Existent

Invisible scars

(Extract From A book I will never finish) 

Warning: Contains Mature content. 

I watched her.

Only then, standing over a naked woman I hardly knew, I realized how hungry I had been. Damn it, I was starved. I hated the world, then and there, for depriving me of what I had needed all along. Need, want. They were contradictory in my mind. Never co-existing. Tonight, that didn't matter.

Tonight, I would be selfish.

She was shy, insecure even. Most men would find that to be, repelling, in my experience anyway. But for me, observing how her pale skin slowly turned pink, was agonizingly tempting. I had the upper hand for once, and boy did it feel good. She didn't know what she wanted, in the long run, it was written all over her pretty face, experimenting with another woman was just one of those things women do, right? Test the waters. I told myself that that's what I was going to do, experiment. Even though I knew the results. Isn't that how Einstein defined insanity? Doing the same things over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I arch over her, climbing, slowly in between her legs. I bend my head right down, blowing lightly. My thumb traces from her belly button downwards, and then stop centimeters away from exactly where she wanted it to be. My tongue grazes her clit and she sighs, then my lips are thugging, her hand wraps in my hair. I stop, again. Our eyes meet and I grin, she doesn't return the expression. Impatient.

I don't want to rush. My mouth travels up her abdomen, to her chest, I cup her beautiful breasts with both hands. Her nipples are hard against my palm. As I kiss her neck I bite her lightly, her groans turn me on so badly.

"Let me touch you", she sighs, hands reaching towards me. "No", I say, sinking down again. I bite my lip in frustration, images I hadn't seen in so long corrupt my mind. Frustrated, I grip her thighs, pulling them apart. "Why can't I touch you?", she lifts her head. My attention flickers for a moment. I run a hand through my hair, "Fuck. I said No", I abruptly stick two fingers inside her. "Do you know what No means, hm?" I move my fingers slowly, Teasingly. She feels warm, and tight, wrapping around my, three fingers like they were made to be there. 

She moans, and tries to close her legs a little. I push them back up. She's so wet. I realize I am too, and it puts me off track, I hadn't felt like this in so long, not since before the-

I'm back there again, in that dark isolated room. Except it's only in my mind now. I feel him. His heavy breathing. The door, locked. Approaching, loud footsteps, careless-

"You need to leave", I pant, It takes me a few seconds to notice I was now standing at the opposite side of the room. "Now, leave, Now!" I scream at her, she scrambles off my bed, grabbing my t-shirt and her pants. My throat is closing, and I clutch at it.

"In and out, In and out, In-", I try to remind  myself how to breathe in my mind, but I can't. The pillow is over my mouth again, trying to scream but making no sound. Drowning in my own froth corrupted lungs. But I asked for it,

 I asked to be suffocated,

 I asked to be torn open, torn apart, and then, silenced.