Sisters By Chance Friends by Choice

Chapter 17-Secrets

-July 6th 2018-
Colleen's POV
     I stare down at my phone in pure horror. Finally back at home, I have a chance to sit down and check all my internet stuff. Having seen what's gone down in the past year, it's a regular thing for me to check what Joshua's titled have been lately. "My Response"
Now he is not only exploiting the relationship that is no longer but also my unborn child and amazing fiancé? What did people think the "response" was going to be to? My pregnancy announcement, that's what.
There are things that happened that I have never told anyone from before I met Erik. It's nothing like domestic violence or anything. It's just, things have been said that not even Rachel knows about. Beginning when Haters Back Off first got picked up, really, Josh made my life hell on earth.
I tear a piece of paper out of a random notebook. I want to burn this later.
I write. I write all the things Josh ever did to me.
Hell on Earth...
Secret number one-Josh didn't want me to take the show. He wanted me to settle down and have kids. Netflix offered me my own freaking television show and my husband didn't want me to take advantage of that amazing opportunity.
Secret number two-when I did take the show, Josh began hating everything about me. If it wasn't my burping and farting, it was what I was wearing. There came a point when he was openly expressing how much he hated the way I did my hair or what I chose to wear.
Secret number three-when Josh says I didn't want him to move to Canada, he means he wouldn't move with me. That's all there is to it.
Secret number four-on set, I wasn't allowed to wear my rings. Miranda isn't married or engaged, obviously. Every time I looked down at my hands and saw my void left ring finger, it made me feel more free than I had ever felt. I would never admit it though.
Filming that show was the hardest thing I've ever done, for sure. Josh made the process as difficult as he could possibly make it. Everything I did he made me feel guilty for.
The day I had my first real conversation with Erik Stocklin, I felt something I hadn't felt in a really long time. It wasn't love. I did not love Erik when I met him. It was respect. Erik respected my work and expressed pride for me. He wasn't making fun of me. He wasn't calling the character that made my living stupid. He wasn't calling me stupid. He wasn't being a dick to me.  He was just talking to me, like real life human being with real life human feelings.
Every single night I would cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning like everything was fine. Everyone said I was being so strong. It's not true. Only Kory knows that truth. I would get home from work and just sob my eyes out, every night of my life for months.
There is a moment that is stuck in my head forever. Erik, Kory, and I were hanging out in my trailer. Josh called me and I answered it. We got in a fight. It was so heated that I had forgotten that there was even anyone else in the room. I was crying and Josh asked if I was on my period. I hung up so fast without even saying goodbye. The most vivid memory is a split second of standing in the middle of the trailer, phone in my hand limp at my side, feeling helpless and completely vulnerable. I felt a hand on my back and it was Erik's.
Erik didn't ask me what was wrong. He didn't have to.
At that moment, I was mortified. I had just completely lost it in front of my colleague. Now I'm more grateful for that hand than anything else anyone did for me. I turned and practically jumped into his arms. He held me tight and whispered calming words. I heard Kory leave. I know Josh wouldn't want me alone with Erik but I didn't care. We weren't hooking up and it was his fault I needed to be comforted in the first place. That day, Erik sat with me for over an hour, trying to console me.  He saw the real Colleen for the first time in his life.  I told him about my failing marriage and everything else that was wrong with my life.  Up until that point, he probably thought I had my shit together, when in reality, it was spiraling out of control.
Later that same day, I was standing outside with Erik on a short break from filming. I looked at him and said, "he asked me if I was on my period." and walk away. I couldn't explain anymore.

Rachel's POV
I stop over at Colleen's later even though she's not home. Kory needed someone to help him with a few things before tour, and Colleen is out to dinner with Erik.
I run upstairs to go through the clothes Colleen has. Now that she's pregnant, she's gonna need new show outfits. I see paper on her bed, and contemplate picking it up. She's a grown adult and I'm in her room. It's not my right to snoop around.
At the same time, I'm her little sister and always will be. Little sisters get into everything.  I pick up the note.
Before I even read, it's very clearly her writing. As I start to read the words on the page, tears flood my eyes and I can't see anymore. I quit because I still have to help Kory. Before I leave it exactly how it was, I snap pictures. I can't not know what else she wrote.

-later that evening-
In the safety of my home, I pull the pictures up on my phone. As I read, I cry. I didn't know any of this. Colleen didn't tell me this. I only ever saw the strength in her eyes. I mean, I knew she was falling apart inside, but to me, Colleen was my big sister. She still is.  It never even crossed my mind that she could be more miserable than I knew.  She was dealing with life like a champ, but in reality, she wasn't.
I don't worry about Colleen now. I know she's happy. The way her face lights up with Erik is something I've never seen from her before. She's not depressed.
     But this makes me think back to two years ago and ask myself how many things did I miss? How many swollen eyes and deep conversations did I misinterpret?  How could I have been so naive to something that was very real?
     I sneak from my office to the bathroom.  Matt's home and I have no desire for him to see me like this.  I think he had headphones on playing x box or something or else he probably would've already heard me.
     I settle down and splash water on my face.  When I think I'm done crying, I look at myself in the mirror and it starts all over again.  How could I not have known?  I ask myself.
     I lean against the sink, sobbing my eyes out.  I hear a knock at the door.  Oh shit.  "Rach?" Matt asks quietly, "are you crying?"
     I smile to myself.  I'm pretty lucky to have a guy who's so concerned about me.
     I nod as if he can see me.  I unlock the door and open it up.  He pulls me into his arms, and I burry my face in his shoulder.  "What's wrong, baby?" He asks, putting a hand on the back of my head.
      We go sit on our bed and I explain to Matt, through tears, generally why I was upset.  Colleen even wrote herself that these are secrets she never intended on telling anyone.  I'm not gonna go telling my boyfriend after I've already seen something I wasn't supposed to.
     I settle down as it's getting late. Matt fixes me some dinner and we eat over an episode of Survivor. I get a text from Colleen that says, "were you in my room earlier?"
My heart stops.

A/N I don't know what that was 😂
I'm kinda failing at this book.  It doesn't even feel like there is any real storyline.