Unconsciously Mine

Chapter - 09

I could see my friendship on the verge of breaking. Maybe I am always the one who ends up a relationship. Maybe I do possess a vibe that pushes people away. I could see the bond we once share fading away, the bond that was so pure now stained with pure hatred towards some other.  Not only does he hate his presence but he hates the thought of me ending up with him or me associated with him in any kind. 

The daily sights , our naive claims,

The ugly fights, the pity blames.

The feelings came without a disclaimer,

And now we spend our nights in terror.

I feel so drained out of life. I feel so drained out of every happiness. I see people walking around with jolly vibes whereas I feel so numb about every situation. I have stopped speaking my heart out. People say that I should smile more often but I find no reason to. I seem happy with some people but I don't feel that happiness. The temporary joy of a particular achievement ends in the everlasting sorrow of the two.

He says I walk towards that road where I'll have my lust and he'll have his. For I am not in love with his mind or soul , I lust for his body and beauty. The bitterness made ties with his tongue and now he speaks a poison so foreign to me yet it stings like a bee. I could see him manipulating my thoughts. I see him try, turning me against him, so that when he succeeds I'll come back to him, falling in his arms again like a fragile doll. 

I cherish every moment of friendship I had with him but how am I suppose to forgive something so unforgivable. Though I did ignore the situation for a while and it didn't helped , only making it worse. I received a confession, a confession I wasn't ready to digest. My friend , the one who I thought was helping me through thick and thin, helping me understand the right man from the wrong, saving me from the lustrous eye of men, was actually saving me up for him ?

He says he loves me and no one else could ever love me like he does, no one will ever appreciate me for who I am like he will, none can be a better hand to hold through the dark and if i do not accept him, it will be disrespecting his feelings and so his efforts. Should I believe him ?

I would have accepted his confession only if he did not set up an act for it. He just ill characterized someone so that I could come back to him. He poisoned my mind so that he could have me for himself even after knowing the extent of love I have for that boy.

Only a few months back he loved a girl and when that didn't work out he loves me. The worst part is that I wasn't just for a rebound but also a backup plan for him. The emotional blackmails deprived me of every emotion I can ever have for him. I should have let him go but I hold on until my hand bleeds and my soul pleads for mercy. 

I cause myself pain,

Then who am I to blame ?

I was furious because he wanted me to be romantically available to him, to love him the way he does just because now he does. But aren't we all in the same game ? I too love a person and expect him to do the same who may or may not have the same kind of emotions for me.

We often forget that love is never a deal to be made between two people . Why do we always ignore the fact that the person we like may love someone else. We just want them for ourselves not knowing where their heart belongs. 

That was the day when I started loosening the grip on my love. I have loved him and not him, I'll be the reason for my own heartbreak and he wont be the one to blame. My boy do remember, just never lie about how you really feel and never fail to speak about it cause sometimes its the wrong timings and right feelings that mess things up and all that remains is regret. No matter what you decide , I'l always be there through highs and lows, even if the decision is not in my favor , my feelings for you will never be stained. 

Holding on led me to this mess and its time to clear it....................

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Love,

Rida Mushtaq.