((Authors note at end before you make any dumb decisions))
So this is it. The first draft I'd never dreamt of making.
A few times I'd wondered how these thoughts might go, but always too coward to pen them.
I guess the biggest question is why. Why oh why? Who to blame? How to feel? Too bad you'll have to hunt for those answers in my words. I was never brave enough to truly answer those questions and that will not change in my death.
But the biggest reason is myself. Yep I know kind of anticlimactic but true nonetheless. I got myself tangled in such a big web of 'I don't know's and kept pretending that I knew my way out of the maze despite watching it grow by the minute. Surprise! I'm a control freak and I have nothing else to control at this point. Why continue pretending that this life is my life, directed by my decisions, my actions? Admitting that it's not is perhaps the closest I'll come to acknowledging that there are things that can get the best of me.
Now into the juicy stuff, the personal part you're all here for. I have a long list of 'you's and a lifetime of thoughts to get down so saddle up.
First you. You've only been in my life for a short while so you probably don't deserve to go first but you're the one I want to address first. This isn't completely anyone's fault and in a way it is slightly everyone's fault; that does not exclude you. I appreciate the love you've shown me and the fact that you care but you are not all knowing and you have some major vices yourself. Sometimes it makes me sad that when I look at you it feels like staring into a mirror from the future. I don't want to be so judgmental. I don't want to thrive on the attention of those who I have power over. I don't really have to worry about that now but still. You are trying and I know that. And you care and I also know that. But you are not Clark Gable. You do not have all the details of my life and I know I opened the door and let you in but do not walk around my house as if it is you that lives here. I respect you infinitely and value your input and direction and advice but remember I am not obligated to take said advice. I love hearing what you have to say and as much as I hate to admit it, I love when you give me attention. I take pride in being the breakout sophomore. I equate success with being viewed as successful. A habit you help to fuel and you have to know this. But your draw backs, whether due to me or external aspects of your life, hurt twice as bad when you spend time building me up before pushing me off the building. You have been kind and good and tried your best and I have learned a lot and I am not trying to say you're not good enough but in a way I am, at least not good enough to save me. Just because the auditorium shouldn't have to be a safe space doesn't mean that I don't need it to be. But anyway, I am excited for you to continue thriving and enjoying the niche you've carved yourself. I look up to you immensely but you already knew that. Thanks for the lessons and the smiles and the laughter and the love, I'll miss that.
Now you. The little brother. I am so so sorry. Of all the people who have to experience this I am most apologetic towards you. I know you try so hard to do what's right. You possess one of the strongest moral compasses I've ever seen, please don't let me skew that. You played the cards in your hand to the best of your ability and that is all anyone could ask of you. I learned so much from you and I value those lessons to an extent you cannot fathom. Thank you so much. For the compassion and the kindness and the big bear hug and the prayers. It is not your fault, you could not have done anything differently. Please do not beat yourself up over this, you don't deserve it.
Next for you. You are laying not 10 feet away from me, unaware as I type these words. You are young and this is gonna suck for you and your anxiety and I'm sorry but I can't be the strong big sister anymore. I disagree so much with some of your decisions but I recognize that you are not even a teen yet and you have to be stupid before you can be smart. I don't see you often and I think I like it better this way. It's harder to notice our clashing differences when I'm never home. At some point you will have to make a decision about who you are and how your piece fits into the puzzle and that will be difficult but you can do it. You can.
To you. Oh I am so sorry. I am so so sorry. I cannot stay here sheerly for other people but if I were going to you'd be the top of the reasons why list. You are so strong. And you have to give yourself a break. You have to. Grief does not have a time limit, it's not poof suddenly better. Grief is love with no place to go. It tugs your heart and shakes up your insides and gives you a run for all that you're worth. Quality of healing triumphs quantity of time. You owe it to yourself to feel everything without guilt or fear that you're not doing it quickly enough. And it is not. Your. Fault. She wasn't and i am not and he isn't either. You are a good person with a golden sunshine soul. This cloudy day will pass I promise.
To you guys. You are good parents. You give me a long leash, you keep me in check, you're proud, you're supportive. You play the game well. There are indeed times where I wish you payed more attention or less. There are times I wish you'd ask more of me, or less. But balance is like that and you've done a good job of finding that balance. I didn't shave my head because I was unhappy so I didn't lie to you mom. But I did when I said I was okay, really. And I'm sorry but I couldn't pick the words out of my mental alphabet soup to tell you. It felt like my tongue was too big for my mouth and the words too heavy to do anything but push me to the ground. Dad you are such a good dad. I value our connection so much and even when I half roll my eyes at your hyper-excitement over some song or scene from a show I value those moments. Thank you. Thank you both.
To youuuuu. Surprise! Betcha didn't think I'd be the first of us two to break lol. Me either tbh but I guess surprises are fun. This isn't your fault either. I don't know if you'll care or even feel like it could be but it's not. As far as I'm concerned we are on good terms and what is in the past is in the past. I'm not angry at you. You deserve to find love and happiness and I hope you do.
God I'm such a stereotype. Major change in appearance lol check. A handful of half hearted calls for help check. Goodness I need to be more original :P
To you. I wrote a whole book filled with pages and pages of thoughts and stories and hopes and wonders and pride and personal growth. In a way I think I always knew it was just a longer suicide note. I'll probably write you a much more detailed entry but I wanted to mention you here and let you hear my words in the same way as everyone else.
To everyone. I am okay. I am going to be okay. I am passionate and calm and have thought my decision through and that is that. If I did not mention you it is because you know how we stand. However you feel, in your gut, that we are is how we are. You aren't less important because I didn't call you out, i just didn't feel the need to clarify with you guys.
There are more people I wish to speak to. To say one last message to. Maybe I will but not tonight, not in this version. Until then goodbye. I'll be okay.
-space boy
[a/n] hey! I'm not going to kill my self. I was feeling inspired, not suicidal. Don't call any one I'm good and I love the way I'm spending time and half these words aren't true anyway so there's that and I love you bye
