Separate, But Made as One (Ashton Irwin Fanfiction)

Depresssion

WARNING: This chapter contains many depressing thoughts and ideas. It contains implements of self harm. If you do not feel comfortable reading or have thoughts about suicide or self harm, I recomend you don't read. If you don't want to read, skip to the less explicit part which is marked CONTINUE. This is an honor of anyone who has ever self harmed or thinks about doing so Evryone is beautiful and I mean that to the bottom of my heart. This is in now ay meant to be insulting by any means, so please don't be offended. Nnever do harm yourself. I promise things will get better, and I now its hard to believe, but trust me. Stay strong :) Love you

Thank You.

Briana's POV

I got into my room amd slammed my door shut. I was glad to be alone. I've never reached this point in years. My depression is back....I thought about what the letter said and looked at my self in the body length mirror. I took off my shirt and my eyes fell immediately to my stomach and thighs. I'm not that fat am I? " Too fat..." I turned to the side to get a better look at my stomach. Maybe I was fat. I got closer to the mirror and took in all my flaws. My face is round and fat. I don't have perfect skin like other girls do. I don't have long blonde hair, I have frizzy, short hair. And I am not skinny like those models. " You're ugly....." They were right. How could Ashton love me? There are so many pretty girls out there. I smashed the mirror and dropped to the ground I watched as the glass broke into small pieces, and fell to the floor. I am just like the glass; fragile and easily gets broken. I heard footsteps in the hallway. Oh no....... Ashton must be home. He must've heard the mirror break. Ashton opened the door and I quickly rushed to put my clothes on. He looked up at me and he stood there motionless. His eyes turned towards the broken mirror and traveled back at me without any clothes on. He put the pieces together in his head and realized what I was doing.

" Briana-" he tried to say as he slowly stepped towards me. I couldn't take it. I ran straight out of the room and into the hallway bathroom and locked the door. I couldn't face him. He began banging on the door; he knew what I was doing. I promised myself I wouldn't ever cut again, but the hate just took over my mind. I took the blade out of the drawer and looked at it in my hand. "Should I really be doing this to myself", my heart said. I promised Ashton I would never cut again. He looked so proud of me when I told him I was 3 years clean. I don't want to disappoint him. But my mind thinks otherwise. My concious says, "Do it! Do it! Your worthless! You'll never be good enough" I'll never be good enough for Ashton. I just couldn't take it. I swiped the blade against my skin and began sobbing. I scraped the blade multiple times against my legs and arms. "You're worthless"I said out loud and I cut myself, "You're ugly." I brought the blade against my skagain,"You're fat", and again, "You'll NEVER be good enough!" and I dug the blade across my wrist one last time and dropped the blade. I sat there holding my knees against my chest.

I was in a lot of physical pain, but the mental pain is what hurt the most. The only way to stop pain is with pain, right? It's like a disease that takes over you're entire mind. You don't let anybody in and you keep everyone out, even your closest friends. You put on a fake smile for show. But on the inside, you're dying and nobody knows it. You may look happy, but that same girl is crying herself to sleep. You convince yourself that your everything society has made you out to be. You take it all in and store those thoughts in your head. Then once the same things are repeated, maybe, just maybe you start to believe they are right. You look at yourself and realize they are all right. You're nothing. You're just a shitty mistake. You cry about it and as time goes by, you're scared to even look at yourself in the mirror; scared to see yourself and you start to lose who you really are. Yet it's all in your head. And it's funny how just the simplest joke or comment can bring out your worst insecurity and eat you from the inside out. You don't want to hang with anyone. You just wanna be alone and cry. If you go out into the world, you are setting yourself up for people to judge you. I could hear Ashton through the door telling me to stop and telling me.... he loves me......