For The Boy Who Doesn't Know

Why

September 1st, 2017

Dear Why,

I never knew you can like a person less and less as you date them. I thought it would be the other way around.

Ever since this relationship started, you talk about very sexual things. Even on the first day, you did that but I shrugged it off every time.

I was surprised at first that you were upfront and abrupt about actions like that. And with my past, I wasn't comfortable with it yet. So, I asked you to slow down.

You didn't.

You kept on talking about it whenever I was talking to you. Before we started dating, we had normal conversations that made my heart swell and be happy. Now, I cringe every time we talk because you always steer the conversation toward sex or any sexual activity.

I just wanted to have one of those nice boyfriends who would just be romantic and do cute stuff with me for at least a month, so I can adjust to expressing my feelings more openly. Just because we were best friends for four years prior doesn't mean you can skip many stages of a relationship and go straight to having sex with me. Especially, in my position.

All my life, I was sexualized. I was sexualized by men because of the curves and butt I was born with. It was like I didn't have feelings and they went straight to anything sexual. It may have to do with my skin color, too, since women who have my skin color tend to be more sexualized than others. Also, the stereotypical actions that others have judged us with, which makes most want to actually do said actions, makes it worse for the rest of us.

I was sexually abused as a child and a teen. Almost raped possibly multiple times by 2 different men. It has been said that when a child has gone through sexual abuse, they lose part of their soul or maybe all of their soul. I was the lucky few who only lost part of their soul.

I'm not comfortable with anything sexual. I always had the idea of men faking to like me to try to get close to me just to have my body and treat me like an object. I mean it happened twice already, so, of course, my mind will automatically go there.

I thought you would be a nice one. Wouldn't talk much about sexual actions in the beginning, would be okay when I said no the first time and change the topic or the way the night is going. But you keep on pressuring me.

I don't know if you know it, but it's like peer pressure. Last night when we were messaging, you asked me to do something and I told you no because I wasn't comfortable with it. I was hoping you would be okay with that, but you kept pressing on. I had to say no around 3-4 times and said it was uncomfortable twice.

I then almost released the secret that I was sexually abused since I haven't told you so you can stop or at least be less upfront about stuff like that. But then I realized that I shouldn't tell you that I was abused so you can pity me and I shouldn't need to tell you just for you to behave anyway. You should already be mindful and smart about stuff like that. You should already know the meaning of the word "no."

But you somehow don't.

I cried when I realized I was about to do the thing you asked me to do out of fear that you won't like me anymore if I didn't and because you were pressuring me to do so. Why? I thought you were better. At that moment I felt so oppressed, like the times those two guys abused me 

I never wanted to look at you liked that.

I hope this stuff is only temporary and is because of your hormones. If it's still going on like this anymore, I don't think I can be with you. I'm not the right girl for you when all you ask are sexual demands and I can't do any of them.

Please be more mindful.

Upset,

Me