So I'm a Vampire... Now What? - Book 2 (Original Version)

Chapter 1.2 - The Other Vampire pt2

"He must have been in the bathroom when I passed through," Claude said darkly. "I don't like missing stuff like this. Tell me everything you can about him." Claude scanned the assemblage of aunts, uncles and cousins that overflowed my mom's kitchen out onto the modest wooden deck in the backyard.

My mom had announced that I was coming home, and of course, the entire family had shown up. They hadn't had to travel far in most cases since they dominated the cul-de-sac and even shared a backyard, one huge continuous expanse, by the simple act of not even bothering to put up the usual fences. The Ramjits had at one time, been the exception. They had once owned the house right in the middle of the cul-de-sac, flanked on both sides by my family. They had tried to keep their backyard and their affairs separate, but my family has a way of making everyone feel welcome. The Ramjits had eventually gotten swept up in the family spirit and had become an extended part of the family for a few years before they had moved away to Vancouver. If the Ramjits had been there, my mom would have invited them over as well. As it was, it was the rest of the actual family in attendance. She'd probably had to promise them food or something, which was more or less a given in my family, but they had all been there to welcome me home.

Surprise! Yay.

And speaking of surprises: did I mention the strange fucking vampire lurking in my mom's fucking kitchen? I did? Yeah? Just making sure.

"I've never seen anything like him outside of a movie," I replied.

"What do you mean?"

***

Picture a vampire from one of the worst B-movies you can recall. You're probably thinking of someone wearing ancient and out-of-style clothing, stiff-necked and deathly pale. He probably has fingernails that are way too long, and his hair is most likely slicked back with copious amounts of grease. He may or may not be handsome. In the movies, there is always a logic behind this appearance, you know, the vampire being old and away from the world for a long time. It's inevitably a fish-out-of-water situation.

This guy sitting in my mom's kitchen was a caricature of that B-movie vampire.

I would say that he looked like he had stolen someone's Halloween costume, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. It looked more like he had raided the closet of the high school drama department and had settled on a quasi Robert-Smith-from-the-80s look. He was trying very hard to look like a badass vampire and was failing badly, but I honestly didn't think he had a clue, especially with that amount of lace around his wrists. Nobody is going to look badass with that amount of lace. True story.

The thing is... nobody even seemed to notice his ridiculous outfit. Like at all. Everyone was swirling around him and talking and laughing, and it was like they just didn't see him. One of my younger cousins, Yvette (at least I think it's Yvette), reached right past him to grab some cookies and he just casually leaned back and watched her carefully, almost hungrily.

I had a moment where I thought I was looking at a ghost, but then he looked up right at me—

***

Claude nodded thoughtfully. "Those eyes are a dead giveaway every time. Aren't you glad we got you those coloured contact lenses?"

"Totally. Great idea. I still feel stupid for not even thinking about it months ago."

"Yeah, me too. So did you talk to him?"

"What was I supposed to say? He looked right at me, and that motherfucker smirked at me. Right in my mom's kitchen!"

"So you have to kill him because he smirked at you? Overkill much?"

"Dude! There's a creepy-ass, eighties reject vampire sitting in my mom's kitchen, and everybody is acting like he's not even there. If that is not 'drive a stake through his heart and explain the rest later' territory, I don't know what is!"

"I think you need to calm down and think this through—"

I took a deep calming breath and Claude smiled encouragingly.

"Okay. Thought it through: I'm going to need a sharp stick."

***

We made our way through the horde of family that moved so freely around my mom's house. I still hadn't found a sharp stick, but Claude had some pepper spray and a bottle of Coca-Cola, so he felt reasonably confident about the situation. We'd had a bad coffee situation that had almost killed me, and since Coke was the closest thing we had at the moment, Claude figured it was worth a try. The idea was to pepper-spray the vampire and then force the Coke down his throat while he was screaming. It wasn't a great plan, (to be honest, it was actually my plan) but it was kind of short notice, okay?

My cousin Ronnie who had always had a crush on Claude decided that now was a good time to attach herself to us. She disengaged from Auntie Luciana when she saw us approaching and jumped in front of us to show off the new bowling jacket that my mom had given her.

"You guys like it? I'm on the team!"

"Go Punk Ninjas," I murmured.

"You're the punk," Ronnie said, making flirty eyes at Claude. "It's las Ninjas Rosas. You like what you see Claude?" Ronne struck a pose that happened to showed off both the badass logo with the skull for an O, and her boobs at the same time. She always got this way around Claude.

"Can I let you down gently later Ronnie? We're kinda busy." Claude said, following me closely. Intrigued, Ronnie tagged along, pulling herself close to Claude.

"Whatcha guys doing?"

"We're hunting a vampire."

"Cool. Can I come along? It's my solemn duty as a Pink Ninja to hunt any vampires in the area you know."

"Only if you're coming to help and not if you're going to be 'accidentally' rubbing up against Claude."

"I promise I won't. I have a boyfriend now anyway."

"You're doing it right now," Claude pointed out.

Ronnie had latched herself onto Claude and somehow had managed to squeeze her boobs against his back as she followed him through the crowd.

"Oops," she said. "I'm sorry." She really wasn't. "I won't do it again."

"So where's this dude?" Claude asked me.

"He's right there, by the table."

We entered the kitchen, and there he was, that creepy fuck of a vampire, just sitting perched on his stool in the kitchen as my family moved around him, accommodating him without seeming to know he was even there.

"What are we looking for?" Ronnie wanted to know.

Claude leaned in close to Ronnie, which of course made her ludicrously happy, and pointed at where the vampire was sitting. Ronnie tore her eyes away from Claude's face to look where he was pointing.

"You don't see anyone there?"

Ronnie looked, and it's as if her eyes slid away from looking at the vampire. She instead wound up looking at my other cousin Isabella and her new boyfriend. She waved happily.

"It's only Isabella. You should come meet her, Claude. I'll take you."

Claude and I exchanged a look and then looked back to the vampire in the middle of the room, who was now looking directly at us.

This time, that motherfucker was sneering.

Music: Radiohead - Shiny Happy People