Have Hope

Gender Reveal (edited)

Three months ago, I found out about my pregnancy. Three months ago, Andrew left. Forever.

For the first two weeks after he walked out, I let myself hold onto absolutely nothing but the hope that he'd realize he was being stupid, he loved me, and he'd love our baby. Holding onto that just led to even more hurt when I finally forced myself to face the facts. I'm going to have to do this without him.

When Andrew walked away that day, he apparently walked out of everyone else's lives, too – his parents included. According to Shea, his mom, he only contacts her and Craig, his dad, every couple of months just so they know he is alive. That's all I know about him at this point – he is alive. The same boy I used to know every last detail about. And all I know now is that he is alive. I don't even know if he's healthy.

He broke my heart into an uncollectible number of little pieces when he walked out, but he's Andrew. I gave him my everything for five years. I still love him, and I'll always care about him. I hope he's okay.

My life and the lives of everyone I love has done a complete 180 since I told more and more people about the pregnancy.

Leah left FIT for her final year of college and transferred to Indiana University, so she could be closer to help me with the baby. And be by her family again, is what she tells me whenever I express to her how guilty I feel about her giving up her dream school for me. She swears that she was planning on transferring, even before I got pregnant, and my stupid boyfriend broke up with me. None of her arguments have done much to ease my guilt though.

Then, my brother sold his apartment in Muncie and helped me find a two-bedroom apartment to move into, so he can live with me and help out while I'm pregnant. He insisted that it's not safe for me to live alone while pregnant.

Even my parents decided it was time to step down from their high-up positions at the corporate office in New York. They moved back to Indiana, and they are now working for the office here in Bloomington instead.

Everyone changed their plans to help me. While I'm endlessly grateful, I can't shake the guilt. Leah should still be at FIT, Brennan should still be working his way up at the PR firm in Muncie, and my parents should still be in New York.

"Are you ready for your doctor's appointment?" Leah says in a sing-song voice, strolling into my room.

She seems a lot happier to be home in Indiana again. Or maybe that's just my subconscious trying to convince myself.

Everyone has spent the past three months doing everything they can to help ease my heartbreak and see the light in this situation, but it seems impossible.

My doctor has told me several times that depression is bad for the baby, but I don't know what the solution is. My baby's dad and the love of my life left. How am I supposed to smile when even that simple action makes me think of him?

"Yeah," I say to Leah.

"You get to find out the gender today, H. That's exciting!" She claps and smiles. She's excited like I should be.

I push Andrew as far out of my thoughts as I possibly can for the time being and muster up the most convincing smile I can manage.

"I think she's a girl," I admit. Because of the whole thinking about Andrew and being depressed things, I don't really talk about my pregnancy much. Nothing more than the doctor check-ups and prenatal vitamins. I haven't even done any baby shopping yet. So, Leah's eyes light up when she hears me talk about the baby. "Mother's intuition."