Love Isn't The Way.

Chapter 21

Zenda.....

.....Flashback......

It was so weird being in the hospital . I hated hospitals. Funny I just lost a child, that I'd known about for a day and I don't even know what to feel. Maybe I am in shock. I didn't even know what to feel about the child. Or should I say embryo. I couldn't swallow the word Pregnant. My doctor, Aaron thinks I am devastated because of the child but, I don't think that's it. Then I remember Alec hitting me like he was about to kill me for raising my voice with him. But why did I feel so bad when he has done so much worse before. It's like how in novels they describe a heartbreak, the sad feeling in your gut and this depression which feels never ending. Why would I feel so hurt if that monster hit me, I mean that's what you expect of monsters right? 

Why? why? why? Why was it hurting like this? I want this to be over with. I really wish for all of this to be a dream. That's when it hits me. The pain, the hurt, the wrenched feeling in my gut. I feel hurt because he hurt me. I feel so bad because I-I ......... was in love with him. I loved Alec Anderson. The person...no, monster who hurt me, who made me lose my sanity. Who made me lose everything, or more like snatched it. 

Suddenly the door opens and walks in the asshole. His face is completely drained. And he looks like he is about to just fall down and cry. Not that he will. Monsters don't cry. 

'How are you feeling? Are you in pain?' He asks while taking a chair beside the bed. I am at loss for words so I just stare at him. He looks down like he is guilty, but I know better. I compose myself and shut down the turmoil inside my brain. All I can think about is how he took everything from me. How he broke me. 

'Look if you're here to ask how I am doing or If I am okay, then please leave, the nurses and doctors can do a better job than you' I spit the words. 

'I have no idea what to say Zenda, I am ..... I am ......sorry' he stuttered the words. 

'Look at me' He looks up and I see something shiny in his eyes, as if he is about to cry' I want you to take your sorry and shove it up your ass' I say harshly. He blinks and the steel emotion is back in his eyes. 

'Zenda, you have no right to talk to me like that' he spits back. 

'Fuck you' He stood up and glared at me. 

'Zenda, don't test my limits, it wasn't my fault, you didn't even care about consulting me in this decision and wanted an abortion right away? Don't teach me morals , you're no fucking saint' 

'Yeah? well guess what, I did that because I didn't want it to grow in an environment like we have, you really wanted that child to be brought up with violence and abuse, and what makes you think we were the right type of parents for it' I said.

'Oh please, these are just excuses, you didn't even ask me you know' he lowered his tone and spoke' when you were unconscious, I imagined us, you, me and a child in our care. We had a big mansion where the we would spoil the child with love and pamper, in our backyard we would play with him or her and..' his voice broke at the end and I had a sudden urge to go to him, to comfort him. But, I decided against it. 

'Before you walked in I too imagined something like that but this could only be an imagination, a dream, come on Alec, who are we kidding? You are a monster and I am broken, a child wouldn't flourish in our care, it would have all the things it wants except our love. You know why? because you My love are not capable of something called love, you're too possessive of me that you took everything from me, my freedom,my dreams,my choices,my desires, my life, my time, my body and ......and even my h-heart' He looked at me with shock clearly written on his face.He came towards me and tried to hold my face but didn't when I moved back a little. 

'Zenda, please. You can't possibly love me, I am a monster, you said yourself' 

'I know, but I do. I can love you but I.....I can't keep going like this, it's too much, we are toxic for each other, the past few years are the proof of that. We aren't meant for each other so it's best if we just drop this and go our separate ways' Today I felt something I never thought I would feel. I could feel my heart break as I said those words. As if my mind and heart were constantly battling with each other. 

'No,baby please, let's start over. I'll change my attitude. We can forget the past and start again. You and I were meant to be together. You know why we didn't work out because we hardly know much about each other. We've been together for so many years yet that fucking doctor knows more about you than I do. And all you know about me is just next to nothing. Please, don't do this.' He started to beg me. I could see it in his eyes that he wasn't going to let me go that easily. But, that wasn't surprising, this accident had changed him. He would never plead for anything, for all I know he could literally pick me up and take us back to the apartment. This was a side of him I had never known.I wanted to say yes, I really did, but all those years of torture came before me and the battle was finally won by my brain. I can't stay with him.

'No, Alec you may be capable of forgetting all those years but I can't and as for our past, well I don't trust you enough to tell you any of that and your past, I could care less about it. I don't want to know the number of murders you've committed or the lives you've taken. I just want to live my life in peace. Please Alec, I beg of you. I can't do this anymore. I am exhausted of ...of everything. ' I could feel a large thump in my throat and my vision was blurry. I didn't want to cry in front of him but I just couldn't help the waterworks.

' Please , Alec I beg of you, leave me' My voice broke at the end. Maybe that's what drove him to the edge. I could feel his steel grey stares on my face, Yet when I opened my eyes I saw his face completely drained of emotion, like this time I had broken something inside of him, I could feel his want to convince me to stay with him but I just couldn't. I turn my face away not wanting to see the painful expression in his eyes. He slowly walked away. Not just from the room but also from my life. The moment he left I cried my heart out. I don't think the physical pain hurt me so much as this did. How could I love someone who has constantly hurt me, the person who tried to break me every step of the way, how could I love him?. I was sick, so sick. Mom was right. We don't always choose the person we love. In fact we never do. 

Fuck, what do I do now?. 

.....FLASHBACK END ........