Welcome To My World

XXXVIII-Blame

"We're getting a divorce."
I still remember the day my mom told me this. I felt my world falling apart, I sat on her lap, and I cried my heart out. This was awful. I would stop seeing one of them, I would be one of those kids with divorced parents, and besides, I'd have to illustrate two calendars in arts class, one for each of them.
But back then everything was simple. I wasn't worried about almost anything.
I wished for school to be over to get home, to my family.
I felt safe at home.
Damn, I could cry back then!
And I look back at those times and ask an obvious question. What changed?
Well, now I'm worried about much more things.
Now I wish for school to keep on just because I don't want to be home.
I don't feel safe there.
And crying... I haven't done that for a while now.
But why am I remembering all of this right now? Why didn't I just forget?
Well, besides the fact that I never forget about something, it's because of everything that happens.
From when I get to the bus home to when I get to school.
I could spend hours and hours writing about everything. But I have a feeling that it would be a little bit boring for you.
So I'll just tell you what happened more recently.
These were the first days of autumn. Brown and orange leaves were falling from the trees, and they gradually covered the floor.
But that didn't mean that the temperature would change.
No, it was hot. The heat seemed hotter than it had been this summer. And there we were, me and my brothers, on our way home inside a bus that looked like it didn't have air inside.
Maybe it was the heat, or maybe it was because he's just an idiot piece of crap, but my brother Mike started crying over some shitty piece of paper that he wanted to keep. It doesn't seem like a big drama, there's just a six-year-old crying.
That wasn't the thing that bothered me. It was what came next. My mom.
One curious fact about her. If anything goes wrong, just anything, no matter how meaningless it is, she blames it on my dad.
I grew up hearing stuff like "If your dad had raised you well...", "I know where you get that from" and the classic "if a certain guy had done his job well, none of this would've happened."
I am used to it now. When you hear this stuff on a daily basis you get used to it. And when you do, there are two ways this can go.
You can:
a) start believing the bullshit people tell you, and you turn on the person you hear from.
Or
b) don't listen to it, and stop believing anything that the person says.
There's also what I did.
c) you ignore the person
I don't blame my dad for leaving. In fact, if he hadn't left, he would be the one arguing 24/7.
But when he left, my mom stopped having someone to unload on, and turned to the thing that was closer. Her precious children.
But I'm getting off track here. My brother, Mike, started crying over something completely dumb, and guess who my mom came talking to.
If you guessed me, congrats, you're right.
The conversation started as it always did. Something like "what do you want to eat?", or "have you seen the book I'm looking for?".
This time it wasn't any different.
"So, have you seen the stapler?"
"I don't know where it is." I said, not taking my eyes off my homework.
"But I put it right here."
"Well, I didn't lay a finger on it, so-"
I was interrupted by Mike screaming. He did it when he cried.
"Your brother is so grumpy...did he get enough sleep during the weekend?"
Here it was. The trick question. No matter what I answered, everything would go back to my dad.
"I don't know. I don't really care at what time he goes to sleep." This was the wrong answer. Definitely the wrong answer.
"Why are you like that?"
"Like what?" I asked, not taking my eyes from the notebook in front of me.
"You're so...distant. This really shows that someone didn't put enough effort in raising you."
"Ok, then, blame it on dad. How does he have something to do with this?"
"Well, I think that when he left home, he left a whole that you couldn't fill."
"And what, that made me stop caring about my brothers?"
"No. That made you start hurting them. And that's because your dad didn't raise you well."
"The only reason I stopped caring about Mike was because he's a dumb idiot."
"He's only like that because you're mean to him."
"Well, maybe he is. I came to the conclusion that whatever I do, he'll keep being an annoying idiot and I'll end up being bad to him."
"Well, you sound disappointed."
"Well, you would be too if you were in my place."
"I don't think that it's your brother you're disappointed on. I think that you stopped trusting people because your dad left."
"I did stop trusting people. But it's not his fault."
"Then why did you?"
"I don't know..." I did know. But could I really tell her what happened? That I fell for a guy? That the same guy pointed a knife at my neck days after I kissed him? That it made me feel that I couldn't have a relationship without being stabbed in the back? Of course not!
"Well, I think that you know I'm right." I finally raised my eyes from my homework, to tell her to leave, but it looked that she knew what I'd say. "Well, I'll let you do your work. I just hope that you become a better father."
And with that, she left. She didn't hear me when I whispered "I would be a better mother than you." And that was when a thought went through my mind. "What if I don't want to be a father?" I stood there, quiet for a while. That thought frightened me. I sat straight, and thought about everything else as that went to the back of my mind.
And it was gone, as I proceeded to do the work that stood before me.
I almost didn't post this chapter, but because I hadn't written about Daniel's family for so long, I decided to do it.
And if everything goes as planned, as you're reading this there are other chapters to read.
After those, I might stop writing for a while.
I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please leave a vote if you did.