All That We Are

If You Must Weep

Simon

Why am I crying? I don't know why I'm crying.

I close the door behind me, leaning my full weight into it. As I slide to the ground, the tears are already slipping down my cheeks. Clinging to my jaw for a few seconds before falling forlornly onto my sweatshirt. I don't wipe them away, just let them fall. Let them dampen the warm fabric that still smells like Baz. Like something warm and alive and more beautiful than anything in the world.

Why the hell am I crying?

Maybe because I have a horrible feeling about Baz going out after Fiona alone. Maybe because I can't fucking help him without my magic. Maybe because I'm completely useless.

The sweatshirt isn't helping. Baz wadded it up last night and used it like a second pillow, and every breath in is like a silent reminder that he's traipsing into danger right now. Without me.

I angrily tug off the stupid piece of fabric, tossing it across the room. My torso looks too pale in the semidarkness of my room, except for a hickey just below my collarbone I hadn't realised was there. Damn. I think I'm out of that concealer stuff Baz bought (I'm borrowing it from him, I did not steal it). Guess I'll just have to be careful what I wear around Agatha so she doesn't see (Penny's used to it by now).

Aleister Crowley, I'm a fucking mess.

With a groan, I drop my head into my arms, squeezing my eyes shut. My mind whirls sickeningly, thoughts of Baz and Fiona and vampires and premonitions hissing and jeering at me like static on a television.

There's nothing you can do, I try to tell myself, It'll all be okay. I don't believe a word of it. There are some lies so blatantly false that even the best liars can't force any life into them. I guess this is one of those lies.

The tears are too hot on my cheeks in the cold of my room, but I still don't wipe them away. Every ounce of willpower I have is currently being concentrated on not stealing Penny's car and driving after my idiotic boyfriend. Though maybe that makes me the idiotic boyfriend.

Just wait it out, My head tries desperately to rationalise, He'll call if he needs you. He'll be fine.

Another blatant lie.

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Author's note:

Hey guys! Sorry for the gap between updates (and the short chapter). I've been really sick lately, and so haven't been able to write. With Thanksgiving break on the way, however, I can assure you there are many more updates to come! Enjoy :) !

- Lefty