Me Too

7

Sofia's burning skin touched my arms as I applied my eyeliner in the master bathroom, a white tiled, spacious room that is now heavily fogged. Startled, I remained still, drawing a line- I'm too used to this. "Did they reply?" I ask, capping the pen.

She held onto me, lacing her fingers across my waist and standing behind me, resting her damp head on my shoulder. Her chest was pounding against my neck and mine began racing at the speed of light. "They will be willing to go out."

"Out?" I ask. "I thought you wanted to invite them over."

"Thomas doesn't want to intrude." Her brown eyes look to the ceiling as her lips part and purse.

I sigh. "I don't get what his deal is."

She sensed the tone in my voice. I'm still livid with him. He has no right to tell me what to feel or what to do. She brushed my hair back and whispered to the still air. "Did he say something to you?"

The only reason Thomas knows what Ryan did was because I was forced to tell him. I was very afraid of having sex or being intimately close to him, but Thomas and I agreed to it after a date one night a few months into our relationship. We're adults, things move faster, and three and a half months seemed like the perfect time to introduce that step. We drank a bottle of free champagne and for half a moment, I forgot about everything. I felt peaceful with him. I wasn't pressured, but it did take a lot of coaxing in the days leading up to it. He kept hinting to me what he wanted, for weeks and weeks he would try stimulating my mind, and after dismissing him a million times, I (finally) had sex with him by my own choice and with the help of alcohol.

I just wish I had pretended to enjoy it a bit more for him. He had set up an entire romantic, beautiful night. We had dinner, he really made that night special. He thought it was my first. We were in Paris, he knew that was my favourite place and thought it would help to be in the city of love. He put a lot more thought into it than Ryan did.

Truly, Thomas made the trip to France and that night so wonderful, I regret being so drunk the entire time, and the week leading up to it I should have been more in the moment for. I could not breathe for days until that Friday night, and I knew I wasn't ready when the mood turned, but I had promised him with a lulled mind. I couldn't be cruel to him after he had been nothing but amazing to prepare all of that for me. I had to get over the fear eventually, but it only caused more problems when I couldn't relax for him. It was more than a virgins fear, and he knew it.

So I told him.

He wondered why I wasn't as driven, he wondered why I was not "as into it as he was". I was afraid to tell him, but I was more scared of what would happen if I never did. Things wouldn't change if I stayed quiet. I only told him because I chose to let him close to me.

He didn't ask questions, but we didn't have sex again and he never looked at me the same way after that. He didn't want to hurt me, so he stopped treating me like a girlfriend; he behaved more like a protective body guard, never letting anything come near me. I recognised that he was beginning to pity me for what I've been through. I hated him for that.

I shake the idea away, gazing to the reflection of the love of my life. "No, but he obviously has something against everything we do. After what he said to you, and all."

Her lips were tugging at my neck, I hadn't noticed. She kept moving centimeter by centimeter until she was marking my jaw line. When she pulled away, she had left my make up untouched. Luckily. Had she been more rough, I'd have more to hide. Condsidering. "I get it though. He's probably confused about us. About you and all." She laughed. "Does he know he's the reason you're bi?" She knows I came out before Thomas and I started dating. He has nothing to do with that- a person can't make you switch like that. I knew I was bisexual from the time I was a teenager, I just liked boys a bit more then than I do now- also not anyone in particular's fault. I'm not like this because I'm afraid of men, I'm like this because I feel a flare up in my heart whenever I see Sofia smile.