paper crown (been rewritten better under the name "Wonderwall - mclennon")

chapter 10

A note to anyone wondering: Paul is defiantly not over his eating disorder. This is really some sort of binge he's having and the consequences of him doing this will soon be revealed.

_____________________________________________

*Flashback*

"Right then, that'd be two pounds."

The cashier read off the till. A smirk plastered on his face as he was obviously enjoying my discomfort. I rummaged through my pocket and pulled out a two pound coin. Practically throwing it on the counter as I grabbed my stuff and receipt and ran out the shop with the lube and receipt in one pocket and the magazine stuffed under my jumper.

I kept it there till I got home. Mimi was out at bingo or whatever she did in the day because I had flunked school to do this. If anyone I knew would have seen me do this I could kiss goodbye my bad boy image.

Once I was safely locked in my room I flicked the lights on at the wall and climbed onto my bed before I finally pulled out the lube from my pocket and chucked it on the bed. I then took pulled my jumper over my head and discarded it on the floor. revealing the magazine.
I took a few seconds to really look at the cover. I had purchased the thing in such an embarrassed hurry I didn't really look at the cover in detail. I just looked for the title.
It wasn't the first time I got a porn magazine. I had bought quite a lot. Only today was different. It wasn't a guys porn magazine. Well not quite.

The magazine was marketed as a women's magazine. But that was more of a cover-up. In Liverpool it was very well known that Johnson's was very much a gay magazine.
Not that I was gay myself. I had Cynthia and I was very much happy with her. I loved women. Their thighs, their waist, their everything. So Yeah, I defiantly wasn't gay.

I was curious? Not gay! I was not at all gay! Just... I was just curious.
Stu had been talking about it an awful lot. His mate had come out to him and we were both very confused to how being queer actually worked.
There was apparently a lot of gay men I our art collage, and women. Some sort of like open secret. Everyone knew it now. There was a lot of gay people in the collage. But no one spoke about it. No one knew who the gay people really were.
After me and Stu had many long nights talking about who they could be and what it was like we agreed on something. I was going to buy the Johnson's magazine and we where going to read it.

The lube was really for me for whatever reason. Stu was coming over in a few hours after school so he could read it aswell. Just I wanted to take a look alone first. Because as I said, I was curious.

The cover featured a man dressed in some black jeans that rided very low on his wide hips paired with a white, unbuttoned dress shirt. His hair was wet and one of his hands was running through it.

I focused my attention back on the man. His build was wide and masculine with a six back and strong arms and thighs. Not really my thing if I'm honest. I preferred guys who had the same build as me really, or maybe a bit weaker. Still so I could dominate them and they could dominate me.

Well not me obviously. I just didn't see the appeal in strong, wide men. I love Cynthia and a load of other birds so gay wasn't for me. But I could still see the appeal or preferences in something. It was normal.

*end of flashback*

  "Here's your food!"

  Roses happy voice interrupted whatever Paul was about to say. Two cardboard plates where put on the table full of hot chips. We both thanked her as she walked off before tucking into our meals.
 
  "Quizzes?"

  Paul asked after a few minutes of silence as we began to eat. I shook my head and swallowed my chips. Here we go again.

  "Yeah. Quizzes."

  I said plainly before I took another bite. Waiting for another question.

  "What did you get?"

  He asked.

  Our conversation continued as we ate. Really just me dodging the questions and instead talking about what Stu got. I soon finished my meal and looked over at Paul's plate. He had barely eaten. Maybe a few mouthfuls of chips and a bite of sausage but nothing else. He loved fish and chips! Why didn't he finish it?

  Paul's pov

  "Are you going to eat that, macca?"

  John asked, referring to my plate of basically uneaten chips. I stayed silent for a few moments as I tried to get down one more bite. Swerling the chip around with my fork as I tried to convince myself to eat it.
   Truthfully I just felt full. Ever since I stopped being such a pig I could never get much down even when I wanted to. It's as if my stomach as srunk down so much I couldn't manage much. My body couldn't handle it anymore. And I guess that was a good thing.

  John could do it, obviously. The other boys could eat literally anything and still stay fucking skinny. To say I was jealous of that was a  understatement.

  Still, even with such a tiny apitate. I rarely got full despite how little I ate. So the fact I was full now wasn't the best feeling. I wasn't supposed to be full. I wasn't supposed to eat.
  Just the thought of me gaining weight from this made my stomach turn. I had to keep it down though. I promised myself ever since I started doing this basically necessary thing that no matter how fat I looked. I would never make myself throw up. For many reasons. One being that I hated the feeling so much and another being my dentist would find out. Them the press will find out. Then the whole world will know I'm not really skinny. I'm a fucking cheater.

  I put my fork down. I couldn't eat anymore. I couldn't do that to myself.

  "I'm full."

  I said. Even I could hear how distant I sounded. John face changed. He looked upset. I'm such an idiot. Idiot, idiot idiot. Can't do one thing without upsetting someone. I should be more self aware

_____________________________________________

  I don't know how I feel about this. I don't think it's a good chapter. It's all jumpy.