Me Too

24

In the hallway, I cry. For hours. That's how I spend my entire afternoon. Sobbing because I'm miserable, weeping because I am scared, bleeding from my eyes to express everything wrong with my life. I'm a mess.

Sofia is thinking. She's putting everything into perspective, she's taking everything back. Sofia won't be back, I've really lost her and it is all completely my fault. I messed up. I finally gave her a reason good enough to run. Who would come back after that?

I convulse as my lungs drown. I could suffocate, curl up and die, but then what good would that do? That would just mean Ryan won.

Would Sofia care? Would she be upset if I wasn't here when she returned?

If she returns home.

I take a full breath, feeling the cold air pass through my body like a surge, clearing the angst, draining the pain. I don't know how long I've been on the floor, but it has been long enough. I've pitied myself for long enough, I've wallowed in anger and hurt for far too long. It's been months. I need to be over this! Crying won't change it, I just have to force myself to move on. I've even dropped tears at happy memories because they're being corrupted by the demonic torturous imagines in my mind. It's been long enough, this is times up.

The strength it took to get off the ground cannot be described. I wanted to just fall back down and faint on the hardwood. I wanted to collapse. But I rose to a hunched over stature. Some days, this is all you can ask for, and that is fine. Humans aren't designed to carry this much trauma. I drag one numb leg in front of the other- the weight is unbearable. The distance from Sofia's doorway to my room was too far, so I slumped back to her bed and dropped on the sheets. It was right there, and I hoped it would comfort me. It caught me, crinkling where I draped myself.

The bedding didn't help ease my mind. It made it worse.

How did this feel familiar? It was nothing like how I felt when Ryan would leave me after we fought, it was nowhere near as painful to lounge in bed while he was out with "friends", I never hurt this much even when he's abandon me after "visiting". The plastic bedding, the protection under the sheets, was the only similar thing- only now, I knew it was there, it couldn't be ignored. It was tormenting. Hissing and calling demons to my side, it was making things worse.

A bomb inside my body threw me back to my feet and I used the after shock to throw the entire thick matress off the dark wood frame, knocking over Sofia's pale blue nightstand, tackling the alarm clock and phone charger. There was nothing left inside of me to even feel remorseful.

I fall. My legs buckle under me and I hit the ground. I slam my head on the white carpet, I feel the hairs stun me. There was no hope of me getting up now. Blackness is all I saw when I closed my eyes, whimpering. I felt everything, but nothing at the same time. I didn't faint, though I wish I had, I didn't hit my head hard enough for that- only an aggravating migraine that persisted even after my sleep deprived brain shut down for forced rest. I didn't get a choice if I fell asleep. My body needed to heal itself.

I need to let myself heal.

"I don't know what happened. Just a week ago, things were perfect. Things don't change overnight," a ghost petted my head, caressing my ear, demanding I listen. This wasn't the haunting voice I hear in my dreams, it was raspy and broken and loving, and the hand laid upon me had no intention of hurting me. This is how love radiates. Warmth and fear and passion and guilt all roll into one beautiful nightmare. But it is real. "You've never been so upset before. I don't know whether to stay or leave, Chloe. I just don't know. How did this happen? Things have never been this bad for us, and I can't give up unless I know for certain this is the worst of the worst. I promise I love you, but I can't see you hurting like this- seeing you upset kills me, Chloe, you don't know that."