Sisters By Chance Friends by Choice

Chapter 5-Defying Gravity

I hear the auditorium fill with Mirfandas. I see the stage lights. I feel the floor. This meet and greet will be like none I've done before. Usually the meet and greet is the easiest part, but not tonight. Standing in front of 200 people who all had front row seats to my love life drama on Instagram, and now allowing those people to ask me anything with no filter is one of the hardest things of ever done. I am ready. I can do anything. I would like to hope that my fans will just understand that something is going on and respect what happens behind cameras but I know that won't happen. I am mentally preparing myself for what I'm gonna hear tonight. Kory tells me that I need to be onstage. I can't make myself make that first step. I have never not wanted to run out on to the stage to see everyone, but there a first time for everything. There's a last time for everything too. I may have already seen my last normal show, and I didn't even know it.
I stand in the wings, trying to make myself just walk out onto the stage. I think to myself, "Come on Colleen, just walk onto the freaking stage. You're acting like an idiot." I feel like I did the time I was high. I feel like I'm watching myself act like an idiot and wondering why my brain won't just let me walk onto the stage.  I finally bring myself to pick my foot up and walk onto the stage.  Again, I hear the fans, I see the lights, and I feel the floor.  I say, "Hey guys!  Thanks for coming!" with a fake smile plastered on my face.  The reaction I get is amazing.  I can't believe I forgot the feeling of feeling like you're loved by everyone around you, like you're on top of the world.  Everyone screams.  I am glad I have to surprise my mom on stage today--less time for questions.  I bring my mom out and everyone cheers again.  Then I say, "Okay, guys.  It's my moms birthday today.  We'll sing happy birthday to her in a minute, but first I have a surprise.  I need everyone to be absolutely silent.  Do you think you could do that for me?  Okay, mom, close you're eyes."  I am hoping and praying that the crowd will keep quiet.  "Okay, now everyone, count to 3"
     "One!  Two!  Three!"
     Three is Rachel and Dad's cue to come out onto the stage.  They walk out and the crowd stays quiet.  "Don't open your eyes yet.  Everyone, sing happy birthday."  The plan was for me to tell everyone to sing and then mom would hear dad and Rach singing.  As soon as we sing "happy" mom opens her eyes and grabs Rachel and Dad.  Seeing her happy puts me on top of the world.  I made someone happy today.  Mom is on the verge of tears, but she gets herself together.  I try to milk moment as long as I can, but I know I have to answer questions at some point.  Now that Rachel's here, I feel a lot better.
     Questions are going great.  People haven't said anything about Instagram.  I've been pretty lucky.  I call on another person. She to be completely honest, I'm scared of what she's gonna say.  She shouts up to the stage "Why did you unfollow Rebecca on Instagram?"
     I can feel my face go beat red.  My instinct is telling me to be angry, but what can I do.  As much as I think it's completely inappropriate for a 13 year old child to ask an almost 30 year old adult woman that, I made the choice to put my life online, and I made the choice to unfollow Rebecca. I actually don't know how to respond.  Rachel looks over at me. I can tell she's pissed.  I don't want her to say anything because I know a protective instinct will set in.  I look her straight in the eyes and try to let her know it's fine.  I start to speak into the microphone, "Remember, you only see a few minutes of each of my 24 hour days.  I am human, too.  Sometimes, things happen.  Do you remember that time you unfollowed a girl in 8th grade because she wore the same shirt as you to school?  It's like that, except at level where it happens to 30 year old adults.  If you take anything from this meet and greet, remember, you never know what someone is going through whether it's a person with millions of followers online, or someone you see in a store.  Everyone has a story, so don't spread things that you don't know are true. I'm telling you right now that the Instagram unfollowing happened for a reason, but I am not going to tell you exactly what happened because I have a right to keep what I want private."
     The audience is dead silent.  Rachel looks shook.  Suddenly, everyone starts shouting, "We love Colleen!  We love Colleen! We love Colleen!" and I remember exactly why I do this.  I end up in tears.
     After I pull myself together, I answer a few more questions then it's time for meet and greet.  I meet about 199 kids, and the last one I meet is one of the cutest little girls I have ever seen.  She is a tiny little thing.  She has blond hair down to her waist, and sparkly blue eyes.  Her hair falls over her shoulders in beautiful, perfect curls. She is wearing a hot pink sweatshirt type shirt with a silver rhinestone heart on it.  She has dark jeans and bear paws on. She runs up to me and hugs me so tight.  Someone once told me that when I'm meeting kids I should never be the first to let go because I'll never know how long they need the hug.  I hold this girl so tight until she starts to let go.  She has the biggest, most genuine smile on her face I have seen all evening.  She tells me that her name is Alayna.  I take pictures with her and am genuinely the most happy I've been all evening.  Alayna hands me two signs that she made.  One says "Don't let anyone's ignorance, hate, drama, or negativity, get in the way of your dreams."  The other one says, "Let your smile change the world, but don't let the world change your smile."  These signs were exactly what I needed.  I look Alayna in the eyes and say "Thank you" as truly as possible.  I realize that I am trying to make a 9 year old understand the impact she just had on a grown woman.  I look at her and say, "Alayna, you mean more to more people than you will ever know.  The amount that some people love you is beyond your comprehension level.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you, Alayna."
