TORN//Derek Luh

Chapter 13

I wake up in between Ana and Skate. I have a huge headache and there's a lot of pain and discomfort down there. 

I hurt so bad that I want to cry. I slip out of Skate's bed without being noticed. I quickly run back to my room. I walk into my bathroom and turn on the shower. 

I step inside slowly hurting but I let the warm water run down my body. It relaxes me. After I take a 45 minute shower, I get dressed. I hurt still but not as bad.

I really hope Skate and Ana don't remember what happened. I decide to go to the kitchen and grab something to eat. 

Seeing that everybody else is asleep I go sit on the balcony with a bottle of beer.

"Hey mom. I know I haven't talked to you, and dad for a couple months. I miss you guys so much, I have so much going on though. I got signed to Epitaph Records last week. I'm so happy, that means that I can finally distract myself better. 

Last night at my birthday dinner I slipped up and said that I was going to be in the studio more to distract myself from my feelings for Derek. His girlfriend Lele then almost murdered me. I made something up about there being another Derek.

I mean there is. He is my coworker and a guy I will be working on a song with. I don't have feelings for him but he is a really sweet guy. I hated lying to everybody like that, but like I said they can't know that I am in love with my best friend. 

I decided that I will hide out in the studio until my feelings for Derek go away. After dinner we went to the club. That was fun, I met this really sweet guy from Spain named Ivan Martinez. He was just the cutest. 

His lips tasted like cotton candy and alcohol. He had this beautiful blonde hair, big muscles, gorgeous eyes, and he had the thickest accent. We exchanged numbers and then he left. I then woke up in bed between Skate and Ana. I'm hurting really bad. 

I think I lost my virginity to Skate. I really hope I didn't but I guess if I did then it's better than losing it to some random guy I guess, but now things will be awkward. 

I'm no longer your precious little flower. Although, the thought of sex makes me feel weird still so I guess I'm a virgin sort of. I just really wish you guys were here. I'm so sorry that you're gone. 

I feel awful everyday. I hate laying my head down at night knowing that you had so much life to live but it was my fault. I hate waking up in the mornings knowing that I was the reason you died. 

I was such a terrible brat that day. I lost you because I threw a fit about a stupid necklace. I really fucking hate myself for that mom. In so many ways on so many levels I wish that was me that was there. If I could go back and change it all I truly would.

I love you guys so much and I can't ever stop blaming myself for your deaths. I hate my fucking life right now. I want you here to support me and see me grow. I was 14 mom. I was such a little bitch that day. I regret it so much. I'm so fucking sorry mom. I'm so so so so so so sorry." I cry. 

I fall to my knees crying, I hate this. I'm no longer a virgin, I lost both of my parents at 14 because I was a little shithead, and now I'm in love with my best friend but he doesn't return the feeling. 

"You know mom, I just realized I died without actually dying. It's called loving Derek, but he doesn't return the feeling. You can die without dying by loving somebody who doesn't love you back."

I finish the beer and break a piece of the glass off the bottle. 

"Mom this is for every time I ever hurt you, dad, Derek, Skate or anyone I care about." I say taking the glass to my wrist. I slice 2 cuts for everything I ever did to hurt.

Hurting mom by saying awful things when she was only trying to help me. 2 cuts

Lying to my dad about not drinking with friends. 2 cuts

Lying to Skate about not taking pills. 2 cuts

Lying to Derek about not being in love with him. 2 more

Hurting dad for only wanting to give me a ride to school. Another 2

Killing my mom and dad for being a spoiled little bitch. 2 again.

"I'm so sorry mom and dad for being a terrible little girl. I love you more than anything, and maybe we will be together again soon." I say as the world goes black.