"Hey. Um, I am dreading making this video...I'm just gonna say it..."
"I'm sorry for disappointing you. That's all...And be nice to people."
As soon as I turn the camera off, I burst out into tears. I burry my face in my hands, completely mortified about what I just had to do. It's done. It's done. It's done. That's all I can think.
I hear a knock on the office door. I'm sure it's Rachel. "Colleen?"
"C..come in," I manage through tears.
She opens the door and closes it behind her. "You okay?" She asks, sitting on the couch that is pulled out and turning the chair in in around to face her.
"No."
She opens her arms to me. I get out of the chair and sit down in Rachel's lap. She puts one arm around my waist and rests the other hand on my leg. "You know, you'll never have to do that again now. It's done. You did it. That part is done."
"I know," I say, sitting up from Rachel's chest and rubbing my eyes.
"So where are you going today?"
"Chris's. With Kory. We'll spend a couple hours with the kids; I wanted to explain to them myself, with Chris and Jess, how he's not going to be around anymore. Then Chris told me that Jess's mom is gonna take the kids. We're going into Mom's then. I actually," I say, looking at my phone, "need to go in a few minutes. I'm meeting Kory at my house."
"How are you getting there...?"
"Will you drive me? Pleeaseeeee?"
"Yes, I suppose," Rachel says, pretending to be annoyed.
At my house, we pull in and I go inside. I make Rachel come with me because, as far as I know, it's Joshua; Jeremy, his brother; and Matt Slays. They're downstairs piling suitcases and boxes by the door. "Hey." I say, quietly.
The first thing I notice is that Josh's face is red and swollen. I bet he just filmed.
Within a few minutes, Kory is here and we're leaving. Rachel goes home too.
On the way to Santa Barbra, Kory and I talk. I tell him how I'm nervous to say anything to the kids. I was worried that I'd completely break down and end up bawling. I'm not really anymore because I feel a lot better now.
Walking up the sidewalk, I'm greeted with kids' noses pressed against the windows of the house. I wave and sign "I love you."
At the door, Bailey throws it opened and wraps her arms around me. I place my hands on her back. Meanwhile, I hear Parker in the background saying, "I have tongue tattoos! I have tongue tattoos!" I have no idea what that means but I'm pumped about it.
I let go of Bailey and Jess comes to hug me. She whispers "are you okay?" in my ear.
"Yeah." I say back.
We go in the living room, apply tongue tattoos, which I quickly discover are sugary temporary tattoos that adhere to your tongue. Once the kids are kind of all sitting down, I look up at Chris and he nods. I kneel down on the floor with the kids. I pull Parker into my lap and say, "so guys, I have to tell you something. Joshua, isn't going to be around anymore. He isn't going to be at my house when you come or at Grandma's when the whole family is visiting or here when I come to see you."
They look slightly confused. I don't know what to say. Jess saves me and says, "so how does that make you guys feel? Do you know what it means?"
Bailey speaks up and says, "so we aren't going to see Joshua anymore?"
"Nope." Jess says, "he isn't going to live with Auntie Panties anymore."
"But they're married...?" Bailey says, confused.
Jess panics for a second then calmly replies, "sometimes Bailey, when two people get married, they realize that they aren't happy together. Sometimes, they think they love each other then they find out they aren't happy. Your Daddy and I are very happy together. Auntie Panties and Joshua weren't happy together anymore. And you should only spend your life with people who make you very happy. That's why I spend my life with Daddy and you and Jake and Parker and Auntie Panties and Aunt Rachel and all the other people we love. Does that make sense to you?"
"Yeah," Bailey says, apparently satisfied.
The next 45 minutes blow by. The kids kind of just disregard what I told them and continue on like children, which is good. I play with them and they make me smile. When Jess' mom picks them up, the rest of us get ready to go. Chris informs me that they are taking me to this really awesome ukulele store. I'm pretty excited.
When we arrive, I'm pretty much in heaven. Surrounded by my favorite instrument, Chris and I start fooling around with different songs on ukuleles whose sounds we've never experienced before.
I'm playing one of the ukes, not really paying attention to what is going on around me. I look up from my fingers and see Chris with his camera out. The first thing I do is look back down at my hand to make sure I put my rings back on. I did it for this exact purpose. I didn't want anyone to see me on camera or in real life without them because I know people are already speculating. Obviously, I haven't been wearing my engagement ring, wedding band, or Koa ring, especially for my divorce video, but I put them back on today. I hate it, but I did it for the camera. I'm not mad at Chris for filming; I literally told him it was fine to. I'm on camera all the time, so I didn't think I would think anything of it. But it's weird. It feels different. Like I know something that none of the viewers do. Like I'm keeping a secret. They'll see this video before they see my divorce video. In this video, I'm still with Josh. We're still happily married. But we're not. Time is all screwed up in my head because of the fact that I'm on the internet. There's a gap between what is real, what people think is real, and when they find out it's not real.
