Something Missing [Daryl Dixon Love Story]

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Five

The worst thing about a bad situation is the period of time where two people stare, eyes locked, waiting for the other to laugh and say “April Fools” or “just kidding”. After that moment all parties laugh it off. Everything turns out to be just fine and exactly as it was before, but as I looked through the wetness in my eyes up at his I realized something. Neither of us was going to get that, neither of us had the opportunity to laugh it off and say “just kidding” because it would have been a lie.

            That had been my plan. I’d been planning to lie to him, at least for a while until I figured out what to do, but that was before. That was before I kissed him and before I really allowed myself to feel something.  I cared for him, I wanted him. And he, he seemed to want the same of me.

            The seconds that went by had long since turned into minutes but we didn’t move. It felt like the moment in a movie when the inevitable that all the characters knew about but refused to acknowledge had finally been spoken. When words we spoken it was like the final signature on a binding contract.

There were a lot of things I wanted to say to him but I really only deserved one. “I’m so sorry.” I couldn’t look anymore. I broke the eye contact and turned my head to the side. He moved away from where he’d been above me and I shakily got to my feet. There was only one thing left now. “I would ask you to kill me but…” my words were cut off when another flood of tear threatened to spill. “…but I don’t think I can. I don’t think either of us can.” My voice was barely a whisper but the world was so silent it could have passed for a shout.

            After scanning the room my eyes finally settled on the thing I’d been looking for. The knife. I walked towards it like a pig heading for slaughter, in a way. The thought was plausible, I was planning to die. Dying was the only way. I wanted something, anything to stop me but as my hand made contact with the handle I realized my distraction wouldn’t come.

            Until it did, a hand grabbed my wrist. My first thought: maybe he really didn’t care. Maybe I was wrong and he didn’t have a second thought about killing me himself. I swallowed hard. “Don’t think I can do it myself?”

            “No.” The rawness put into the word made me want to look at him again but I couldn’t do that. It seemed like an eternity as the silence crushed me. When he spoke again it was like I could breathe again and the heaviness lessened. “No,” he repeated, more firmness this time. “It isn’t that I don’t think you can. It’s that I won’t let you.”

            Panic set in. “Are you crazy? If I don’t do this I’ll turn and if I turn.” My voice had risen and I stopped to regain my composure. “If I turn, Daryl, there is nothing that will stop me from trying to bite you. I can’t let you die, too.”

             “Do you think I give a shit what happens to me at this point?” He grabbed my face. “Look at me.” I had no choice. His face was contorted in anger. “What is there left for me to live for after this?” He gritted his teeth and looked to the side as if he was fighting back words. “Goddamn it, Emma.” He licked his lips and let go of my face. “Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?” He took a loud breath. “How I feel for you is wrong, but it won’t go away. I tried to avoid you but you were always coming back and then on this trip I figured maybe if I were to be around you long enough I would get it out of my system. I figured I felt like this only because you were the only woman besides Ruth that I’d met in two years, but…” He sighed. “But I was wrong. I like you way more than I should and that’s why I can’t let you die. Because if you die there is nothing left. It would all just be empty again.”