paper crown (been rewritten better under the name "Wonderwall - mclennon")

chapter 18

Paul's Pov

My arms self-consciously wrapped around my waist as my eyes took in the sight of my body. The full-length mirror nailed to the bathroom wall showed off every inch of my pale skin, making me uneasy. There were no nurses milling around me in this empty bathroom adjacent to the private hospital room but I still felt like people could see me. Technically they could.

Of course, there were no eyes on me right now but they could see me as in they could see what I've eaten and what I look like. All my measurements and my weight. I had probably gained while I was there as well, which they all knew I'm sure. I had been neglecting the exercise I normally did to burn off the calories I ate. Not to mention that they had, after an hour or so, managed to get some breakfast into me. Two pieces of toast with some homemade jam that had been made for everyone on the ward. It tasted great but that taste was soon overpowered by the feeling of guilt.

Starving does carry the consequence of feeling a large amount of pain in your empty stomach when you do eat something which I found out fairly quickly. It's unusual for me to eat so much at one time. It was painful emotionally and physically.

In under an hour, I was having a short meeting with Brian to explain what he needed to know about the dietician thing.

It was why I was glaring at myself in the mirror right now actually. I needed to have a shower and get dressed in the hospital gown so I could look a little less disgusting when I met him. He promised on the phone he would bring a change of clothes for me for when I get out which I was looking forward to. But right now I was in this ugly, blue hospital gown that had that weird spotty pattern that hurts your eyes when you stare at it too long.

Brian would see my body straight away and I had no doubt he'll be concerned. Everyone, well the nurses and john at least, was when they saw me. They didn't understand what was going on in my head though so they wouldn't be able to understand what was up with me even if I tried to explain it to them.

They couldn't understand why I needed to force myself not to eat in order to be skinny. The shame would be far too much as well. It was barely a problem to me. I was still performing and keeping up fairly well with tours and what not. It's just a little secret of mine that's getting out even though I'd like to keep it to myself. It's not like it won't die down though. I'm leaving this afternoon after my talk with Brian. The nurses were reluctant to let me go so soon but they're letting me so long as I follow the diet plan strictly and stay away from too much activity.

I hadn't read the paper while here though past the first morning when the nurse showed me the front page. I know it'll be a big story right now but the press move to new stories constantly...don't they?

I put Brian on the form because he was the one booking places to eat and all that when we were on the tour so he would need to know to make sure I ate what I needed. It was a practical choice I made when putting under pressure from the nurse who was waiting beside me for me to finish. I'm sure he'll have some questions and I didn't know how to answer them if he did ask. I get a rotten feeling in my chest lying to people and if lying to Brian was bad then it would be really bad lying to my dad who was on the form as well.

-----------

"I do appreciate you wanting to speak with me, Paul. ever since we stay the front page of the telegraph we've been worried sick! Especially George! he can't believe he didn't notice before now!"

brian fussed from across from the seat beside my bed. the nurse had come in and promised to come back with my tube thing in a minute to explain to Brian how it worked so there be someone around to help if I were to get stuck doing it. She had also mentioned how much I hated it and he had to make sure I used it. which I wasn't grateful for. I had worn it once and let me tell you cold liquid, such as milk, traveling up your nose and down your throat (without consent) is a horrible feeling. it feels like I'm constantly failing to swim.

"I know I feel bad it's just it's so stressful here with me getting used to the tube and having to sort out the forms and just thinking about what the press is going to do when I get out the hospital and I've just been trying to make everything as simple as possible. ill be out in a few hours anyway so I guess I can see them soon."

-----------------------------------

I'm leaving it here because I've literally searched every corner of the internet for information gtube diets and I can't find a thing. I know you can have milk through a g-tube so I included that as well as it being pretty unpleasant so I included that but if anyone has any information on that plz let me know.

also, today is the year anniversary of my first ever fic...that's pretty cool

I'm going to re-read this story and try and get back into the style of my earlier chapters since I feel like this story is getting less and less interesting for you to read. it'll get better when he gets out the hospital (next chapter) because I cant do anything in there hospital chapters so they're all shit. thanks for reading!!