For the vlog, I look up and awkwardly smile, strumming away on the ukulele. I end up getting this really beautiful one with almost a glitter outline. It's super pretty and I can't wait to use it more. Chris just picks up a couple Disney music books to play for the kids.
When we're walking down the sidewalk, out of the store, Chris pulls out the camera again to tell everyone what we got. I pretend to be comfortable and happy, but obviously I'm not.
We go grab lunch at Panera. I get a Caesar salad and mac and cheese. Once we're all settled at a table, Jess says, "okay Colleen, spill it. Say whatever you want."
I was waiting for her to say that. I look around, to make sure no one is listening or coming towards us. When I decide it's app clear, I say, "It is so hard. So hard. These days have probably been the worst days of my life. I feel exhausted, sick, and like I could start crying at any minute. Rachel has been incredible though, and no offense to you guys, but I don't think I could do it without her."
"What have you done so far? Filming...signing?" Chris asks.
"So yesterday, I met with Kate and Nicole and Jimmy also came for Netflix. Rach went with me. I don't know if she told you or not, but we're gonna go ahead and release this on the 30th, which is before anything will go through. Tomorrow...we're going to the courthouse. Rachel is going to be our witness."
"So he isn't going to try to have it go to court?" Jess asks.
"No. He knows that there is no reason to. There aren't kids involved, and thank god, I don't know what I would do if there were, and I don't know if you guys know this, but we have a prenup. The house deed is under my name and I'm the only one who could afford to pay for it, so it obviously has to stay that way. Our marriage was pretty much set up for divorce. The logistics are easy and that's ultimately because there aren't children. If there were, we'd end up in court, for sure."
Chris asks, "and what about...the release of HBO?"
"Yeah. Jimmy said if I could be back online starting the 7th in order to do a week of Miranda videos beginning then, it'd be fine. So basically, I'm allowed to stay on the down low until then. I had a Colleen video for the 27th already that I have to post. It's a brand deal with Aduible and I filmed it with Rachel at Mom's a few weeks ago. Everyone is going to think it was filmed there because I'm living there. I just happened to be there, needed to submit it for approval, and Rachel said she would film with me. That's literally it."
Kory speaks up and says, "screw them. It's fine, you know the truth and that's all that matters."
"I know! It's just makes me so f**king pissed that I know 12 year olds are going to be in a position to ridicule a 30 year old grown woman's life choices. It's makes me sick."
"I know," he says, "it sucks."
"So anyway, that'll go up and make the situation seem normal, I haven't missed a Colleen video. I also need a Miranda video to go up tomorrow, so I think I'll post the Potty Training a Toddler one that I did with Parker. I am not going to worry about Thursday for Miranda because who cares?! I don't! Then after the 30th, which is when a Pyschosoprano video should go up anyway; how ironic, I'll stop everything. On the 7th, I'll at least post for Miranda."
"Just saying Colleen, I give you a lot of credit and I think everyone else does too. You don't realize it, but you're killing it right now! I want you to remember that," Jess says to me.
Chris asks, "what's going on as far as packing goes? I know you two may not be getting along, but I'd feel really awful if...Josh...is alone and trying to move out in a day. If you want, I could spend a couple hours there helping. Or does he already have people?"
"Um, Jeremy and Matt were there when Kory met me there. I think Adam was going to go over later when they got the truck to help load the bigger things like his dresser."
"You told Adam already?!" Chris asks, shocked.
"No. I didn't tell any cousins or aunts. I asked people to come over to Mom's today so I could tell them. Either Josh or Erin must've told Adam, neither of whom were in any position too. Whatever. It's done.
"Oh, I see. So you think they're okay?"
"They'll be fine. He has tomorrow too. Um, do you think the kids are okay?" I ask, twirling my hair out of nerves.
Jess says, "I do. Parker is really too little to know what's going on anyway. He probably won't even remember "Uncle Josh" in a couple years. Jake doesn't understand. The ideas of marriage and love are all too abstract for him, so I think he just thinks "oh Joshua is moving out and we won't see him anymore." Bailey, Bailey understands. She doesn't know what divorce is because why would she. But she heard that you aren't happy and understands why you wouldn't want to live with someone who doesn't make you happy. I really do think those kids love you enough that, in the future, they'll probably pretty much forget about Josh."
