Sisters By Chance Friends by Choice

Chapter 11-I Don't Know My Name

"Come on, Colleen!" Rachel's voice echoed through my childhood home.
It's 8:30 in the morning and we're on our way back to my house to get clothes to wear, then to Rachel's to get ready, then back to mine to pick Josh up. I was not totally on board with driving him, but Rachel says I need to be an adult.
     On my wedding day, I took pictures every so often of what I saw from my eyes. Most were looking at the ground or straight in front of me. I did it so I would remember what my last day not married would look like. I'm doing that again today. I know it's gonna be torture for myself. I plan to get the pictures off my phone immediately and hide them on my computer. Maybe someday I'll be okay enough to look back and remember my last day being married.
When we pull into my driveway, there are several cars there, all of which I recognize. I'm going to guess that Josh had his "movers" spend the night and paid them in alcohol. I just hope he isn't hungover or still wasted. I take a picture of my feet walking up the sidewalk. Rachel carefully opens the door and I follow behind her. My house is a literal mess; there are suitcases and boxes everywhere, clothes strewn about, and, on top of that, a dog bed that has been chewed up with stuffing all over the floor. "Joshua?" Rachel's voice echoes, "just saying, we're here to get clothes and coming upstairs now."
We walk up the stairs and Josh is in the Miranda room. Rachel and I go straight to the master closet to get clothes for me.  It feels weird to see half, okay let's be real, less than half, the closet empty.  I snap a picture of what I see. Where Josh's clothes used to be piled and messy, there's nothing there.  We grab black jeans that aren't ripped, a flowy, flowered and top, and a denim jacket.  "Okay, lets go.  We both have to shower still?!  Let's go gurl!"
I let a final piece of hair fall from my flat iron. "Okay! I'm ready. Well, I'm not ready, but let's go."
We drive back to my house to pick up Josh, something I still don't want to do. On the way there, I'm constantly staring in my mirror since Rachel is driving. I feel really insecure and like I look awful. My makeup isn't over the top, but I tried to do it to look good.   I take a picture of what I see in the mirror. My shirt is kind of booby; I'm regretting the choice we made in my outfit. I don't want Josh looking at my chest the whole time.
When we pull in my driveway, I reluctantly follow Rachel inside where all the guys are. "Great" I whisper, sarcastically and rolling my eyes. Adam is here.
"What the f*ck" Rachel whispers back, "who invited him?"
"Wasn't me." I say.
Adam walks over and says, "Hey Colleen, Rachel"
He goes to hug me. That's what we've done as cousins for as long as I can remember. This time, I grab his wrists and say, "don't touch me! I don't know why you're here or who told you, but I'm not happy about it. I asked you and Stephanie and Andrew to come to my parents yesterday. Not only did you not come, but you already knew! If Josh told you, that's one thing, still not right, but it's more acceptable. I have a feeling that he didn't though. Am I right?"
"Yeah, yeah you are..." he says, suddenly embarrassed.
"She's 2,000 miles across the country and not related to me. Not her place. Just sayin. And tell her I said that; I effing dare you! Where's Josh, we need to go."
"Upstairs." He says, obviously a little mad at me. I don't care.
I go halfway up the stairs and shout "Joshua?! Let's go!"
I look down at the stairs and take a picture of my feet.
He comes down wearing jeans, a black t shirt, a gray sports jacket, and red high tops. What a freaking douche bag! Can't he at least class it up to sign divorce papers?!
I sit in the passenger seat next to Rachel. Josh sits behind me. It's dead silent the whole way there. I think if I talk, I'll cry.
When we get to the Los Angeles court house, we all get out. I grab file folders full of papers I am so glad I have. I walk in with my head down like a scared puppy. I pull my phone out and take a picture of my seemingly tiny feet on the blacktop.
Inside, I sign in and we sit down in a small waiting room. This appointment has been made for a while. Rachel sits between Joshua and I. We still have 15 minutes to go, and I'm freaking out. I move Rachel's hair from in front of her ear and say, "will you come to the bathroom with me?"
"Yeah."
As we get up, "she says we'll be right back."
In the single stall bathroom, we lock the door behind us. I put both my hands in the sink and lean on my wrists. Rachel stands beside me with her left hand in my hair. "Don't cry,"
She says, "I swear to god, if you start crying, you're not going to stop and you definitely can tell that your face was swollen."
"I'm scared. I feel sick. My head hurts. My stomach is all over the place. I never thought that the person who saw me at my best, my worst; my most beautiful, my most vulnerable, could make a situation so awkward."
