Me Too

42

I called Cameron at eleven o'clock that night. Sofia issn't home and I can't stop pacing the house. Every creak in hall makes me excited that she is coming home, every time the strong wind starts blowing and rattling the hanging pot on the patio, I'm worried Ryan is coming to beat the shit out of me for what I said to him.

"Hey, Dove, I'm going to have to call you back."

"Hey. I was just calling to-"

"Dove, now is a really bad time."

I bite my tongue, nodding to myself as I curl up on the love seat. "Right. Okay. Call me when you get a chance."

"See ya!" He jabbed the end call button.

What am I going to do? I'm a mess.

I can't stop meshing my thoughts into one. I started thinking about Sofia, what she could be doing for me, what we did, then it turned to what Ryan did and how Ryan used to treat me before I found Thomas, and Thomas reminded me of Ryan. Then the wind would howl.

I've been crying for more than an hour. I hold the blanket to my mouth, if I make any sound Ryan is bound to find me. He knows I'm alone. He knows he could hurt me if he got the chance. I'm giving him that chance. I'm making myself a target. I'm weak.

I've been alone before, Sofia is out of town a lot, but this just feels so much worse. Abandonment. Why is she angry with me? I don't know how many more times we can fight before she's really going to give up. "Fight to hell and back to hold on", but what if hell is too much and she just quits. I don't know what I would do. She would leave me to burn forever and she'd go find someone like Sabrina to take care of her. I can't possibly think over my sobs, yet somehow I can hear every single letter drone on in my head. They flick by one by one, but each lingers for enternities. I'll burn in hell, and Sofia will escape.

My dependency on her is pathetic and unhealthy, but she is the one for me. I know she is.

I thought after I got with Ryan that I'd never love anyone again. I'd never let anyone close to me because he was the one I loved. I told myself I was too afraid to lose him. But in reality, I was more afraid to be alone. It's reality, I'm afraid of being alone. When I left Ryan, I was more scared than ever to be with someone, but I couldn't live on my own. I'd rather be hurt than be by myself. Thomas caught me in time and I allowed him in so easily, he was protecting me from myself. But as things got more and more routine between how we spoke to each other, how we kissed, it was all more like Ryan. Every day, real fear started to strangle me because he was just like Ryan. I was over Thomas four months into our relationship because I was petrified of him. I was scared of letting myself be close to someone, he was going to hurt me just like Ryan did. I had sex with him, yes, I was comfortable with him in the beginning, but it took two more months for me to develop a sense of paranoia around him. His presence was just like Ryan's, all of the time.

I don't know how I talked myself into asking Sofia out. I didn't want to be close to anyone. Nobody was safe. Male or female. But I trusted Sofia in a way I never trusted Ryan or Thomas. She wasn't like them.

When I broke off from Thomas, I didn't want to go back to Sofia for our second date. I didn't want to allow myself to fall in love again even though my heart already chose for me. I can't be alone. She would take care of me and love me- she would never hurt me.

This has been so hard for me because I can't keep letting my heart decide. How confusing can my life be? Add drama here, sprinkle some anxiety there, add a weight of chronic fear and magically I've been created. I'm only twenty two, God damn it! I'm just a confused human being! My life is inevitably fucked!

Every relationship I ever have will be like Ryan, will be like Thomas, will be like Sofia. Every single one. Because these people have shaped me to be who I am. I'm going to continue to be like this until I take charge of my own life and I change things for myself.