Bed Partners

A Broken Heart

(DAYU)

"So far, I haven't seen any heartache yet," my psychologist smiled at me as she gave me back my 16th tape.

"Well, that's how tragedy usually plays out. It will give you happiness and comfort before tragedy will take your joy away from you." I said as I slid the tape inside my bag. "It will wait until your are relaxed and complacent before it will make it's move to turn your world upside down."

"How did tragedy starts to take away your happiness, Dayu?" She asked me.

I stared at her and gave her a sad little smile. "His fiancee came back. And it highlighted my role to Qing's life." I said.

"And what is your role in his life?"

"A diversion. An intermission. A passionate break from his reality. A fuck buddy..." I cannot help chuckling a little. "I think Qing never forgot. I think I am the only one who forgot. I chose to set it aside. Labels. Titles. I put them aside to give way to my fantasy that what I have with Qing will and can last a lifetime."

"And you think it will not last a lifetime?" My psychologist gave me a worrying look as she scribbled on her note. "Dayu ah..."

"How can it last? We are both male. We are not normal. This society and place that nods at us like they understand and accept us but in truth they scorn us and would love us to just stay in the shadow and hide there like we are shameful. Because that is convenient for them. Because they think that will maintain their well and organized world. Fuck them..."

"Who is them, Dayu?"

"People. Strangers. Family..." I swallowed hard. "Qing..." tears formed in my eyes. "He is straight but he likes to be with me. There are times I think he loves me but he doesn't see his future with me. He..." I stopped. "I think he has his life mapped out and I am not part of that map."

"How? How did he mapped out his life? How do you think Qing saw his future?" My psychologist asked.

"Married to a woman from a powerful political family. Running for a seat in Parliament. Working hard to be recognized by people. Running for that highest position of being the President of this country. Making a difference in the world. Marking his place in history. Qing is ambitious...I knew that."

"There is nothing wrong with a person with ambition. As long as we don't hurt anyone while we achieve them..."

"Politics is a dirty game. You make enemies in that world. Even if Qing keeps me as his secret, once he entered that arena, his enemies might dug deeper enough to learn about me. He...I will be a weakness and a burden for him..." My voice broke as I started sobbing openly.

"Dayu..." My psychologist put the box of tissue in front of me. I plucked some to blot my face and tears. "Anyways, that's life. Qing, I think he made his choices a long time ago." I sighed to the ceiling of the office. "I just wish I can be as decisive as him. But why am I surprised. He took me as his lover because he has decided that he likes me and wants me. His decisiveness got us into bed together. I think I am just ungrateful..."

"Ungrateful how?"

"That I never content myself to what he can give to me. I wanted more. I got greedy and Qing, I let Qing paid for my greediness." I bit my lower lip as my hands started shaking. Emotions are rising within me again. I massaged my forehead and temple with my fingers. "I'm sorry... can we stop now?"