Kalopsia // Fillie

Chapter t w e n t y

♥twenty♥ 

ღeverything's going to be okayღ

—two weeks later—

"We're here! Home sweet home," Jolene (that's what she asked me to call her) says as we walk through the threshold of the tiny lavender house.

I breathe in deeply, making my stomach tie itself in knots even a boy-scout couldn't untie. Pine Trees and vanilla. The house smells like pine trees and vanilla; the house smells like Finn. 

"It's...beautiful," I remark, shifting my small box of belongings into a more comfortable position. 

And indeed, it is. The walls are painted a heather-grey and dappled with sunshine from the huge windows. The family room contains a small tv, a pink gingham couch, spiral carpet and a gigantic bookshelf. I wonder if there's anything I'd like in there. Setting my box down on the couch, I wander around until I find myself in the kitchen. It smells faintly of baked goods and stale coffee. The white fridge has drawings and pictures on it held in place by an array of magnets. Taking a step closer, my heart skips a beat. There's one of baby Finn, doused in freckles and smiling toothless-ly. Then another of Jo and Finn, with Finn holding a first-place ribbon and a painting of an orchard. Lastly, there's one of Finn, this one being the most recent. The picture looks like it was taken mid-laugh, because it's a little blurry. Finn's holding an electric guitar and appears to be strumming it. Reaching out slowly, I touch the photograph with the very tip of my finger. The familiar sense of panic blooms in my chest. Please don't fall apart Millie, please, don't. 

"Hey, Mills," Jo calls from the hall. I told her she could use the nickname Finn gave me.

I know it's foolish, but sometimes when she says it...it sounds like him. 
"Just cleared out the last of the junk from your room, you can get situated now if you like."

I nod as Jolene walks into the room and starts a fresh pot of coffee. 
"I'll make myself at home," I reply while giving her a weak smile. 

"I know it must be overwhelming...I loved him too, but we'll get through this, okay?" She flickers. I know that sounds weird, it's just that one second she's, well, her, then she's sad, then she's back. 
"We'll be okay."

I walk out briskly and grab my stuff from the couch, heading down the hall. Four doors line the stretch of grey wall. Checking door number one, I discover it's a bathroom. That's handy. Door two seems to be Jo's room. Door three is cracked open slightly, so I peer my head inside. The smell of pine trees and vanilla is stronger in here, so it's obvious it's....it was his room. Placing my box down to my left, I push the door open gingerly. The square room is cluttered and homey, I love it. A king bed too big for the space it occupies is fitted with night-sky themed sheets. They match him so well my heart bursts. A desk under a circular window is cluttered with papers and pencils. I think they're his drawings, but I'm already intruding his room, I don't want to invade anything more. I'm exiting his room when something catches my eye. I'd recognize that book anywhere. Stepping over piles of clothing and sketchbooks, I grasp the book tightly and smile softly. All The Bright Places. The book I fawned to him about, he owned a copy too. Sliding down against his bed, I sit on the ground and draw my knees toward me. Dust fills in the air, my actions having disrupted their resting place. The way his window is positioned lets light filter in in such a manner it's soft and glowy, like bokeh lights. I flip through the pages slowly, deciding to let the familiar words wash over me for a bit.
••
I've just finished unpacking my minuscule amount of belongings when Jo knocks on my door and looks inside.

"Hey Mills, how does pizza sound?"

"Alright I guess, as long as you order a salad on the side," I tease half-heartedly. 

"Deal."

Jo winks before exiting. I have no idea what to do now. This is the first time in what feels like forever since I've been without someone my age. At least after Finn I had Sadie. I feel homesick and I want to go back in time to when he was alright and we were stuck in each other's arms. If Finn were here, what would we be doing? Surely not sitting in a close-to-empty room bored out of our minds. Suddenly a light bulb goes off and I stand up. My room has a sliding glass door, and beyond the porch, I can just barely see the meadow filled with trees that he loved so much. 

"Jo?" I ask loudly. 

"Ya kiddo?" She replies a second later. 

"I'm going outside!" 

I'm already pulling on my denim jacket and scarf as she gives me a muffled consent. I make my way to the door, a new determination set in my mind. My plan is delayed when I attempt to open the door, only to find it's stuck. I give it a few good tugs, finally able to shimmy it lose. Stepping across the threshold is electrifying in a sense. It's like...It's like being set free. I dash outside once I notice the sky is darkening fast. It's a bit of a walk, I pass a shed and a few bushes along the way, but I'm there in seven minutes tops.The entrance to the meadow is an archway whittled out of the hedge surrounding it. Tiny wildflowers bloom and prosper among the vines, feeding the tiny hummingbirds that linger. I run my hand along the foliage as I cross the threshold and step inside. My nose is automatically filled with the aroma of nature. Dirt, warmth, and flowers. It calms me down. I wander the grounds, not trying to find anywhere in particular when I find myself in the center of a ring of maple and willow trees. Taking a deep breath, I descend to the ground, shifting around to make myself comfortable. Crossing my legs, I lean back until all I can see is the orange-streaked cobalt sky. I can understand why Finn loved this place, it's stunning. Birds whistle to each-other from the remaining leaves as a timid breeze plays with my hair. The air is cooling and settling numbly on my skin. Bunnies scurry around in the undergrowth, pink noses twitching rapidly. It's breathtaking, this place, I just wish he was here with me, so we could enjoy this, together.

•••

Jo is on her fourth slice of mushroom pizza while I, on the other hand, am finishing off my salad. Caesar has always been my favorite, so thank God she got it. Jo wipes her hands on a napkin, then dabs her mouth daintily.

"If you want to go to bed, I'll clean up. It's cool."

Forcing myself to swallow my lettuce before I talk, I smile sheepishly.

"Really?"

"Yup, it's only your first day here. I don't mind."

Standing up, I open the pantry and toss my plate in the trash can. When I turn around, I see that Jo is staring at me intently.

"You and Finn were more than friends, weren't you?

Were we? All I know is that every-time he smiled, everything felt okay, everything felt good.

"If I'm honest, I don't think there's a word to describe what Finn and I were. I loved him....a lot. But our relationship was like an hourglass. We only had so many hours until our time together ran out.."

By now I'm crying, silent tears slipping down my face. When I was younger I hated being vulnerable, now that's all I am these days. With quick steps, she crosses the kitchen and wraps me in her warm arms. Her curly black hair tickles my chin, making me cry even more.

"It's not fair," I sob between hiccuped breaths.

Jo rubs my back, and I notice she's crying too.

"I know sweetie, I know."

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can you believe there's only one more chapter to go???

~K