Me Too

34

Home life changed. A lot. Sofia was getting busier with work, I was picking up events. Things were quiet at our house, neither of us were ever home. We stopped having time together. Any time we did have was spent at Cameron's and we were saving our plans for later in the process. I think it's for the best, we needed some space after everything we've gone through.

I definitely appreciate the time to clear my head.

Day after day, Cameron, his cast, Sofia, and I worked on creating thr background clips to play on the white screen to go along with the interviews. They are designed to show the words some of us can't say. Videos can say a million words. That is the power of filmography.

Digitally added, these little strips of film show the tale behind what the actor said. Their story unravelling behind them as a shoulder angel, lingering. We got film of Blake having his pants unzipped by a kneeling adult girl; a boy named Paul had to be insinuated as an ex boyfriend of Zaya's as he pushed her to abuse her hormones and other medications; Bridget being molested as an eight year old by a man she once called family.

It was all so evil.

We spent several hours creating the background scenes that never really end. Nobody sees the aftermath of the scene, nobody sees the destruction immediately after. That isn't what we want to show. Our struggle isn't what we want made public.

The result of the clips are the survivors standing in front of the camera, and their strength they've developed. We aren't ignoring that these events changed us- that is the fact we are selling- but we hid the personal journey. Some things need to be kept private.

I had to film one for my interview too. It took over an hour. Put simply, I was not a fan of having Zaya strattle me on Cameron's bed with a camera shooting from the cracked doorway, but we got it done.

God, this filming process was disturbing! Day after day someone was filming a scene about child abuse, a rape, a drinking or drug abuse; we only had a few hours a day to work, and so we had to keep reconvening to get it all done. It took a week and a half! It was the worst ten days of my life to even be in Cameron's yard watching this horor movie being recorded.

I was sickened by all of it, I felt a negative demon weighing me down every single time I passed through the back gate. I hated coming to this set, but I care about Cameron enough to get over it.

I want this project to change minds, but I don't understand why the work going into it has to be so hellish. I want this to radiate a message of love, not fear or hate. Seeing these clips with nothing else, I'm debating how impacting it will be. Scarring is the word I have been using.

Just filming my scene put me into a panic attack. I couldn't take Zaya's presence like that, it was too real, too soon. How am I ever going to change anyone's mind about rape if I can't even get over my own? Everyone else around here is doing just fine, it's just hard for me, and I don't get why. How can everyone else be so okay with it?

They work, then they go home, and they come back with plastered smiles. How?

After just thinking of how my clip would play out made me stay home for an entire day, confined to my bed- not even Sofia could get me out of my blankets.

This was supposed to help me! It only makes me feel worse. Everyone else can handle their work. They're just fine. But, it is killing me!

Cameron promises the end result of these clips will be worth the heart aching work, because this is the hard part to get through. It is a necessary evil, he says. He tells me everyone is shaken up, but nobody seems to be. I don't believe him. He says they all know it is business, and this is part of their job.