Blame Me

Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Elise

It was quite. The only sound that filled the empty apartment was the soft drone of Grandpa's snoring and the muffled buzzing of cars that whizzed by the apartment. Aside from that the four walls that enclosed my tiny bedroom were silent.

The party ended a few hours ago, every single person leaving with a wide grin on their face and their eyes drooping with exhaustion. It was three in the morning now and my eyes were still wide awake as I stared at the ceiling of my room. The memories of my mother replayed in my head like a one track song and it was bringing the nauseating feeling of guilt buzz in every part of my body. I hadn't stopped thinking about it since Jace brought up the topic earlier that night.

When I closed my eyes the moments seemed so much more vivid that the dull ache in my heart turned into a searing pain and tears began filling my eyes. Her smile, as rare as it was, was the most wonderful thing in the world. It was a smile that come cure cancers and stop poverty, but they held back so much pain that it was only once in a blue moon that you would see the grace of her stretched lips.

I remembered the broken look that filled her grey eyes, the ones that looked so similar to mine. They were like land mines, the ones where countless lives were lost. Just like her. Life after life died as the years passed.

Then she died.

Tears were pooling in my eyes now, dripping over and streaking my face. One after the other until my throat felt so constricted that it was getting harder to breathe. Soon sobs were wrenching my body causing me to shake violently. I wrapped my arms around myself in the hopes to keep myself together, that I wouldn't come undone.

Singing. Her voice filled by mind, one note after the other, hitting each of them with such ease it captivated you. She danced alone in the middle of the living room at night, singing herself to sleep. Sometimes with a drink in her hand and sometimes with worn out photographs.

"Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane, I can see the red tail lights heading for Spain," I sang softly to myself in tune to the memory of her singing it as it flashed through my mind.

I got up from my spot and swayed to the sound of her voice ringing through my brain, remembering her doing the same thing when she sang. The light from the street lights filled the dark bedroom, casting a glow on the spot where I wobbled, clutching my sides of my t-shirt in my hands as I tried to keep the sobs from escaping my lips.

"Do you still feel the pain of the scars that won't heal, your eyes have died but you see more than I," the melody echoed in my brain.

She would have still been here if I had just done more. Guilt, guilt, guilt. I felt nothing but guilt and sadness.

Jace kept saying that I was perfect, but I was no where near perfect. I was a burden, I was useless, I wasn't enough. I was nothing.

As I wrapped myself in my own arms and choked back sobs while warm tears flowed down my face, I remembered similar moments. One with another woman with grey eyes in a different bedroom crying about different reasons.

I stayed like that for a long time. Swaying to a silent serenade with closed eyes and shaking knees. It hurt to think about, it hurt to not think about it, it hurt all the time. Pain, guilt, and sorrow where the only things filling my bones now.

All because of her.

Jace

I didn't hear from Elise all weekend. I called her a few times and texted her as well but never got a reply. I wanted to go down to her apartment to check up on her but didn't in the worry that I would come off as creepy and obsessed. Which, quite frankly, I think I was.