How is it possible
that you make me my happiest
most terrified
and calmest
but it is wrong?
How can I tell you this?
It doesn't even make sense to me.
something's off and has been off.
off. off. off.
I use that word all the time yet don't know what I mean.
It's so scary to type
Just as it was when i typed it to you first
defining it with multiple words makes it more real.
I don't want it to be real.
Something is coming
A change, a bad one
I don't want to do this if it makes her sad/mad/unhappy
I know deep down she doesn't approve and I am asking her to pick between her daughter and her morals
It's not fair to her
and saying this isn't fair to you
and the entire new years situation just isn't fair in general
I guess life isn't fair.
I never thought I'd be using that as an explanation but i know not what else to say.
I'm not sure if the problem is that she hasn't accepted it
or that I haven't.
I wasn't even sure when I told you that night.
I don't know why i would have ever started that conversation.
wow i am rambling this is so much nothing in an attempt at explaining the unexplainable
and as i sit here
listening to music and pretending to see my situation within it
watching the snow fall
I am forced to make a decision.
I rush in to things.
I don't want to rush out.
but it is my instinct.
something bad is on it's way.
I know it and I don't know if it's a self fulfilling prophecy.
Am I going to force this change?
Or is she going to be hit by a car on the way home?
For now I will wait.
No drastic decisions.
Think about the color of souls
Dino Chicken nuggets
take a breath.
and wait.
