Decimate

Chapter Four--Dan--That's a Big Turd

I hate it when someone disturbs my sleep. It was one of my biggest pet peeves.

When Phil did it though, I didn't mind as much.

I woke to him whispering something and poking me.

"**** off Phil," I muttered, unhappy.

I heard fabric rustling. "Dan, don't curse." "Don't ****ing tell me what to do Phil, you absolute ass."

There was a moment of silence. I glanced up and saw Phil trying to pull a shirt over his head, his midriff exposed. I turned beet red and buried my head into my pillow again.

"Hello Jeremy," I heard Phil giggle.

I sighed. "Phil, don't talk to your cactus while people are sleeping. It's rude."

"Don't listen to him Jeremy," Phil whispered. "He's just jealous."

"Jealous of a ****ing cactus?"

"Who wouldn't be?"

I pulled my head out of my pillow and glared at him. "Shut up Phil."

We sat in silence for a minute before he spoke up again. "Dan."

A sigh. "What Phil?"

"I want to go on an adventure."

I stared at him. "Really Phil? An adventure?"

"Yes!"

I groaned, and flopped back onto my pillow. "Where to?"

"We could bike to the woods!"

I climbed out of his sleeping bag with a sigh. "Fine. Let me get ready."

Before long we were ready, and I was in my garage grabbing my bike. Along the way, I insisted on sitting behind him. He chattered to me cheerfully. I had my headphones in, but they were off, so I could listen to Phil without him knowing.

That sounded less creepy in my head.

"Dan!" Phil exclaimed, pulling over. "Why do you have your headphones in? I was talking." I felt a stab of guilt, but I pushed it away. "I know. You were annoying me."

Phil furrowed his eyebrows together in that cute way he did when he was annoyed.

Suddenly a foul smell reached my nose. "What is that smell?" I asked, wrinkling my nose and deciding it was behind Phil.

"What? I remembered to put on deodorant!" I pushed past him and pulled back a few branches to reveal a giant crap as big as a cat.

"Holy ****! Literally!"

Phil suddenly whimpered.

I looked up and realized why.