Me Too

10

Sofia and I turned on a movie once she stopped having her equivalent of a panic attack. I overstate the negatives of silence. This is blissful. She is laying curled up against me, her arm resting over my stomach while she barely breathes on my skin. She has fallen asleep on my chest, and while I kiss her head, she relaxes. The silence is making things better. We've talked, we've thrown all our gauntlets down, and we need a moment of peace to work through this. We can work through this.

A week after I moved in with her, this was how we fell asleep. It was an accident at first. We turn on a movie and I fell asleep to her masaging heart beat. I needed her- to feel safe I needed her. We had never been closer, and I craved her touch then. From that moment on, I knew I needed her in my life.

Every night we were home together from then on, we would retire to our bedroom and some nights she would lay on me while I held her, others she would hold me. We didn't let go until both of us were peacefully asleep. Things are just so gentle when we're laying here in this luxurious bed. Nothing can bother us here in our room, in our bed. No matter how many demons come chasing.

In the middle of every night, I wake up. I've done it for months, it's a habit I got into when I was with Ryan, and I still suffer from it. I lean over Sofia to grab my phone off her night stand, I check the time, and it is always around two am. Once I let the blurry digits finally come to sense, I slide up the bed and I pull Sofia towards me. I need her to make myself fall back asleep. I need to feel safe.

She has never woken up, but there is always a stall in her raspy breaths after I've moved her head to my breast pillow. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and plant a few kisses to the roots of her hair while I slowly fall back asleep. She knows I do it, but she's never questioned it. It comforts me, knowing she is right there.

It isn't time for bed yet, but I begin to feel tired. My exhaustion was biting at my eyes and it was torturing me. I can't fall asleep. Sofia faintly snored as I watched the movie credits roll across the tv screen. I have great interest in seeing the names that others just fast forward through. Sofia's name is the second listed in Times New Roman white lettering across a black screen. She had no choice in the movie we watched. I wanted to see her beautiful art, and she was too tired to watch it anyway.

For the first twenty minutes of Adventures in Babysitting, she reaccounted memories of the process, and I listened with a glued smile. With every word, she made my dimples deeper. With the background noise, she told me about all of the things she remembered. There was a million running through her head, and she only told me a few of the best things. I know that film meant a lot to her for more than just work experience. She loves what she does, and I want her to feel that exuberance right now. Sofia is happy, and that's all I can ask for.

I rubbed Sofia's smooth shoulder, closing my own eyes. A memory plays before me and it forces myself to stay awake. I blink away the nightmare, and I look at Sofia's dormant smile. I don't know what she is dreaming about, but I have good reason to believe it is about someone she cares a lot about. Sabrina.

During the movie, she mentioned her a lot. Sabrina has crept into Sofia's dreams, enlightning her space in Sofia's heart and mind. It's fine, really; I love that Sofia had such good times with Sabrina, especially while filming because creating relationships with co workers is the best way to make a film come to life. The people you work with can make or break your experience. I like that Sofia can look back and smile at all of their memories as costars and as a couple; I want her to remember the best of her past. Life is miserable when you harbour negativity. I'm starting to feel happy about my own life experiences, as long as I don't go too far back in time.

Sabrina made Sofia happy when her life was falling apart, and I can't be mad about that. Had Sofia not been with her, I could have never met such a bright spirited, strong woman. Sabrina also hurt Sofia, and that made Sofia the woman she is. I have to appreciate Sabrina's influence in Sofia's life because she shaped the woman I love.