"I know Colleen. Shh, it's gonna be okay."
It's silent for only a second. "Please, Rach, keep talking."
She understands. I can't have silence. Silence makes me think. "Colleen, you are the most incredible woman I know. You know, I know, everyone knows, this needs to happen. You really are gonna be okay. I know you can get through this. You are a role model to so many, and they all love you. This isn't going to change your family or your job. Okay, well there's the Adam Factor but we aren't gonna talk about that..."
I interrupt her, laughing a little, "God, think about Thanksgiving and Christmas and Easter, what's gonna happen with him?!"
"I think he'll probably stop coming around. Anyway, look at yourself. I need you to not blame yourself for someone else's feelings. You had to be married to find out that you're better off on your own. You spend a vast majority of your making other people happy. Sometimes though, you have to make a choice for yourself. This is one of those times, and you made the right choice. Can we go now? We only have about 6 minutes and they could be ahead of schedule."
"Yeah, I'm good."
I take a picture of my hand on the door knob. We both walk out of the bathroom and sit back down. I grab Rachel's hand. I don't care what Josh thinks. I need her hand. I do feel a little bad for him; he doesn't have anyone here because you get the two of you plus a witness. Even Josh agreed with me that Rachel was the best option. If something did go down, which it won't, she'd be honest even if it was at my expense. But because she's out witness, I get someone to comfort me. I secretly take a picture of my hand in Rachel's.
We're all sitting in a line on our phones. My right leg is crossed over my left. I decide that's picture worthy too since it's all I see. I also screenshot what I'm looking at on twitter. Within three minutes, I hear, "Mr. and Mrs. Joshua Evans?" ring through my world. Is that me? Am I "Mrs. Joshua Evans"? Is all I am my husband's Mrs.? I don't even have my own identity anymore? Is that what being married means; you loose all sense of identity and become property of your husband? I don't even know who I am anymore. It's 2016. I thought my name was Colleen Ballinger-Evans; not Mrs. Joshua. I am me and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. In just moments, I really will be Colleen Ballinger; nothing more and nothing less.
I see Josh's figure move past me. Rachel stands in front of me and I get up, holding her hands for balance. I feel dizzy. My hands are shaking. My world feels like someone grabbed a hold of it like a snow globe and shook it. The woman leads us to a small room with a small table. It has one chair with two chairs across from it and another single chair at the end. A man dressed in a business suit is sitting in the single chair on the long side of the table. He says, "okay, Joshua and Colleen Evans, please take a seat.  Is this your witness?" gesturing to Rachel.
     Josh says, "yeah, um, Rachel Ballinger."
     "Okay, great.  Go ahead and take a seat on the end here.  I have something for you to sign, Rachel, before we begin, then I'll have more to sign when we're done."
     She says, "Okay," nodding her head.
     The guy pulls out a whole bunch of papers.  "I'm going to need all of you to fill out a variation of this paper.  Date of birth, things like that."
     He pushes the papers across to us along with pens.  I start writing, my hand shaking the whole time.  After a few minutes, we're done.  He says, "okay, now we begin the actual divorce process.  Today, Joshua and Colleen Evans will no longer be legally married. Colleen will become Colleen Ballinger.  The divorce will be settled without a court case.  You said you have a Prenup?  I need that at this time along with the deed on your house."
     Rachel looks at me and says, "Colleen?"
     "Oh right!" I say, shaking my head, "here it is," pulling the two documents out of my file folder.
     The guy quickly reads over them and says, "so from this point on, the house you two live in will belong to Ms. Colleen Ballinger.  Your bank accounts are separate and none of Colleen's income will be shared with Joshua because of the Prenuptial Agreement."
     We sign about a million more things. Then the guy says, "okay, here is the official document that states your divorce.  I need you to both read over this then sign and date at the bottom."
     My eyes scan the paper.  I can't focus. I try to read and understand, but nothing makes sense.  I get through it and when we're both done, we look up at each other.  My eyes meet Josh's.  I nod. He nods. He reaches down and signs his name on the space designated for the one being divorced.  I get the divorcer line.  I rest the pen in my hand and try to sign.  My head is spinning and I can't even think of my name.  My hand shakes as I sign "Colleen Mae Ballinger."  It's done.  I will never have to do that again.  Tears spill out of my eyes.  Rachel leans over, hugs me, and rubs my back.  I can see the Josh has his head in his hands on the table.  I whisper in Rachel's ear, "please go hug Josh."
     I sit up and try to conduct myself.  I hear my sister say, "hey, I know the last thing you want right now is one of us, but..."
     He wraps his arms around her.