When I look at you

I want you to stay

"My dear, find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it's much better to be killed by a lover."
― Charles Bukowski
Chloe's grip on her best friend's hand tightened and the tears threatened to spill as the nurse walked out of the room. She watched the woman leave, then stared straight ahead of her before she looked back at Aubrey who was trying to hide the anxious look on her face. She worried her lip between her teeth and looked down at her stomach, which had only just started to show the signs of her being pregnant. She sighed and tried her best not to think negatively. It's all gonna be okay, she thought to herself, wondering when the hell she would start to believe those words.

Frankly, Aubrey didn't know what the hell to say. She tried to think of any topic conversations but her mind was blank. All she could think about was the baby inside her best friend's body. All she could think about was how concerned the nurse looked before she told them to just wait a moment while she went to get Chloe's other doctor. Honestly, if another bad thing happened to her best friend, she really has no clue what the hell to do. Over these past few months, Chloe has been so strong with Beca. She's been so brave. Of course, she's had her meltdowns and a fair amount of tears had been shed from her, but she's honestly been so patient. Strong for both of them. And she's only just got Beca back. Things are finally starting to look up for the two of them. But now? Now, as she looks down at her best friend, holding her hand tightly and rubbing over her knuckles with the pad of her thumb, she doesn't know what sick fate God has in mind for her next - or whatever higher power there is up there. If there is one.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the door opening and the doctor walked in with a smile, the nurse following behind him with a smaller, more worried smile. She could see how she was trying to keep positive, trying to hide the agitation.

"Mrs Mitchell, how are we doing today?" the tall man asked maybe a bit too happily, and Chloe just nodded her head once. What was she supposed to say to that? Today is great. Still pregnant. My wife still doesn't remember me. I still feel like my world is falling apart right in front of my eyes. Yeah, it's fucking awesome.

No.

So she just nodded, and the doctor took that as the only answer he was going to get out of her. He picked up the transducer and placed it on her stomach, moving it around tentatively as he looked at the screen ahead of him. The redhead thought back to her first scan, and the fact that she could hear the baby's heart beat. Soft thumps coming from the sonogram machine that seemed to match her own heartbeat. But now?

Now she can't hear a thing except from her own labored breathing.

The doctor frowned as he pulled the transducer from her stomach, and she knew what was coming next. She knew what he was going to say. She'd seen the movies. She'd seen Jen lose her baby on Marley & Me. She'd seen Rosie lose her baby on What To Expect When You're Expecting. He didn't even have chance to say anything before she broke down into a fit of sobs. Immediately, Aubrey wrapped her up in her arms, and she didn't even have the energy to fight against it or else she would have done. Instead she just cried into her best friend's shirt, choking on each sob as her hands fisted the now creased and bunched up material. And if it was any other circumstance, Aubrey would tell Chloe not to crease her shirt so much, but she didn't have it in her to do that to the redhead. So she just held her.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Mitchell. Sometimes awful things like this happen and there's nothing we can do about it. I really am sorry."

The redhead nodded frantically, wanting the doctor to just stop talking. He told her she was sorry again, and then Aubrey said something about tea, and going home.. but she zoned out. She squeezed her eyes shut as tight as she could as she drowned the man's voice out. She drowned Aubrey's voice out. She drowned the whole world out. Blocked it and tried to think about anything other than the fact that her heart felt like it was breaking in half. She tried to think of happy thoughts, some including Beca and some not including her. She tried to think of anything, but it was no use. She wasn't even sure how long she had been sitting there when she felt Aubrey pull away and cup her face in her soft hands.