Love Isn't The Way.

Chapter 20

Alec........

Sometimes in the past I really used to think that what was so special about Zenda that I could never stop craving her. She changed me in ways I could never have imagined, like she made me laugh. Now I know why, because she is just as crazy as me. Just fucking crazy. She accepted me despite what I did. Something I am still ashamed of till day and I am never ashamed of anything. Not forcing Zenda to love me. Not for killing someone but for that I will always be Ashamed.

....Flashback......

3 Years ago. 

I couldn't believe what Zenda had said. She was pregnant?? for how long? I was sitting at the waiting areas of the hospital. Fuck there should be  vip  area for hospitals as well. I've been sitting here for an hour now. I don't even know what they are doing with her. This is what I hate about hospitals.They just make you wait and wait and then give you the bad news. I decided to go for a walk when the nurse told me that the doctor needs some time with Zenda. 

Coming out I gushed in a big deep breath. It was a little cold but I didn't mind. Now, that I realize what I have done I for the first time in my life feel something I should've never felt. Guilt.  I had never thought of being a parent ever. But, now that I know that I could've been a father I feel a different kind of loss. I knew Zenda was a mistake. A mistake I wasn't willing to let go. She brought out the human side of me and that's why I hurt her. She makes me feel things that foreign to me. I Imagine myself holding a baby in my arms, so gentle and so soft. A small smile creeps up my face. Fuck!! I lost my chance at redemption. What am I saying ? Redemption? There's no redemption for me. I am a fucking mafia head. I can't be soft or emotional. But...... 

What is happening to me ? Suddenly I feel lost and angry, I quickly rush inside the hospital and find the doctor coming up to me. From his face he looks quite old but still young because of his hair. I am sure if he isn't married half of the nurses in this hospital would be dying to work with him.Though His face looks like he's about to shit himself. Maybe it's because of my expression. Good. I silently smirk. 

'Mr. Anderson, I would like to talk to you in private, please follow me.' He turns around for me to follow him. Once inside his room, I sit down in one of the chairs and gesture for him to speak up. 

'Mr. Anderson, Ms. Mellark was two weeks pregnant. I am her private doctor and she had called me yesterday to let me know and she had come for a secret test. But, that's not the thing. Zenda has always been very opposed to having kids. Since she was a teenager' I cut him off before he could speak. 

'Wait, you know her since she was a teenager?' I ask completely confused. It's taking all of my strength to not go in that fucking room and ask Zenda about it. 

'Yes, her father and I were the best of friends, I've been with her since she was 5 years old. ' I nod and he continues.' Anyway, when she got to know about it She was pretty confused on what to do next. I suggested that she should tell you and you guys can discuss the basics.' He stops and looks down and I know he's hiding something he doesn't want me to know. 

'Continue' I say in a firm voice to which he nods and speaks. 

'She wanted an abortion right away, saying that she wouldn't be able to handle a child but I know she was lying so I denied' Good I thought' I told her to take her time and think about it. Sometimes a lot girls when they found out that they are pregnant want an abortion but it's usually because they are nervous whereas Zenda, she just said no. After a lot of thought and discussion she told me that she will have the child but will give it up for adoption and when I asked her why. she told me that she doesn't want an innocent to die and that her past would never let her raise a child' he said. 

'And ?' I asked and raised my eyebrows. I wanted to know more, I couldn't digest what he was saying but curiosity got the best of me. He composed himself and made eye contact with me.

'That's when I got to know the problem was. Zenda has demons of her own and I know that you know that. She can't possibly raise a child when her past is still clinging to her like that and now that she has....'  I cut him off. Again

'Wait, you know about her past' I don't know why I was so shocked, he seems to know her better than me. 

'umm... yeah' he said ' she didn't tell you about it?' it was his time now to be shocked. 

'No, but I want to know' I was dead angry now but I didn't want to scare him away so I tried my best to compose myself. How could he know so much about her when I couldn't. ' I mean I know something really bad happened to her and that's why she is Insomniac but she never told me what exactly had happened.' 

'Look, I don't have the right to tell you that, You should ask her and can we please talk about the issue at hand' he was definitely angry now. I just nodded. I'll deal with him later, right now I need to focus on Zenda and our future.

' And now that she has lost her I mean your child, she is now devastated. I know what happened between the two of you and I know the statues of your relationship as well. This might make you angry or possessive of her but I see her as my daughter. And you have hurt her beyond repair. She never let the darkness inside of her control her and then You barged in her life with your monsters and left her to deal with it. I just don't understand how can you hurt someone you love and How can someone just bear all that pain even if it's because of love' he was exasperated and was holding his temple as though fighting a battle with his brain.  He took a deep breath and continued.  

'Love?' I mocked. He has it so wrong. 

'Yes, love. You love her, In fact you are in love with her, you think that because you are a monster you are not capable of love but tell me stalking someone for years forcing them to be with you, being extremely possessive of them if that's not love then I don't know what love is. Maybe your way of expressing love is different but still love is there. You don't love Zenda because you are in love with Zenda. I can tell because when you love someone you want the best for them but when you're in love with them you want them for yourself. ' I was shocked because everything he said was true. Fuck, I need time to process it all. I need to get out of here. Away from this fucking doctor who seems to know everything. Asshole. 

' Look, whatever it is I can't hear any word from your mouth anymore. I am going out, inform me when Zenda wakes up' I say curtly and leave before he can mess up my mind which will get him killed. 

I keep driving around in the city not knowing what the fuck to do. Fuck. fUCK. Fuck. Why did I had to keep Zenda in my life. Why is she so enthralling that I can't keep myself away from her. It's fucking irritating the shit out of me. Because deep down. deep deep down I know that whatever that fucker said is all true. How am I going to face Zenda now ? Surely she won't be willing to be with me. Wait, why do I care? She has to live with me no matter what. But, shouldn't I consider her feelings as well. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? I need Zenda. 

I need her. I want her. I love her. So fucking much. And anything that comes between us is DEAD. My phone rings and brings me out of my reverie. 

'Mr. Anderson, Ms Mellark is awake' A receptionist  I presume says in a robotic voice. Oh what do now ? what am I gonna say to her ? will she ever accept me now ?