Surprise. You were right. Yep. I just lied about chemo. For no reason. About my alcoholic father. For no reason. About abuse. Sexual, physical, mental. For no reason.
Congrats you cracked the code.
You deserve to think you're right, to think you're the victim, to think you're helping, more than I deserve love or support. I am nothing. I will never be anything.
It all makes sense now. Mercury for money. Spoon feeding lies to break any credibility I had. Can't have your punching bag acting up, thinking she might be worth somethin, I know.
I guess what they think doesn't really matter. The truth will make things more complicated. No one cares no one will believe me. He's right, he always is.
I could try, risk my life to try and set the record straight, to be honest. But no one would believe me. Do I really think that anyone wants to love me? That anyone thinks I'm worth loving? That anyone would believe one word out of my mouth?
I am nothing. I deserve nothing. I will always be nothing. No one cares about me. No one ever will. I'm lucky to have him. I'm lucky to even be alive.
But that taste of the other life, that sweet break from the pain and the anger and the "life" that I call my own. Is that all fake? A memory made up in my head?
How can something feel so real if it is truly as he tells it.
I will play his game. I will not be the inconveniently complicated one. I am a compulsive liar. My family is loving. I will beg for forgiveness. I will work my ass off for happiness. I will be resilient. I will continue living because I am not lucky enough to die. I do not deserve love, a life, not so much as to smile.
I will play pretend. I will work my way back. I will take what I can. I will speak my truth when he is dead. Til then no one will care to listen and I will get myself killed.
Hello my name is Jess, the compulsive liar. My family is perfect. I am perfect and lie for no reason. I was not sick. My hair did not fall out, I was not sleepy or ill, all made up. Not poison. My dad is a good person. Not a drunk. Not an abuser. He is the perfect husband and the perfect father. He has 4 kids and no punching bag. My mom is the perfect mom. My brothers are perfect. My sister is epileptically perfect. We are a family with no kinks or ruffles. Anything else is a lie. Surprise you were right.
//highkey ignore all of this just a writing exercise
