You Will Be Found || dear evan hansen (connor x evan)

chapter seventeen

A/N i had the worst day of my life today yay forcing yourself to nap so you don't kys hurray

     "How did therapy go?" Heidi asked as Evan came through the door. There were tears in his eyes and she could see it. She got closer and yet Evan seemed go grow farther with every step.

     "Good I guess," he said, walking straight to his room. 

     Heidi sped after him, "Evan wait! I haven't seen you all day would you please just talk to me?" Evan closed the door in her face and she sank to the ground. 

     Heidi had been laid off.

     Behind the locked door, Evan collapsed into his mattress. He took his shaking fingers and attempted to call Connor, desperate for somebody, anybody but his mother. What if she tells her what if she tells her what if she tells her what if she tells her-

     "You're fine. Everything is fine. You're okay you're gonna be okay you have to be okay," Evan whispered as he rocked, his body reeling from the sinking feeling in his chest. He wanted so badly to feel connected to something yet he was so fucking sick of being the weakest link. Sick of misstepping. Sick of second guessing. Sick of living and breathing and talking and feeling and pretending and just... existing. He weighed everyone around him down and he knew it. His heart was pushing, pulling and collapsing in on itself; trying to tell his brain to get a fucking grip before it loses everything he's ever worked for. He curled up and cried into the covers, an overwhelming feeling of pain upon pain upon pain erupted from his lungs and he screamed. Just as he did, his phone rang. He notices 12 missed calls on his home screen and bites his lip.

   INCOMING CALL FROM: CONNOR MURPHY

      Evan picked it up with trembling hands. "Hello?"

     "Evan? Oh my god are you okay? I was so worried," he said, a breath of relief leaving his lips. "You didn't do anything did you?"

     "N-No. I um. I don't know Connor," he admitted, biting his lip. His breath was shaky and unsupported.

     "What do you mean you don't know?"

     "I-I don't think I'm cut out for this life thing. I can't do this for 80 more years I just can't," he shut his eyes, trying to regain hold of himself. 

     "I'm on my way. Don't do anything okay? 10 minutes. 5 if I speed."

     "Connor don't-" the phone cut out and Evan sighed. "Don't speed." He whispered, curling into himself. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down, but the sinking feeling in his stomach sunk further, until he was almost absolutely certain he actually was. Which, in turn, heightened his anxiety and pushed him over the edge. "I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this..."

     Evan waited. It was an hour later now and he was beginning to think that maybe Connor was just kidding; maybe he didn't care the way Evan thought he did. 

     It was the next morning and Evan arrived at school, eager to see Connor but somehow feeling as though something was very wrong. Did he forget something? Was he late or early? He looked at his watch: 7:02. No. I'm on time. What was missing then? Why did he feel so anxious and scared? Homework. Did he do the homework? Yes. He decided to let it go. It's probably just a mind thing. Yeah, just a silly mind thing.