Bed Partners

Give and Take

(DAYU)

Since I started being selfish, I finally realized how stupid I was before. How selfless I was. How much pride I decided to swallow for the man I love.

At least Qing knew. At least he knew that it was not the amnesia that hurt me the most.

But hearing him finally admit it, hurts like all of it is happening again. Replaying on my mind.

It was the fact that I settled with half of his heart. That I shared Qing with his dream. With his desire to help his friends. With his decision to please his family.

People will say that there is nothing wrong with that. Helping your friends or pleasing your family. Having a dream. There is nothing wrong with all of that.

But if Qing is willing to sacrifice me for those things...is it still right for me to stay with him? Even when I was hurting, is it still right for me to turn blind because I love him?

I guess it's my fault as well as his. I agreed. I said yes to supporting him. Because I love him. I love him so much. Even now, right at this moment, Qing is still the man I love with all my heart.

But I am not the same Dayu as a year ago. That Dayu changed. I have changed. I am selfish now.

The me today won't settle anymore. I won't choose anyone above myself anymore. For a moment, I forgot to cherish and love myself as I lose myself on my love for Qing.

I don't blame Qing for that. That was me. I forgot me. That's my fault. I am angry at Qing because as I gave myself fully to him, he lied to me time and time again that he will give himself to me as well. His whole self. His heart.

Liar. He exploited my weakness, my love for him to get what he wants. Me. The whole me. And I am the stupid fuck who gave him the whole me. In silver platter.

Well, no more. I have nothing more to give to Qing. I am exhausted already.

He can remember me, well and good. But that's it. I will not get back with him. I can't...

Because I don't deserve to give anyone my heart until I learn to value myself first. I cannot love anyone until I learn to love myself properly first. I don't have the right to give my heart to anyone while I deprived myself of my heart.

I have to love me first. Because I am tired of loving Qing first. Of thinking of him first.

I am selfish now.

I look away as my tears fell. Qing's eyes are filled with tears too but I won't care for his pain. It's not as important as my pain.

I am precious too.

I took a deep breathe, "I will leave for Europe the day after tomorrow," I said as I look at him again.

Qing blinked. His tears fell but his face held more suprise than pain now. The news obviously rocked him. "Dayu..."

"I will leave." I said quickly before he can say more. "And I don't want you to follow me. I don't want you near me. Don't call me. Don't write to me. Don't contact me in anyway. Let's say our goodbye here, Wang Qing."

He shook his head dumbfoundedly. Like his brainiac mind cannot understand what I just said. "Da...yu..."

I stood up, "Let me go," I told him. Qing looked up at me, stricken. Like I asked him to kill himself. "I can't do that. How can I...Dayu...?"

"Please let me go..." I asked him as fresh tears slid to my cheeks from my eyes. "Please...please..." I begged him.

Because I love him. I still love him. And Qing is the only person who can make me forget myself.