Sisters By Chance Friends by Choice

Chapter 9-I Can't Make Him Happy

A/N this is very important to the development of the story! I screwed up the date. In the last chapter, I said it was September 29th, scratch that. Let's say that she met with Netflix (as well as when this is taking place) on September 24th. Obviously it's not the date it actually happened. The date the videos would be uploaded should have been the 30th. Anyway, yeah, keep those in mind while reading this.
I'm sitting in the passenger seat of a car with Rachel. We finished my meeting and we decided that Josh and I will release videos on September 30th. I will be back online on October 6th. Today is September 24th. Rachel is taking me back to my house to tell Josh. Then we're going back to Rachel's.  I really didn't even cry that much in my meeting.  My people are lovely.  They understood and were very nice about it.   I'm very nervous to talk to Josh!  Rachel and I grab In and Out on the way to my house.  It's 5 o'clock now so we need food.  "Rach?  I'm scared."
     "I know.  That's why I'm going with you."

     "Joshua?" I echo through the rooms of my house, walking through the front door. I've never felt so awkward in my very own home. It feels empty and quiet.
     He comes down the stairs and looks me in the eyes. "Hey." he says, shortly and sharp, "Rachel."
     "Jesus Christ!  Can we just please sit down so I can talk to you?  Like, what does being angry short accomplish anyway?" I say, getting frustrated with his attitude.
     We sit down at bars tools around the island.  Rachel sits on the end with Josh on the side perpendicular to her.  I sit next to Rachel.
     "Okay, I need you to listen to me, Josh.  This is really important and if you screw it up, you could get in a lot of trouble."
     "Do you think I'm five?!  I'm listening, already!" Josh says.
     Ignoring his last statement, I say, "the 30th, we're uploading videos on the 30th. My agent and Netflix are okay with saying it before it goes through."
"What do we say?" Josh asks, suddenly quiet and nervous.
"Anything. I mean, not anything. It's like any video. We're being respectful and vague, right? I don't wanna hurt you. I don't wanna break you, because I still love you..."
For the first time, I think it finally clicks in Josh's mind that I do still love him, but he gets why I'm doing this. But he still doesn't want it.
I take a breath and laugh for a second; "I mean, maybe you want to roast the f**k out of me. You don't owe me anything..."
Josh abruptly interrupts me, "I'm not going to roast you, Colleen. I love you with every ounce of my heart. I don't want to screw you over. You're in a position to potentially make a lot of money, an quite frankly, if I mess up, I'd be terrified of what Jimmy would do to me," laughing a little.
      At this point, I feel comfortable.  This morning, I felt like I was kind of un safe.  I didn't know what Joshua was going to do and I was scared he was being too pushy.  Now, I feel better.  I put my hand up on the counter and extend it to Josh.  I don't know what he's going to do and I don't know hat Rachel's going to do.  She looks me in the eyes like I'm crazy.  Josh reaches for my hand.  He squeezes it and rubs the back of it with his thumb.  "Colleen.  Keep going."
     "Okay.  I just think, I don't know, I think we should watch each other's videos.  Maybe that's horrible.  Maybe it's a bad idea.  I don't know," I say, putting my free hand on my right temple, "I don't know anything anymore."

"Goodbye. I'm staying at Rachel's tonight, I'm filming there tomorrow morning, then I'm coming home to meet Kory here, going to Chris and Jess' with him, then staying at my parents. Who's coming over to help you pack tomorrow?"
"Matt and my brother."
"Okay, you can be here whenever tomorrow, but in telling you, I'll be back at some point, so don't act like you didn't know when I show up, okay?"
"Again, Colleen, I'm not five! Bye."
I walk out the door, forcefully closing it behind me. That wasn't how I wanted it to end. I wanted to hug Josh and make him understand every thought I have in my head, but that's impossible. He hates me. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get that I had to get married to realize I couldn't be.

Back at Rachel's, I arrange to sign the papers the day after tomorrow. We plan to settle this without trial, but we still have to go to the court house to sign off. Us signing off doesn't make it completely final, as it still has to go through, but it gets it to the point where I've done everything I can to be divorced. Rachel agreed to be my witness. It's all happening so fast. I don't regret any of it, don't get me wrong, but everything feels like it's in fast motion. Almost like yesterday I was getting married and tomorrow I'm getting divorced. Like, tomorrow I'm filming a video to tell millions of people I'm breaking up with my husband and then I'm going to my brothers house to tell his kids that their beloved uncle Josh isn't going to be around. Those kids love him so much, I don't know what they're going to do.
I'm scared they're going to hate me. I'm scared they're going to worry for their own parents' marriage. I'm scared they won't understand; I know they won't understand. They're so shielded from the rest of the world. It's like, once Jess told me that one of Bailey's daily writing prompt things asked if she had ever been called a name before. She wrote that her dad calls her sweetheart sometimes. Because why would a child be called a name?! Her family loves her and her friends love her. So why would a child know what divorce is? Her parents love each other, her grandparents love each other, her friends parents are all together, and she thought her aunt and uncle loved each other.
It's these things that make me feel like I've totally failed and disappointed everyone. Like I've let everyone down. I feel like I got married just to get divorced. I know that's not true. I got married because I loved Joshua and I still do. I can't make him happy though, and I want him to be happy.
As I'm sitting on the edge of Rachel's bed crying, she comes in, sits next to me, and holds me in her arms.  This unconditional love is what I need in my life.  I don't need a man to love me.  I don't need someone to follow me around like a lost puppy. I need a sister. That's all.  "Rachel?  Why did I have to fall in love just to realize I need to fall out of it?"