paper crown (been rewritten better under the name "Wonderwall - mclennon")

chapter 11

   Paul's pov

  The first few minutes of our walk home was spent in a rather uncomfortable silence. Just me and John walking down the alleys  cobbled streets. Our leather boots hitting the stones being the only sound heard as we walked back to our hotel before we were rushed out yet again to go back to Liverpool.
  I didn't end up eating my meal. I had gotten few bites down before I felt to full to manage even one more bite.
   Its a good thing now my body can't handle so much food, to my image any way, because it means I'll slim down faster. But now John's seen me like this a new element of guilt has been added. Just how sad and even disappointed he looked when I didn't finish me meal. Of course I know he's going to worry, he always does when he sees I'm upset, but I think he needs to understand that I need to do this. It isn't a choice. Not really anyway. Being disgusting isn't a choice to me.
  But seeing myself in the mirror did make me realise. Is it healthy? Well, No. It's defiantly not healthy but it's a necessity. But I mean... Am I going to die? Is me becoming what everyone else is naturally just going to end my life in the end? And how quickly? Was it already ending? It's only been 2 years since I started -1962 to be exact.
   Maybe I should see a doctor? Not to get help or anything. Because I don't need help. But to see if I have time...left? I could go when I'm back in Liverpool, under a fake name and a new doctor. Just to see.

  "Paul."

  John broke the silence after a while. We were only about 10 minutes from the hotel at this point and I had pulled out some cigs and a lighter out of the jacket John was wearing. Luckily earning a soft laugh from him as he took his and held it out to be lit.
  John's words were left hanging in the air for a while. I didn't know what he was going to say. It didn't sound like a question. He didn't seem happy or sad. Slowly I slipped my hands into the jumpers pockets were I gripped the recipts to his porn shop thing in my hands just to try and calm myself down a little so I didn't sound insane trying to answer him.

  "Yes Johnny?"

  I said timidly. Keeping my distance from him a bit so he couldn't touch me while still making it as subtle as possible. I didn't really want to come into contact with him again. Physically or emotionally as I was tired in both cases. I just wanted to sleep.
   He had his arm around me as he walked into the chippy, I remembered it, so I can't let him do that again. John always worried when it came to me. It was cute really,though I couldn't admit it. He wasn't that worried when it came to anyone else really and it made me feel sort of special to be the one John decided to care about. But at times like these I just wish he didn't give a fuck like everyone else who's "noticed" aka my aunt and a family friend of mine who I knew growing up.
  Thoughts of me in the bathroom came back to me again after my mind being far from them ever since we left the hotel. It was so embarrassing!
  I had been crying like a child over what I saw in the bloody mirror. I used to be a whale yet I still didn't bloody cry over it! Obviously it had to be after I lost weight, just to ruin the moment I should have been allowing myself to celebrate. Typical. And I went wemt and ate those chips after I did!

  And I went and ate those chips...

  Oh my fucking God how thick can I be?! The second I finally loose weight after weeks of being at the same weight I go and eat the damn things I had been avoiding for bloody months! How typical of me. I can't bloody believe myself.

  "Why haven't you been eating lately."

  John's voice somewhat dragged me from my thoughts and back to moment. Though it was still on the same topic I felt lost for words. I didn't know. Not at that moment anyway. Nor did I want tell him. He'd know Id cheated! If I'm honest,cheating does seem like a strange word to say when it's a game by myself with no real rules but to loose weight but it just seems like I'm cheating. Just cheating people into thinking I'm naturally normal? If that makes sense. I don't really know what's going on in my head if I'm honest.
  We stopped walking when we were a few feet away from the discreet back entrance of the hotel were John dragged me to a few discarded chairs from the dining hall which have been let outside. They had seen better days but I took a seat on one anyway. Taking the time to come up with some excuse to tell him.

  "Um, just not that hungry I guess. You know the tour wears me out a bit as well as all the homesickness and the sleep deprivation. All that stuff."

  "That's not what I mean, Paul."

  John denied my excuse. The tension seemed to increase dramatically with every syllable he spoke. I didn't like this one bit. Excuses, excuses and excuses were all I ever came up with then someone bothered to ask something personal and now they were being batted away.

  "Then what do you mean?"

  I asked quietly. I sounded smaller than John. A little childlike as opposed to my normal, somewhat confident voice. I had discarded my cig a while ago but I wish I still had it. I felt like this wasn't the right to light another either. Especially since the cigs were in John's pocket.

  "Paulie. I'll explain this and you're going to be honest with me. Ok? I do care about you so much ok?"

  There's no stopping this now. No matter what I do. Here it comes.

  "Ok..."

  "Macca. Me and Rigs have noticed that you have been avoiding food. You look way to skinny and just...we're both worried. Ok? I really care about you and you need to tell me what's gotten you like this. You won't sleep in the same bed as me. You don't hug me. You don't do anything like anymore and I know it sounds queer but I like it when we do those stuff together because it shows how much we trust each other. Will you open up for me and say what's wrong?"

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