I felt horrible , I didn't feel anything like I used to. Everyday I would come home from school, miserable and tired. I didn't know what I was doing wrong. Today was the last day I planned to be on this Earth. I didn't care about who would miss me, I didn't care about anything cause I couldn't take this pain anymore.
I came home from school and saw my uncles and dad in the kitchen sitting at the table. They said hi but I ignored them. If I opened my mouth, all the tears and feelings would come spilling out as well. I didn't want to be a bother. I rushed upstairs into my bathroom and locked the door. I searched around in my cabinet until I found my old antidepressants. I smiled weakly and took the bottle.
I swallowed two at first, nervous of what power these pills held. Then I took ten more and gulped them down with the faucet water. I knew the pills would take a bit to kick in so I went downstairs to spend my last day with my uncles and dad.
When I got downstairs I sat at the kitchen table where they all were. My eyes were somewhat dilated so I couldn't see that well but I'm pretty sure the others couldn't notice.
"Hey Y/n, why'd you run up to your room so fast?" My reactions were slow, the meds were kicking in.
"Huh? Oh I um," I put my head down a bit, it felt as if my neck was too weak to hold it. "I took a shower." I started to sweat and a bead of sweat went in my eye. I put my head up again and tried to smile.
Everyone looked at me strangely trying to read my eyes. My eyes screamed 'help me' but I kept trying to act normal.
"You sure you're feelin alright, sweets?" Frank asked. He sat directly across from me, staring straight into my eyes.
"Uh-huh I'm.. j-just fine." I put my head down again, I was getting weaker.
"Dad.. I'm sorry." A tear fell from my eye.
"Sorry for what?! What'd you do?!" He was worried and I think he caught on.
"Y/n, sweety, what did you take? I need you to tell me!" His eyes were glossy and my uncles were pacing around cause now they knew what I had done as well.
"The.. the uh, anti-" I dropped my head and felt my senses leaving me.
"Call 9-1-1!!! Now!!" My dad was full on crying now.
The last thing I remember was everyone with tears in their eyes and Ray looking at me telling me it was going to be ok. Then I blacked out and saw nothing. When I blacked out, I heard voices. They weren't the taunting voices I was used to though. They kept saying
'You have so much to live for Y/n!'
'Y/n! You gotta wake up!'
'Come on, Y/n! You can do this!' Those three voices kept saying the same thing over and over. The funny part is, they didn't even sound familiar.
The voices kept repeating themselves so I tried to listen to them. I tried to open my eyes and move around but I was too weak. I'm pretty sure I'm dead now. I had no idea what to do but then, I remembered the look my dad had when he realized I took those pills. I saw the sadness in his eyes, the tears threatening to fall. I heard Mikey frantically screaming to get me help. I heard Ray telling me it was going to be ok, and I saw the unsure look in Frank's eyes when I said I was fine at the dinner table.
I needed to be alive, I needed to come back so that my dad wouldn't be broken. I thought I never really mattered to them but the truth is right in front of me now. I do matter and my uncles and dad really do need me. Somehow I found the strength to open my eyes. Just a little at first cause the light was so bright. Finally my eyes adjusted and I saw that I was in a hospital bed with my uncle Frank, Ray, Mikey, Joe, Andy, Pete, and Patrick along with my dad, were all in the room.
My ears adjusted last and I could finally hear again, feel again, and touch again.
"She's awake!!" Pete shouted. I jumped a little, not expecting the sudden outburst.
"Y/n!" Everyone shouted, my dad rushed over to me and hugged me.
"Don't ever leave me.. please." He said, pleading with worry in his eyes.
"Dad, I won't ever leave you again." He kissed my forehead and hugged me once more.
"Guys?" My voice was sort of gone and scratchy but I continued to speak. "Thank you for being here. I know you guys are supposed to be on tour at the moment," I said, gesturing towards Joe and the others.
"But really, thank you for being here cause at that time.. when I took those pills, I felt like I had nothing but you guys make me feel like I have everything."
