Bad Boy Kisses and Feelings Missin

Prologue

I stood there numbly, my eyes an endless pool of unshed tears as I watched the last of my family being lowered into the ground.

The large lump in my throat made it almost impossible to swallow; I felt like I was suffocating.

Why me? Why them? Why are you so cruel, God? They were good people, they never did anything to deserve this. And what about me? What have I ever done that was so horrible to deserve this pain, this emptiness?

I watched as they began to cover the coffins with dirt. The sobs seemed to echo all around me as reality began to hit that this was it. They were gone. I'd never get to hug them, kiss them or tell them how much I love them ever again. They'd never see me graduate high school, never wave me goodbye on my first day of college, never see me get married, never see their grandchildren. They're going to miss out on so many things in my life. I'm going to miss out on so many things in life. They'd never get to see that, and neither would I, I'd never have my family together for any holidays or birthdays ever again.

As the last of the dirt filled in the now full hole, the lump in my throat became more painful than ever. The tears slowly began to slide down my cheeks as I stared at the once empty graves, which now hold the most important people in my life. It felt like a movie watching as people began to approach me, their lips trembling at the sight of me. I looked a lot like my mother, but I had my dad's eyes. It must be a cruel reality looking at me now, knowing that I look so much like they do; what they used to. I felt nothing as they embraced me and squeezed my hand in what I assume was meant to be a comforting way. I just continued to stare ahead, barely blinking as the same line was repeated again and again.

"We're sorry for your loss."

The funeral finally ended and the last few people remained, they were my parent's closest friends. I had no other family; my parents were both an only child and both my grandparents had passed away years before I was born. No cousins, no aunts, no uncles. It was just Mum, Dad and I. Now it's just me.

"Are you sure you want to go back alone? We'd be happy to come around and keep you company hun, or you're more than welcome to stay with us as long as you need."

I turned to Linda and gave her a weak smile.

"Thanks Linda but I'll be ok, I just want to be alone right now." My throat was hoarse from trying not to break down in front of everyone.

"Anytime you need us, you just give us a ring and we will be right there." Concluded Wendy while grabbing her husband, Mike's hand.

I gave them a small nod and what I hope was a decent smile.

"Thank-you for being here, Mum and Dad would have loved it."

They all gave me a faint smile in return and I had to look away as I heard Linda begin to sob again.

After a faint good-bye I began to make my way out of the cemetery, trying to drown out the uncontrollable sobs as I walked away. Hot tears slid down my face as I stood at the bus stop. Despite their attempts I declined Linda's offer for a lift home, I didn't want to have to keep pretending for them anymore. Wendy was worried about me being left alone, but I was 18 in a few months and would be finished high school.

Several cars zoomed by as I waited. They were oblivious to what was going on, to how close I was to falling apart on the side of the road. They had no idea how broken and lost I felt inside. The world continued on for them, not a care in the world as they took for granted the day they had.

As the bus pulled up I handed the driver the money and ignored the blatant stare as I made my way down the practically empty bus. Once I was seated the bus began to move as I curled up into the corner of the seat, my head resting against the window as I watched the dark clouds circle in the sky.

Slowing down at the park near my apartment I exited the bus and ignored the laughter of the children as they played, enjoying the simplicity of their lives. As I entered the building the doorman gave me a sad, sympathetic smile as I made my way towards the elevator. I let out a quiet sigh as the doors shut, trapping me in the silence as I watched the numbers rise. Exiting the lift, I looked down the hallway, a feeling of dread and fear making its way inside my chest. Shakily I unlocked the door and swung it open, being greeted by silence.

My eyes scanned the once bright living area; Mum always liked having the blinds open to let the sunshine in. Now it was shut off from the world, covered in darkness. My gaze flittered over to the kitchen, the small black mark near the oven reminding me of the time we had nearly burnt the apartment down trying to bake cookies for dad.

A small meow breaks me out of my trance and as I look down at my cat and smile sadly.

"Please don't leave me too." I whispered while falling to my knees.

Slumping against the door, I held her close to my chest, burying my face against her soft fur. She was the last living memory of my parents, we rescued her from the pound only a few weeks ago. A strangled sob makes its way out of my throat as I hold her closer, my tears beginning to seep into her soft fur. Sob after sob wrecked through my body as I shakily tried to draw in breaths. I had reached my limit for today, I couldn't hold it together any longer and I let it all out. The pain, the fear and the agony of losing my family. This was it now, just me and her against the world. A painful cry left my lips as the harsh reality set in, my chest feeling tighter than before and my throat becoming painfully raw.

Sniffing I wiped my tears on the back of my sleeved dressed and let out a shaky sigh, feeling the emptiness wash over my body.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I will. I'll be fine on my own, I don't need anybody. They all leave eventually one way or another, even if they don't mean to or want to. Fate is cruel, and God is even more cruel for deciding such things.

So here I was, sitting on the cold floor of what was once my family home, but is now just a cold and lonely apartment. The seventeen-year-old girl who just became an orphan, who has lost her way in life. Staring up at the ceiling blankly I come to the conclusion that I've got to find a way to keep going, for them.

"I'll always love you Mum and dad. I'll make you proud." I whispered.

Exhaustion began to wash over me as I leant against the door, still nursing my kitten in my arms. The pain of losing my parents is heavy in my heart and I know it isn't going away any time soon. It was in that moment of faint consciousness that I promised myself to never let anyone see me this weak; to never let them close to me again.