All That We Are

If You Must Coruscate

Simon

The last image of my parents hangs in the air a moment before fading away in a shimmering curtain.

I feel as if I've been shot. All of the air rushes from my lungs, leaving me gasping for breath. My mouth hangs open in disbelief. All of the mirth has left the room completely, leaving only dead, empty silence in its wake.

I killed my parents.

I am paralysed.

I killed my parents.

Baz and Penny stare at me like I'm a bomb about to go off. Maybe I am.

"Simon--" Penny starts, reaching for me.

I choose that moment to go a bit postal.

My stomach lurches, and I bolt up from my seat, rushing in the direction of the bathroom. I make it just in time to be violently sick in the toilet. Heaving until there's nothing left but bile that stings my chapped lips and burns my throat like whiskey. Once I've finished I wipe my mouth, breathing hard, and reach behind me to shut and latch the door.

I killed my parents.

I splash cold water over my face (which does jack shit), and wash out my mouth. Trying to clear any remnant of the bitter taste. Over the rush of the tap, I hear a soft knock on the door.

"Simon?" It's Baz, this time, sounding scared and worried. Probably for good reason.

Crowley, I have to get out of this bathroom. The walls are closing in on me, pushing closer and closer. All the while murmuring, "murderer... murderer..."

Baz's footsteps recede, and I hear him whispering to Penny. This is my chance. Hastily, I undo the lock, kicking the door open and bolting for the door that'll take me out of the flat.

I killed my parents.

The next thing I know, I'm on the roof, sitting in the small covered viewpoint. I'm not sure how I got here, but the air shimmers with golden magic.

Usually, this place calms me down. Baz and I discovered it; nobody in the building knows about it but us and Penny. I like it up here. It's quiet. Away from all the people and the noise of London.

All of my energy is gone, leaving me broken and deflated. A popped balloon. There are tears on my cheeks, but I don't remember starting to cry. My entire body shakes, despite the abnormally warm night.

I killed my parents.

I curl my knees up to my chest, wiping my eyes on my jeans. Then my head feels too heavy to lift, so I just stay like this, my eyes pressing into my knees. Letting myself feel the pain of it-- pain I deserve. Letting myself cry.

I don't know how long I stay like this. It feels like eternity.

After a long while, I hear someone climb up next to me. I recognise Baz's familiar bergamot and cedar smell, but I don't lift my head or acknowledge him in any way. I haven't got the strength.

Baz walks around me, and for a moment I think he's going to ignore me, too, and just walk right past me. Instead, he sits down once he's gotten to my other side, his arm brushing against mine. I realise that he walked round to this side so that his arm that isn't in a cast is facing me. Typical, considerate Baz. My gentleman.

He doesn't say anything, doesn't make a move to hold me or touch me in any way (I don't think I want him to-- it's not like I have any right to be comforted).

"I killed my parents, Baz..." I whisper into my knees, breaking the silence. Baz doesn't say anything, so I just keep on taking. "My whole life, I've tried to save people, to help people, and really... I killed my own parents."