Bed Partners

Screwed

Tape 14, Side A

I am recording this tape without having visited my psychologist. We talked on the phone though. I told her that I wanted to stay by myself and think things through before seeing her again.

"I understand, Dayu. But I hope you will continue recording in those tapes. It's important that you keep on spilling what you think and feel. You have to be strong and keep on being strong. You are strong. I believe that. You are strong to keep on with this therapy."

I am. I hope I am. Strong. So I am recording more tapes about my story. About our story.

Tape 14.

So...where did we ended up last time? Oh yeah, I finally admitted to myself that I cannot date anyone else. Not until I put down what I feel for someone so annoying he occupies my whole mind.

What? He will buy me and my date dinner some time? Wow...Qing sure knows how to pissed off a person.

And why won't he look at me? Why is he acting like he is the guilty party? I am feeling all the guilt already! Why is he raining on my parade?

It's my fault. Fine! I admit that now. He showed me a part of him. It's ugly. He is ambitious and political. So are the people sitting in the main Presidential Residence and the Parliament. Qing is no one special.

So he is willing to marry for gain. Who wouldn't? It's his dreams, it's his body, it's his heart. He can do whatever he wants. I was disappointed for a moment and didn't get hold of my control. I reacted, very badly, and ended our deal.

That's on me.

But him...ugh! Him acting like it's his fault and he had to compensate me. Wow...he is making me speechless.

So once and for all, I like to talk to Qing and clear some things to him. And then I swear...I really swear, I will keep my distance far away from him.

He...is way out of my league. Everyone were right, Qing and I, we are not in the same level in anyway. Intellectually, emotionally, financially. The only thing we can agree about is the physical aspect of our association.

Let's end this once and for all, Dayu. Let's put things down, lay all the cards on the table like Qing said, and then walk away.

For the last time...

I got to Qing's condo. The doorman is familiar with me so he let me pass easily. "I am just not sure if your stepbrother is in, Mr.Feng." The doorman said to me.

I nodded and moved to the elevators. "If he is not in, I will wait for him,"

When I got in front of Qing's door, I hesitated for a bit before ringing the bell.

The door opened a few seconds later. "Done with your date, already? What are you doing here?" Qing frowned as he asked. He is at home after all.

"Let's talk inside," I pushed him aside so I can get in. He closed the door and followed me to the living room.

I look at him. Qing ditched his evening jacket. His white shirt, he folded the sleeves up to his elbow and unbutton the top two buttons. I can see glimpses of his collarbone and the strong column of his neck.

"What is it?" He asked as he put his hands on his waist.

I stared at his face, but Qing still avoids my eyes. He is looking at something beyond my left side. Probably the wall behind me. What he find interesting there, I don't give a damn. I am here to say what is on my mind and to end things between us once and for all.