So I'm a Vampire... Now What? - Book 2 (Original Version)

Chapter 8.9 Night of the Vampire pt 9

Now, you might be wondering why any of us vampires would even bother to use guns or even be scared of guns, after all, we're vampires, right? Immortal, heal fast, move fast, come back from the dead... All of that good stuff. What do we have to worry about, right?

Let me break it down for you.

Fact: dying still hurts, especially if you get shot. I'd already been shot in the face and believe me, it was not a pleasant experience. I still get nightmares from it, and it's not something I'm in a hurry to be reacquainted with.

Little note about vampires and guns for those of you who are thinking that maybe there were some special garlic or silver bullets or some other magical bullshit and that's why I was so worried. Not at all.

Fact: bullets move really, really fucking fast. By the time you hear the shot, the bullet has already torn a brand new hole through your chest, so don't even think that Beatrice even has a chance to even think about dodging bullets because she is that kind of a badass.

Fact: bullets are highly destructive and will tear flesh, rip muscles, snap tendons, shatter bone and rupture organs just as a matter of course. It doesn't matter who's standing in the way or how fast that person (vampire) can heal; first, that bullet is going to tear through you, and it's definitely going to fuck your shit up. And it's going to hurt. Like a lot. A hell of a lot. Basic laws of physics apply at all times to physical beings, and vampires are definitely physical.

Fact: take your preconceived notions of why it's "stupid" to try to shoot a vampire and-- oh, I'm not allowed to insult you, am I?

Anyway, let's get back to me being a badass.

***

Three targets, two guns in my hands and John Woo yelling "ACTION!" in my head.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! One gun roared, the shots hitting Dreadlocks in the ass, the shoulder and then the back of the head, blood and brains spraying across the van and the concrete. He went down to his, knees, convulsing and there was the KLAT-KLAT-KLAT-KLAT as the machine gun roared to life, high calibre rounds ripping a jagged path through the two parked cars, the concrete pillars, and the ceiling before his hand slipped from the gun, leaving only the whirr of the gun winding down.

BLAM! BLAM! The other gun roared, one shot hitting Tattoo in the middle of his forehead; the other bullet hit Trenchcoat right in the chest, and she scrambled backward, blood blooming on her shirt--

***

Oh, who am I kidding? Look: none of that happened. It's more like the movie I had playing in my head about what would happen, but as usual, it was far from my fucked up reality.

Movies don't just lie about vampires and how to kill us. They lie about guns. Almost everything you see in a movie is about how to fire a gun or even about the type of damage a gun does, is a lie.

Firing two guns at once is a huge mistake that really should be avoided unless you are an accredited badass with honours.

Unless you've actually fired a gun before or had some training in gun safety, there are lots of things that you wouldn't even begin to guess. I had never fired a gun before, so I was in the same boat as everybody else with my lack of knowledge.

In short, that's why I aimed those Glocks and pulled the triggers, fully intending to remind these would-be assassins that physics wasn't fucking around today and neither was I.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

I missed.

Every single shot.