Unconsciously Mine

Chapter - 15

[ A year later ]

It's been a year since the conversation and still keep thinking about it like it happened just yesterday. I don't know if you really meant what you said but to me it was the most beautiful gesture from your end. 

Sometimes when I think of you talking about gluing our hands together so none of us can leave the journey, I remember about the time when I found you slipping out of my hand like sand on a shore. The bond you talked about being so strong felt like it weakened somewhere at times. But the run for you never stopped cause I was attached to you in every single way. No matter how hard I try to let go of certain memories , they always come to haunt me in broad daylight. And then I realized that some mysteries were never meant to be solved but relived all over again. 

One such mystery was you, your presence and your love. What I failed to understand was that when I kept running for you, you were just there beside me. While I kept whining about my problems, my battles and how none of them matters to you, you were fighting your own bigger wars. While my scars started to bleed on a clear moon night, your wounds got deeper and you did not give a cry. When my own heart felt heavier in my chest and sorrow made its way in, you held me tight through the night.

You said I don't know about you and when my infinite requests of letting me in failed, I lost every hope of ever being close to you. But aren't we playing the same game but different levels, dealing with same hell but different devils ? I realize that as I don't know about you the same way you don't know about me. So how can I be upset and blame you for something like this. No matter how hard we try at the end of the day we never really know anything about the person. 

The case was different with you my dear. I won't say that I've never really loved anyone before and you are the very first one in my life. I have loved some, heck even cried for them but you were a different kind of attachment and the kind of joy I was ready to walk through the fire for, I was brave enough to hold your hand, so proud of having you and I wasn't afraid to tell the world. I cried in nights as I begged for your presence, for you to stay. Look how afraid I was to lose you and I never really knew why ! You were my biggest strength through the day and when it comes down to night I found you to be my worst weakness. I was living a relationship which was not even a relationship. I never let my eyes sparkle for the charm and beauty of another men nor did my heart allowed me to find perfectness in anyone else. Everything , everytime it was about you.

But my love, I stopped chasing you not because I don't love you anymore but because I was tired. I was tired of running a perfect lie. I was tired of thinking about the possibilities of detaching  every string that tied me to you. I cannot let my brain poison the bond I have with you. You made me realize things changed me in many ways. In ways I found myself standing up to my fears, being all brave and helping my way through it. I found my light glowing in the depths of my own darkness. What if the chase left me in ruins, what if my overthinking lead me to a way where I'll lose you. I cannot take the risk because no matter how strong I act to be, I'm not brave enough for letting you go.

I know that I may be clingy at times, irritating and might even be a burden that you will not want to carry around anymore but please do not let go of my hand, if not your hand let me hold your sleeve for a little longer. The thought of someone else having you breaks my heart in thousands of pieces but if that makes you happy, I'll carry them with me, wear it like a badge.

You said I was afraid of your demons, but when the night came down upon us I found my demons to vibe with yours, dancing to the rhythm of our heartbeats. It's funny how I know so much about you yet I don't have a clue about you. It's funny how I can feel you in my veins yet we are miles apart. How loving you is painful but I'm crazy in love with the pain, the beauty you serve with your presence.

I envy those people who gets to see you in blood and flesh. How blessed they are to feel your warmth, the sound of your laughter, the heaviness in your breath. For me when the screen goes blank, my heart turns cold and I feel so empty without you, for you know my pain. 

But love is not a deal made between two people cause feelings cannot be forced and no matter how difficult it is for me to swallow the truth that one day you might end up feeling the way I felt for you for someone else, I'll go with the flow. Cause it might be something that makes you happy and what makes you happy will make me happy.

You will always be a part of me that I'll carry to my grave. I have tried forgetting you but it just doesn't work that way. It comes out stronger than before for when I close my eyes I see yours, I see that smile, the lines on your forehead and the voice when you speak. You are mine yet not mine to keep.

My love, all these years, everything was always about you. I find you to be my peace and I don't know whether I'll end it one day or it'll end me one day. All I want is for you to be happy. You know my skin, my soul, my love for you. You know me and that's what matters. I'm yours but you may be mine and I'll make my way to you just like when you said you believe me that I'll come to you. I will against all odds. Even if those arms are occupied by another soul I'll never regret any moment I had with you. I'll never regret confessing it to you cause I did not love you in vain.

The love meets the night, your hand in my hair,

Oh that beautiful eyes make a lovely pair.

I danced to your finger tips,

Wandering about the taste that lingered on your lips.

When the night ends and love wears it's clothes in the morning, just remember I loved you fine,

Cause I am the poet of your pain and when the inks runs dry, You'll always be Unconsciously Mine.

If not consciously , You'll always be Unconsciously Mine.

[ I'll always love you.]

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Thank You for reading my story.

Love, 

Rida Mushtaq.