The Bob Duncan Experience

an unholy christmas special

if there's one thing dan was certain of, other than the fact that he himself was whiter than the snow falling outside of his window, it's that bob has an unhealthy obsession with christmas.

every inch of the house was covered in christmas lights, every room had its own christmas tree, poinsettias littered the bathrooms and there were way too many gingerbread houses in the kitchen.

it was getting to the point where everyone kept finding tinsel in their ass.

dan thought it was a complete turn on honestly.

"semmy! karlee! nick! dannypoo! hurry up i want to go already!" bob whines, sticking his hand down his pants and fixing his wedgie. it was an important night.

tonight, him and the rest of the edgy squad were going to his works christmas eve office party.

how did bob actually end up getting a job? well it was a combined effort of a lot of praying to jesus, getting gerard to intimidate the interviewer to the point of pissing his pants, bringing in some homemade pot brownies courtesy of gordon and pete, taking baby nick along to win over all the coworkers, bob actually having some hidden talent for photography and setting charlyze up with the guy from the IT department.

charlyze and ruben hadn't ended up working out after all, they broke up and ruben moved to alaska with a pet turtle named fireball. so bob hooked charlyze up the IT guy. his name was bostOn. no one knows why the second o is capitalized and no one cares.

"lucette told me to show up exactly 3 hours late, we gotta go" bob adds, referring to his boss lady lucette.

"let's go my sweetie, my hunny, my glitterball, my penelope, my cutie, we're ready to go get litty" dan says and then licks bobs ankle. bob lovingly picks some earwax and wipes it on his shirt. normally he would eat it, but he's on a diet at the moment. yeet.

the duncowell family all walked out the door and into the street where the other members of the edgy squad were all waiting in charlyzes big ass van. she used it for transporting backstreet boys cds across the state.

once all of the duncowells are in, charlyze hits the gas pedal and they're off, speeding down the street.

bruno whips in greeting, gordon and pete burp out hello in sync, evan baas like a sheep, gerard puts the safety on his gun (something they taught him at the police academy, bless their souls) and charlyze raps part of fergalicious.

"hey guys" bostOn nods in greeting from the passenger seat beside charlyze.

clearly bostOn was the most mentally stable of the group.

"ho ho ho, lets get this show on the road" charlyze says in a deep voice, cutting off multiple cars on the highway.

with charlyzes unrelenting, dangerous and not to mention extremely illegal speeding the group got to bobs work in no time.

"lets get this christmas party started" bruno yodels. everyone runs out of the van that's the size of new mexico and into the building.

almost immediately the party stops the second all of them step foot inside.

"happy hanukkah!" bob yells to his coworkers.

"its christmas" lucette reminds him.

"oh right" bob amends "happy birthday jesus!" he slaps the back of the nearest person.

"im jesus?"evan asks in surprise.

"you are" bob nods.

"hell yeah!" evan grins. his boyfriend tyler posey was gonna be stoked when he found out.

"no bob, all you have to say is 'merry christmas', just those two words" lucette facepalms. it was a good thing bob had some serious photography skills otherwise he would've been fired a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago.

"what did you expect, it's bob" gretel, another employee groans. gretel was a dumbass bitch. her and amy would get along great.

"shut up" dan spits in gretels face, defending his mans.

"that's disgusting" gretel remarks, wiping her face.

"yeah well, your fruitcakes disgusting" charlyze growls, opening her mouth showing some of gretels fruitcake all chewed up. then charlyze spits it out on gretel.

"you know what? i quit. this job isn't worth it" and with that gretel walks out the door.

"its a christmas miracle" semmy smiles.

"thank you jesus" bruno pats evan on the head.

"now where's linda? she owes me some tiramisu from bingo" gerard huffs, picking up little baby nick and walking away into the crowd who seemed to all go back to partying.

"those sugarplums are terribly placed, i have to fix them" gordon announces. pete follows him. those two were attached at the hip.

"im gonna go preform some more miracles" evan nods, heading to the washroom.

"let's dance!" charlyze drags bostOn to the dance floor and he proceeds to twerk on her. he a freak like that. it's why charlyze loved him.

"i think i need to go pass a kidney stone" bruno frowns, heading to the same washroom as evan.

"im gonna go chat up the boys" semmy makes his way over to a group of stuffy rich men. what can i say, he wanted a sugar daddy.

"im off to convince lucette to give you a raise so we can take a trip to greece" karlee tells her dads before heading to the blonde haired woman.

"wanna go makeout underneath some mistletoe?" bob wiggles his tiny grey eyebrows at dan. dan was entranced by the tiny hairs graceful movement.

"yes bbyboy" dan smiled. get you a man as romantic as bob.

the two stood under a nasty cobweb in the corner that they mistook for mistletoe and starting inappropriately groping each other.

karlee was appalled they would do that while santa was watching.

and so the edgy squad and the rest of bobs coworkers spent the night away eating good food (although good was a very debatable term as gordon had pointed out), making out under cobwebs, twerking on their loved ones, congratulating bruno on passing his kidney stone, giving each other pedicures, waxing their armpits and giving gifts to one another.

everyone was having probably one of the best christmases ever and anyone who wasn't there sure as hell was missing out. especially gretel. a big christmas 'fuck you' from the edgy squad, ya chump. even santa hopes you choke on ur bland ass fruitcake.

bruno ended up getting super drunk after passing his holiday kidney stone, repeating his mantra 'forget about christmas cheer, it's all about christmas beer'.

"merry christmas to y'all " dan screams at everyone.

"and to y'all a good ass night" bob shouts, pulling a hanukkah dreidel out of his ass and yeeting it into the crowd before blowing a kiss to the people he called his bitch ass family. you know who you are.

merry christmas ya filthy animals.