Kalopsia // Fillie

Chapter e i g h t e e n

♡eighteen♡

ღtime to face the truthღ

I don't want to open my eyes. If I open my eyes, everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours will be real, and I'm not ready for that.

"Millie, Millie are you okay? You need to wake up sweetie." 

I recognize that voice. It's Dr. Ryder.

"Please Millie, c'mon, please," Nurse Tessa pleads.

My whole world is trembling (or maybe that's just me), but somehow I manage to open my eyes and slowly sit up. Nurse Tessa grasps my hand tightly and rubs my shoulder.

"He's gone," I say.

I say it because it's true and there's no reason to avoid it. He's gone. Dr. Ryder and Tessa, both glassy-eyed, nod solemnly. 

"Y..yes dear, he..he is," Dr. Ryder stammers.

Squeezing my eyelids shut, I gulp and take a deep breath. I hear some rustling from my left and blink. A heavy box is placed onto my lap. Its contents appear used, but loved. I wait for one of them to explain, but I already know what it is. 

"These are all of Finn's belongings that he had here. Since you two were so close, we thought you might've liked to keep some stuff." 

Then Tessa leans over and whispers: "we're not usually allowed to do this, but you look like you could use it." 

Smiling weakly at her, I sit up and adjust the collar of my black sweatshirt. I feel surprisingly warm despite the fact the room is freezing. It's like...it's like he's still here with me. Inside the cardboard box it's a beautiful mess of objects. I see a leather notebook sitting on the top, so I pull it out and set it aside. I also grab his beloved copy of The Fault In Our Stars, his sketchbook, and his iPod.

"I..think that's all I'll have...can I be alone?"
They both murmur a soft 'yes' and shuffle to the door. Nurse Tessa lingers at the wooden doorway for a moment, then looks over her shoulder and offers me a sad grin.

"I'll always be here for you, you know that, right?" 
She doesn't wait for a response, and I don't have one. Now I'm alone. Alone with worldly possessions that will no longer do Finnie any good. I catch a tear rolling down my cheek before it has the opportunity to do any real damage. What should I look at first? My heart says the notebook, so that's where my hands go. The smooth cover is scratched and frayed, but lovely all the same. On the inside it reads: Journal of Finn Wolfhard.

July 9th

Hey. Wait no, was that right? Do you start off journal entries with 'hey'? Oh well, I'll start over. Dear Journal (better!), Joe decided I should have a notebook to write down my thoughts and the innermost dwellings of my mind, or as Joe calls it, the stuck-up fancy way of saying 'thoughts'. I myself think this is a cool idea. I don't exactly have anyone to actually talk to at the moment. The whole hospital room is mine and mine alone. I wish I had a roommate, but then again, maybe I don't. This is a hospital after all. 
-Finn

My lungs start screaming at me, and I realize I've been holding my breath. Calm down Millie, it's...it's okay. It'll be okay.

July 12th
Dear Journal, today was boring. Yesterday was boring. And I'm pretty sure tomorrow will be boring too. I wish my mom would come visit me......maybe I'll read today, or draw some. I don't know yet, but it doesn't matter, there's infinite things to be done in my life!!!! (Did you get the sarcasm? Yes? No? Alright.)
-Finn

July 27th
Dear Journal, I found out today that Joe is quitting. He's been my best friend here and now I'm gonna lose him....I probably won't be writing in here much longer, which is pretty sad cuz I'm not one to quit...how pathetic...
-Finn

I close the notebook partially and rub my eyes. Reading this, I can see him fading...but something changed him. I fan through a few pages and see there are three entries left.

August 6th
Dear Journal, well, my wish was granted. I know I should be ecstatic, I now have a roommate who also happens to be a really pretty girl, but she's broken. Literally. Her legs are basically shattered from the waist down. I overheard the paramedics that were stabilizing her that her dad did this. What a jerk.. The only thing I know about her is that her name is Millie, but I can tell she doesn't deserve to be here.
-Finn

My reading is halted when the door swings upon; the suddenness makes me jump.
"Sorry to startle you Millie, I brought lunch," Nurse Tessa says.
Wasn't it just morning? Apparently it's now two o'five.
"Uhm, you can just set it down, thanks."
My voice is placid and emotionless, even though all my emotions are on the verge of breaking through my facade. While Nurse Tessa leaves my food on the tray, I return to the scrawled pages.

August 14th
Dear Journal, Oh. My. God. It's quite possible I'm in love. Millie....she's perfect. I know she'll kill me, but I've read her story once. It's incredible, she has such a wondrous way with words...and man is she beautiful. She starts laughing and I never want her to stop. I hate that I've been lying to her....I'll have to tell her eventually.
-Finn

Wait, what did he lie to me about? He never mentioned anything of the sorts. Flipping the page vigorously, my heart stops at the date. August 24th. The day he went to the ER. His handwriting is rushed and sloppy, but it's recent. It's there.

August 24th
Dear Millie, if...if you're reading this letter, that means I'm no longer with you. The first thing I have to get off my chest is I lied, but if you're seeing this you already know that. Mills....I didn't have two years left to live....when I first checked in to the hospital a month before you, I was giventill October. Two months. If I'm gone, I only had one to spend with you. That single month was the best of my life. Thank you for loving me Millie, at least, I assume you did. I've loved you since I first laid eyes on you, and I know it sounds cliché, but it's true. Oh wow...it's getting harder to breathe...okay, I need to write quicker. I hope you get out of the hospital soon and live. I hope you never forget me and out short infinity together. Thank you for making me me again. I have to go now, but if it's possible I'll watch over you from wherever I go.
Love always,
Finn.

I close the notebook. It's loud and rings throughout the room. The room was never quiet when Finn was here. My hands are shaking so hard, God. Setting his notebook down in my box of belongings, I pull the sketchbook to my lap and draw my legs to my chest. The drawings start out sharp-lined and heavily shaded. They're of trees and constellations and animals. About halfway to the end of the sketchbook, I see doodles of me. My side profile, my smile, my eyes. He made them gorgeous and unflawed. Then, there it is. I almost forgot that he was working on it.

"I was wondering if you would be the focus of my latest portrait."
My heart stops momentarily, and a huge grin spreads on my lips.
"Really?" I squeak, unable to contain my excitement.
"Yep."
"Wait, but I look like a mess."
"Well, to me you look like art, but if you'd prefer I can fix up your hair in the drawing."
"Oh gee, thanks Finnie!" I tease while seating the teal bowl in my hands on my nightstand.
"I meant it in the nicest way possible."
I nod and force away a smile.
"Okay fine, I'll be your muse," I giggle.

It's breathtaking. It's me...holding Paris in the palm of my hands. It's the Eiffel Tower and the skyline and Roue de Paris all together. I'm surrounded with the night sky and twinkling stars that vaguely remind me of Finn's freckles. I wish I could've thanked him for this, for everything...but it's a little too late for that now.

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~K