Forget about Josh. Forget about Josh. Forget about Josh; those words ring through my head. I don't hear anything that anyone else is saying. Those kids are so young that they wouldn't even remember someone who had been around for their entire lives. I mean really, Bailey was an infant when I started dating Josh. He is normal to them, but 3, 7, and 9 years are really insignificant in the grand scheme of life. They won't remember moments that happened 20 years ago when they're 30. The only way memories that young are stored is if they continue to be made. They've all seen the last of Josh. The times he lifts them up and tosses them on the bed or sneaks them an extra jelly bean on Easter, it's all ending now. And they won't remember any of it.
When we're done with lunch, we get in Chris' car to ride to my parents. Andrew and Stephanie are gonna be there and I hope to have a relaxing evening. The kids are staying with Jess' mom so I won't have to worry about holding myself together or saying things I would regret in front of kids. When I walk inside, my mom runs over and hugs me. I love being in my mother's arms because she will always see me as her baby. I don't have to be an adult when I'm around her; I can revert back to the child who cries when Daddy leaves for work and needs someone to read her a bedtime story. She says, "you okay?"
I nod into her shoulder. I hear those words way too often now.
Stephanie and Andrew are already there. I walk into the living room and say, "hey guys!" I try to put a smile on my face. But I know they're looking into the eyes of a swollen eyed, red faced girl.
Everyone mutters "hellos" back. I say, "So, um....I don't know how to do this. I wanted you to come over here because...I wanted to tell you...that, that I am divorcing Josh,"
The tears in my eyes spill over as Stephanie hugs me. Andrew rubs my back. I love my cousins so much. I know that as soon as I walked in here, they knew something was wrong. We grew up like siblings. We grew up together all the time. They know me just as well as my brothers and sister. "I'm sorry," Stephanie says.
"Me too." I say.
After a few minutes of hugs, Andrew says, "where's Adam?"
"Currently? At my house. Someone else apparently took it upon themselves to tell him. Because you know; why wouldn't you just tell your boyfriend when your brother's wife is divorcing him, the same boyfriend who happens to be your brother's wife's cousin?"
"No! She didn't do that! Really?"
"I don't actually know. It was her or Josh. Anyway, Adam is helping pack I believe. Whatever. Screw. Her."
It's this moment that I realize this may have messed up the bond I have with one of my cousins. Adam just literally isn't going to be around anymore. What if Andrew and Stephanie leave me too? If Adam gets married...they'd be in laws. Maybe I'm not worth it. Maybe I'm not worth the drama. Maybe I'm not worth the backlash they'd get.
Stephanie says, "don't worry about him, Colleen. I will always be here for you, I promise."
"Me too. I'm not going to follow stupid antics I don't support. I want to be your family, not someone else's."
Their words make me feel a little better, but it's still in my head. I excuse myself to my childhood bedroom for a minute to call Rachel.
C: hey
R: what's up? What happened?
C: Adam is at my house and Stephanie and Andrew are with me at Mom's. I literally didn't tell him.
R: what?
C: I just told Steph and Andrew. I don't know how Adam found out. Well, I do, but I don't.
R: you really think..?
C: *talking louder* yes I really think! Did you tell him? No! How else would he know. And who invited him to help pack?
R: you're right. Are you okay? What's going on tonight?
C: I'm fine. Chris and Jess are still here. We're gonna hang out this evening along with Stephanie and Andrew. Teeny might come over too. I'm staying here, no clue what anyone else is doing. I know Jess' mom has the kids overnight so I don't know if Chris is going home or not. I'll be fine.
R: Okay...seriously, call me if you need anything. And. Listen, I don't what you to cry yourself to sleep by yourself tonight, k?
*at this, I laugh a little*
C: no promises! But I'll try. Okay, see you tomorrow. Thanks. Love you.
R: I love you too, remember that. Bye bye.
When I'm off the phone with Rachel, we start cooking dinner. I help make grilled chicken and corn on the cob, which I will cut off because I'm not a serial killer!
After we eat, we go out back and start playing ukulele. Chris pulls up the chords for "Don't Worry Be Happy". He knows I need it right now. He and I play the chords and sing the chorus, and my dad stands behind us and sings some of the extra lines. It makes me laugh so hard. I love my family and friends so much. My brother is playing the uke with me, my dad is making me laugh, my mom cooked with me, my sister in law went to lunch with me, my cousins hugged me when I needed it, and my best friends in the whole world are surrounding me. Teeny even came over tonight. These people are my world, and they're the only reason I manage to keep smiling. I look down at my hand; in still wearing my rings. That one sight pulls me back to my current reality.
YOU ARE READING
Sisters By Chance Friends by Choice
FanfictionThis is a story about the bond Colleen and Rachel Ballinger share. When Colleen goes through the hardest moments of her life, who will have her back through everything? Disclaimer: this is a story about something that did really happen. The event...
