Me Too

40

At my photo shoot, besides the camera men and a woman named Saige, I had nobody to take my mind off Sofia. And I didn't want it off my mind. I do not want anyone to distract me from my thoughts.

I accidentally ran my mouth about my wonderful (nameless) girlfriend, and somehow I got a positive response from the people surrounding me.

The woman behind the camera twenty minutes into the shoot told me I was a lucky girl to have a girlfriend who would stay with me through the hectic mess of my career, the man replacing her at her lunch was more than happy to share his experience with his late wife whom he knew he would love until the day death do they part, and the third person taking my photo in my eighth wig and make up change was a kind enough person to just listen- he grimaced a bit, but was too engrossed in his work to argue.

Whether they care or not, it was nice to get all my passion out of my mind. Just like Cameron's video. Just getting things off your chest makes them so much more powerful and they make you feel better than you already do. Equally, it heals to get bad things out, it makes negativity less powerful when you let those ghostly tormenting thoughts come out of you.

I feel so released. And I am proud I was able to reaccount such positive things about the love of my life, two years ago I'd be begging Saige to keep me busy so I didn't have time to care about the bruises, eighteen months ago, I'd have pleaded for any amount of negativity to dull every thought that could possible crush me. Things get better. I picked a great woman who I can gush about and mean every word of it.

Only now, all of the photographers and Saige know that I'm gay. If they didn't already, they do now. I just kept talking, she is incredible. They even asked about her! They didn't care she was a woman, they were curious how long we've been together, they've asked how we met, they asked about everything, and I told them enough to blush and giggle through several hours of hair and make up prep and two hours of camera work. Who my partner is, I was focused enough not to reveal. But they definitely know more than Sofia would like. I don't want her to be angry with me, I shouldn't do this to her. I'm betraying her trust, she trusts me to protect us. To protect her.

"If you keep talking, Dove, this shoot is going to take another four hours. Come on, just work with me," the man for the fourth round of artists demanded. "Put your heart in your product, not in your girlfriend. I'm sure she's told you that enough times."

I scoff, my wig bangs swaying across my cheek. "You don't even know her."

"I know she's got a hell of a lot to deal with. God damn, woman, just sit still." My job isn't always pleasant, but I signed up for this. And I want to do this, but how am I supposed to focus when I feel so-

"Dove, you've got a call," Saige announced.

I hold out a cradle as she tosses me my phone. I swipe across the call before I even look. "This is Dove."

"Hey, about the other night-"

The emotionless, heartless, brainless voice drones in my ear. Frozen, I had to let my reaction claw its way out of me. "Ryan, I'm a little busy. Can I call you back?" I told up a finger to the room and I get up off the floor, taking my call out to the foyer.

"I need to talk to you."

I sigh. "Make it fast, I've got another hour here, and if you can't wait-"

"Dove, Sofia fucking told me."

I sway like a hollow tree, ready to snap. "What are you talking about?"

"She told me to stay away from you- I'm almost certain your girl's been drinking-"

"She hasn't," I assure. I brush my fingers through my short wig. I collapse against the counter, the corner searing a line across my back. "Look, Ryan, I don't know what she told you, but if it was anything about what happened a few weeks ago, then I don't blame her. I don't want to see you again. I thought I made that clear when I left y- when we broke up-" why am I protecting him? Why do I fucking care how hurt he can be? Ryan is invincible, why do I give two shits about what he feels? He didn't care about me. "But, I guess, between asking you over and thinking I needed closure from you, I get that I confused you.
"I'd rather tell you things to your face, where I can see them eat away at you. But I don't need that satisfaction any more. In fact, I don't need anything from you. It's been a year, Ryan. More than a year. Just leave me alone."