     She looks at me.  She has serious eyes and a beautiful smile on her face.  It seems like she truly understands.  She says, "Colleen, you are amazing.  I love to read.  I read over 100 books a year.  My friends used to get mad because I spent too much time reading and talking about books, but it is what I love.  Then I started watching you and you showed me to be myself and don't let the people around me change who I am.  So I found some new friends and now we have a book club together. Thank you so much.  I am so happy I got to meet you and I will never forget it!"
     I am on the verge of tears.  I know that I can't cry in front of Alayna so I squeeze her so tight and this time she lets me hold on.  How pathetic is your life when a 9 year old is comforting you?  Whatever.  I thank her again and run off the stage. 
     Backstage, I bawl.  Like a baby.  That lesson about not letting the people around you take away your happiness,  that is not something I taught Alayna, rather something she taught ME.  I finally understand that I need to do what make me happy.  I sit and just think. I think how pathetic it is that I just learned a life changing lesson from a nine year old.  My job brings me together with so many kids.  I try not to imagine what their home life is like, or their financial circumstances, or their parental situation, or their intelligence, but just how much I absolutely love them.  I try to figure out what I'm gonna do with my new outlook on life.  I'm busy tiptoeing around the obvious when Rachel approaches me.  "Hey Colleen," she says.  "Why is your face so red.  I swear to god, were you crying again?"
     "Yeah, I met this amazing little girl.  She was the last one in line so we talked for a while.  Rach, she's like nine years old and she taught me one of the most important life lessons I've ever learned!"
     I told Rachel what Alayna said and showed her the signs she made.
     "So what are you gonna do Colleen...?"
     "Rach, I can't say.  I cannot make those words come out of my mouth.  I am psychically, mentally, and emotionally incapable."
     "I know. It's okay, don't say it.  If you do, you'll upset yourself even more and you have to be on stage in 15 minutes."
     Rachel rubs the tears from my face with her thumbs and pulls me into a hug.  She holds me tight and rubs my back.  She holds my head against her shoulder and just let's me cry for a minute.  I hear someone walk over.  It's probably Kory.  I don't even try to look up.  I can feel Rach moving under me and probably mouthing something to him. I just let Rachel comfort me.
After a few minutes, Rachel pushed me forward and looks me straight in the eyes. She says, "Colleen, you're gonna go far. You are capable of more than you know. I love you to the moon and back."
"Thank you so much Rachel. You mean more to me than you will ever understand. Thanks for always being there."
I walk to the green room and Rachel follows. She helps me find my show outfit. I change, then she helps me touch up my hair while I remove all my makeup and apply a whole new face. My the end, I look human again. I spray perfume. I am running on adrenaline...and caffeine.  I am not exactly the most excited to do this show right now, but it's my job and I need to put on a happy face because these people are paying to see me.  I walk out onto stage and do my part of the show.  To be honest it is going pretty great. I just hope everyone thinks I'm happy.  It gets to the part in the show where I sing Defying Gravity and change into Miranda. I start singing and this time I'm really listening to the lyrics.

Everyone needs to seriously watch this video. It's amazing how well the lyrics fit with Colleen's life the past year.

I realize that I am defying gravity. Now I just need to not let anyone ground me. I need to screw the system, and just fly. Solo and free.  I almost break character singing as Miranda because the lyrics got so into my head.  For the first time in forever I'm thinking about the lyrics. I really am defying gravity.
     I finish the show without flaw. Well, sure things could've gone better, but there are always mistakes.  I honestly can't wait to get off stage and just think.
     After I bow for the final time as Miranda I practically run to the wings. I jump into Rachel's arms.  We pack everything up and within an hour and a half are out of the theatre.  We drive back to the hotel and I decide that I need to share a room with Rachel and only Rachel tonight. Mom shares with Dad and Kory and Lee share. Rachel and I will probably end up sleeping together anyway but it's nice to have the room to ourselves. I am exhausted, but I have a lot to talk over with Rachel.