So I'm a Vampire... Now What? - Book 2 (Original Version)

Chapter 4.3 A Family Affair (pt 3)

Claude unscrewed the bedroom door from its hinges since it was the largest door in the apartment. The closet doors were ridiculously skinny, and the bathroom door was definitely not an option since Ronnie was hiding out in there plotting ways to murder me.

I was still wearing the gas mask and hating Claude at that moment.

Claude was now wearing his coat and gloves. The temperature in the apartment had dropped quickly in the past fifteen minutes, you know since I had a busted open the door and everything. Ronnie had yelled at me and then tried unsuccessfully to stab me with a variety of knives and when I wouldn't let her, she had resorted to very hurtful insults. She had also tried to use her crucifix on me, but when that had completely failed to have any effect, she had stormed off to the bathroom in a rage.

"I think she's taking it quite well," Claude said as we carried the bedroom door over to the entrance.

"At least she's not throwing things at me anymore," I grumbled.

I tugged on the mask so I could see better, and cleared some of the splintered wood out of the doorframe. I noted how the hinges had twisted and ripped their way out of the wood.

"I don't think it's gonna work, dude," I said. "I might have kicked just a little too hard."

"What?" Claude asked. "It's hard to hear you in the mask."

"It's not going to work!" I yelled, miming at the same time. Claude understood this time.

"We're not replacing the door," Claude explained as we maneuvered the door into the frame. "We just need it in place to keep out the wind and snow until we can get it done properly."

"That makes sense." Thumbs up.

"Grab the duct-tape for me. We need to seal this doorway if we're don't want to freeze to death."

I paused, my hand on the tape. I pointed at the mask and then made a gesture indicating the air. Claude shrugged, clearly not understanding. I gave up and ripped the mask off. I paused, waiting for the pepper to attack my eyes and sinuses. There was a slight tingle, but that seemed to be all.

"It seems better..." I said cautiously.

"Open door helps. What were you saying?"

"If we seal the door, that means we're going to be trapped inside. With Ronnie. And she wants to kill me."

"Let's burn that bridge when we're on it, okay?"

"I'm on it, and I can feel the heat."

"Oh just pass the tape and let's get this done. We're not going anywhere in a snowstorm, so we're going to have to deal with your eventual murder when it comes up."

"I was afraid you'd say something like that," I said and tore the first strip for the top of the door.

We operated pretty quickly, tearing long strips and sealing the door pretty effectively. It was a mass of duct tape by the time we were done, but the wind was definitely not getting in.

"Are we gonna talk about that pepper gun of yours or not?"

"It's a SALT gun, designed for home protection. It shoots balls of powdered pepper spray or teargas, and it's designed to incapacitate, not kill. I figured that since you had such a bad reaction to pepper and anything spicy, it would work great on other vampires. A direct hit should be enough to put a vampire out of commission. At least long enough for me to escape."

"I thought it was something you'd have come up with..."

Claude grinned.

"I'm not that smart. I ordered it while I was recovering at Madame Vera's. I had a lot of time on my hands and access to a lot of new information. It's amazing what you can find on the internet. After what Sebastien did to me with one punch, I figured I needed an edge if I was going to be dealing with the asshole vampires coming after you."

I nodded and found my eyes drawn to the bathroom door at the other end of the apartment.

"You gonna go talk to her or you want me to do it?' Claude asked.

"Well she likes you better, and she doesn't want to murder you—"

Claude was already shaking his head.

"Remember, I'm your accomplice. In her mind, I'm just as bad as you are."

"But you're better at the talking. Besides, she really, really likes you."

"You realize me talking to her is just going to make her like me more, right? She's still going to hate you."

"Oh goddammit."

I stomped over to the bathroom door and then took a deep breath before saying anything.

"You can't stay in there forever, Ronnie. Why don't you come on out?"

"So you can try to hypnotize me and suck my blood? Fuck you!"

"Seriously?"

"It's what that monster did to Imelda!"

"I'm nothing like that douchebag!" I pleaded. "I promise I won't drink your blood."

"That's exactly what I would expect a monster who wants to drink my blood to say! Try again!"

"I really don't want to drink your blood! The thought hadn't even begun to entertain the possibility of crossing my mind!"

"Maybe not right now, but what happens when you get hungry?"

"Blood isn't even food!"

"It isn't? Really?" That sounded almost hopeful. Doubtful but hopeful.

"Yeah, really. It's more like a drug."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Ronnie yelled. I looked at Claude for help, but he just shrugged.

Ronnie continued: "What's your mama going to say about this? She's going to murder you! As in literally murder you!"

"I was going to tell her, you know," I said quietly. "That's what that whole trip home away about. But then Daemien was there, and that changed everything. How could I tell her what I was after that? We'd just killed that fucker, all of us, for what he'd done to the family. What was I supposed to do? 'Oh, by the way, I'm a vampire too, please don't kill me'?"

"Something like that, yeah."

"And you think they would have been okay with that?"

A moment while she thought, then: "No, we would have murdered the fuck out of you, pinche cabron," Ronnie said fiercely. "Motherfucking chupacabra."

"I honestly can't think of anything witty or clever to say to that."

"I knew you two were hiding something from me. I fucking asked you too. I asked you, and you lied to my face."

I had no idea what to say. "Sorry?"

"I even thought that if one of you was a vampire, it had to be Claude. He would be good as a vampire."

"That's what they keep telling me."

"You know, with his looks and that tight butt of his—"

"Can we not talk about Claude's butt? Please?"

"Doesn't bother me," Claude smirked. I gave him the finger.

"Why couldn't you have just been gay or trans or something normal?"

"You know me. I never make things easy."

The door squeaked open, and Ronnie glared fiercely out through the crack.

"If you suck my blood I'm going to be so pissed at you."

"Yeah, I know."

"Tell me everything. But no lies."