Unconsciously Mine

Chapter - 01

Sipping the hot coffee cupped in my hands I raised my head from my book to take a glance at the couple passing by, love radiating from their souls. But how long will it last ? Does love prevails in showing to the world how close and bounded both the individuals are ? Does it really matters how perfect both are for each other ? Does love really pours life in a soul ? Does it really heal the scars ? If it does, will it ever happen to me?

Lost deep in my train of thoughts, I closed my book with a sigh. A chilly but pleasant breeze kissed my cheeks. I think love is all about accepting their flaws as their perfections, instead of showing it off to the world how lovely two make a couple, wouldn't it be better if they quit the act and work on deepening those feelings. My defination is far more different than what the world think it might be. Love is just a thought that gushes out as soon as reality kicks in. Inshort it doesn't exist. It is just a feeling that cannot be touched.

Friendship ... a word which holds the power to build you up or push you into that depth of darkness which makes it nearly impossible for you to rise from. All my life I tried to fit in a group to which I never belonged. I've tried walking in their shoes and trust me those were the worst steps a person can ever take in its life. Yes, I lost myself while being someone that pleases others, I lost the confidence of being me, unware of all the great things I am capable of. Was friendship that important then my true identity ? Yes, the answer was yes until I realised that I was just dealing with a bunch of people carrying out their formalities. Though I was never welcomed to their squad, it always felt home. Hah the stupid me. When reality kicked in, I was emotionlly drained, I could feel every inch of me beaking down, shattering to the ground with all the frauds I have been pushed in flashing through my eyes. But eveything that happens bring some good for you. Yes I started eliminating those people from my life, though it never mattered to them that I existed or not, it wasn't easy but it felt kind of good and I am glad I was brave enough to do that.

Tell me how am I suppose to believe in an illusion as love when I tasted betrayal in finest and purest of relation, friendship. I believe no one can truly love your ownself except you. No one can be a better friend than your ownself. Yes, even though I firmly believe in my philosophies, I feel a strange kind of heaviness in my chest when I come across people reading out their throwback on feed because when I look back I don't come across a single memory I cherish. Or maybe all the negativity has blinded me to the happy positives. But do the fake ones count ? Hah , I guess not.

Maybe its just me, my own insecure self that couldn't let love in or maybe I fear rejection, again. After all the years of building the walls around my heart and cementing it , I dread that someone will come like a wind, break it down and leave for me to start working on my constuction again. Trust me ,I am not that strong to start all over again, healing will be out of sight for me. So tell me how am I suppose to make promises that will be broken someday, promise to hold someone's hand in their sorrow and joy when I wasn't able to hold up my friendship bond for long. How am I suppose to promise to hold on to someone when each day is a struggle and its becoming harder for me to hold on to myself ? How can I promise a forever that stands with its end ?

I close my eyes and let the chill take over, a faint smile surfacing on my lips. Maybe a day will come when someone wil put all my insecurities to end, hold my hand and look into my eyes saying that enough of overthinking, your nightmare has reached its destination and its about time you start living your fairytale. Maybe some day a person will appear out of nowhere and lift all the heaviness from my chest. Maybe one day I'll let him break my walls and experience the most fruitfull pain. Yes you heard right, pain , cause life isn't a bed of roses, thorns do accompany roses but the beauty is enough to capture your heart and pain of the thorn is negligible. Life is where suffering prevails and maybe one day I'll find someone worth all the suffering . Though not mine but unconciously mine.........

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Thank you for reading. Your support will be appreciated. 

Love,

Rida Mushtaq.