Me Too

21

Sofia wrapped her arms around my body, kissing every centimeter of the side of my head softly. Once I had laid down, she curled up next to me; she wouldn't let go- and I didn't want her to. She moaned as she settled in, her eyes fluttered closed, but she whispered to me. "I'm sorry. Close your eyes, you're going to feel better."

"I'm fine, Sofia," I mumble, stroking her soft arm. "My head just started spinning. I've felt fine all day until we got in the cab. I'm so sorry to ruin our date." I roll my eyes at myself, I'm disgusted that I can manipulate my well being with just a reminiscent of Ryan. Every ounce of consciousness was being stolen from me with every new thought. He bit my neck, prodding himself inside me trying to find what would please him. "It was probably just my anxiety. It trips sometimes for no reason, and I just have to breathe for a second. That's all."

Her drumming, rising chest under me filled her silence as her thoughts pounded inside her head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Yes. "I don't want to trigger it again, you know? Maybe when I am a bit more relaxed, we can. It was really nothing. It was mostly the car. I got claustrophobic."

She tangled her tiny leg between mine and laid on top of my right side. She nodded, humming softly in my ear. Her soft pink silk night pants slid along the bare skin of my slightly parted legs; my shorts only covered to my upper thigh. Anyone could sexualize my tank top and shorts; I have no bra on, my hair is a mess- I might as well have just as sex, I look exactly like the whore I was for Ryan. "Can you try to sleep, maybe you'll feel better tomorrow morning?"

I feel so blessed to have a patient woman. But that isn't how this works. I can't fall asleep, I'll panic. I know tonight my dreams will be flashbacks, not nightmares. To others, it would seem ludicrous to ask for a terrible vision, but to me, it is the lesser of two evils. I have to pick and choose the horror. I would take a rerun of all four years of high school over the humiliation and pain Ryan caused me.

I kiss the skin of her collar bone under my burning cheek. I don't know why she shuttered or got goose bumps, but her chalky voice whispered to me as her fingers traced my lower back, "I love you, Chloe."

I settle into her as she rubs my back, she rests her head on mine and her heart rather slows down as her warm breath becomes more solid, more rhythmic. She was nearly asleep, I could tell.

Sofia doesn't snore, but she ends up breathing through her mouth when she finally falls asleep. She clicks her tongue and I can hear her breathing, but it doesn't bother me when I lay awake at night- it's soothing.

Ryan, however, did keep me awake. All night, every night- it was horrible. I only ever got a break when I went out of town. I was sleepless for almost three years after we moved in together.

I think what Sofia does is cute, and I've told her that. She's never brought up my flaw. I am just glad she is a deep sleeper, that or she ignores me. Maybe she just loves me enough not to notice. Ryan teased me for months when he finally realised that I do, and I could've sworn that was the beginning of my insomnia. He made me self conscious and I couldn't fall asleep with him.

Sofia has fixed so many problems without even knowing. She is a healer without trying; she's saving me without a clue that I need it.

I fall asleep to the feeling of her massaging heartbeat.

I don't dream. I saw blackness, abstract shapes were beginning to form. It was peaceful. For the first time in a long time, I did not fear what might come up.

But then I felt like the earth was falling out from under me. I'd hit the ground any second.

I gasped, opening my eyes, grasping what was around me, my body numb. Until my world became real, I couldn't breathe. I clenched the warm bedding behind my shoulder. Sofia was not there. I shot up, sitting up with my legs curled under me. "Sofia?" I called out. I got out of bed to search the room. "Sofia!"