"We try." Frank said, smiling sweetly. I opened my arms, wanting him to come here and give me a hug.. which he did of course.
Taking those pills made me see a bigger part of life. It made me see how much I had right in front of me when I thought that no one was on my side. If it wasn't for my family, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here at all. Especially my dad, he went through a lot of the stuff I'm going through so he understands how to deal with me I guess.
"Dad?"
"What's up?"
"Can I go home yet?" I asked, hopelessly waiting for a good answer.
"Wellllllll.... you can't exactly go home yet cause we have to talk to the doctor but.. we'll get you home soon, kiddo." my dad said. I huffed and looked at the ceiling tiles. I counted them as the adults spoke.
"Hey, you ok?" Mikey whispered to me.
"Absolutely fine." He gave me a look that said stop-lying-to-me and I eventually gave in.
"I just really wanna go home.. I don't like being in here cause it reminds me of when... mom was here." My mom was in the hospital before she died, she was in a car accident and my dad and I didn't know what to do without her. It took a long time to heal from the situation but it still hurts sometimes.
"Y/n, she's in a better place now. She would want you to be happy and you of all people know that, alright?" He smiled and ruffled my hair. I laughed a little and hugged his arm cause he was too tall to hug his whole body.
Within the next two hours, we all finally went home. My stomach hurt a little cause they had to pump the pills out. My uncles from FOB had to catch their flight to continue touring so the left when they knew I was safe at home. We walked into the house and everything was silent, there was obviously a big elephant in the room to say the least.
"I'm sorry." I said looking down, ashamed of the trouble I caused them.
"There's no need to be sorry, Y/n, we should be apologizing." My dad said, rushing over to hug me.
"So uh, now what? Am I on house arrest or something?" I asked them. They looked at each other with knowing looks; they knew something I didn't.
"Um Y/n, the doctor told us to get you back on the.. antidepressants." My dad said slowly. What?!?
"You're gonna put me back on the meds I tried to kill myself with?!?!" I was furious!
"Y/n! It's for the best! We don't want you to be sad!" Frank yelled.
"If you don't want me to be sad than TALK TO ME! DON'T THROW ME AWAY TO PILLS!" I couldn't believe they wanted to make me take those dumb pills!
"Why are you so upset, Y/n?!" Mikey asked.
"Cause it feels like you guys are just throwing me away! Giving me those pills and hoping for the best! If you guys really cared you would do something about it instead of just shoving happy pills down my throat! Do you know what those pills do to me?!?" The guys shook their heads as if they wanted me to continue.
"They make me feel like nothing is real! I can't feel anything with those pills! I feel fucking high when I take them, they don't fix anything, they just delay the pain!!!!" I was out of breath and sick of this crap. This is the exact thing I wanted to get away from.
I ran up to my room and slammed the door. I couldn't believe those guys, my so-called family that cared "so much." I heard a knock on my door and heard my dad ask if he could come in.
"Go away!" I yelled, turning my back to the door. He stepped in anyways and sat down on the side of me.
"You don't have to take the pills if you don't want to, Y/n." I looked at him in disbelief.
"I don't?"
"No, I just want you to promise me something."
"Yes?"
"Please please please, if you ever feel like you don't want to be here anymore, tell me. Talks to me. I'll be there, we'll be there! I just really can't have you leaving me cause you're my rock, Y/n. I could never lose you." I looked at my dad to see he was crying. I hugged him and he leaned into my side, his head in the crook of my neck.
"I promise, dad. I promise."
A/N: there was a lot of triggering stuff throughout this chapter so I'm sorry about that. If you guys are ever feeling like you don't want to live anymore or you feel your life isn't worth living, please talk to someone. I've been in similar situations and still struggle with suicidal thoughts and I know it can get tough but please, I need you guys to stay strong.
You guys can message me anytime if you need someone to talk to, I don't bite. With that being said, I hope you guys have an amazing day/night and I hope you guys enjoyed.
Most importantly though,
Stay safe, killjoys, it's a bumpy ride
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