Behind Closed Doors

We're Always Running Away

Adam POV

Streetlights. Pain. Tears.

"It's all a dream Adam." Tommy's tired voice came from beside me as my eyes darted around the dimly lit room. I don't know what I was looking for, maybe proof I was alive.

"Only another fucking dream.." I heard him murmur, burying his face in his pillow. Neither of us had been sleeping much recently. It's my fault.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, angry at myself for upsetting him.

"Stop saying sorry, would you?! That's all you ever say. Stop it, just go to sleep! For fucks sake, you haven't slept through a whole night all week Adam! Which means neither have I. The band are starting to notice you know? Get your shit together!"

Eyes fiery, he walked out of the room, leaving me speechless, memories still flashing through my mind.

"That's not fair.." I whispered to myself. If anyone has a right to be angry, surely it should be me. I was hit by a fucking car, not him. I nearly died. Not him. I have the nightmares to remind me of it every single night. Not. Him. I should be angry.

"Tommy!" I shouted into the dark hallway.
"We both know that's not fair! Do you think I choose this?! I try not to think about it. I don't want to remember!"

His head snapped round to look at me, disbelief clear on his face.

"You don't want to remember? Well obviously some part of you does or your subconscious wouldn't be showing you all the shit you went through every night!" His usually sweet voice was full of venom.

"Maybe you do want to remember!" He continued harshly.
"And maybe I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT!"
I tried to speak but he cut me off, clearly not finished destroying my only anchor to happiness at the moment.

"DID YOU EVEN WANT TO REMEMBER ME?!" Suddenly we were both silent. Any bullshit I was going to spout died on my tongue. I swear our hearts just stopped beating for a minute. Then two. Three. Four.

Eventually I tore my eyes away from his and blinked at the floor, wishing we had a rewind button. Or a pause. Or a restart. Or maybe we should just turn the whole fucking show off. Maybe he doesn't want this role anymore.

One hand found the cold wall beside me to keep me steady as that thought hit me like a punch in the gut. Or a knife in the heart.

I need to fix this. But I'm the problem. I need to fix myself. But I can't. I don't know how and I'm too tired. I need him to help me. I need him. He doesn't need this.

Does he even want this? Want me... anymore?

My legs felt like lead as I stumbled backwards towards our bedroom. Red numbers in the dark showed 04:27 am.

Switching on a bedside light, I grabbed faded jeans, a grey shirt, a dark hoodie and my black beanie, and threw them on carelessly. A face appeared in the doorway, regret written all over it.

I know I forgive him but my fears stop me from saying that. Taking my headphones and phone I walk past him silently, not catching his eye.

"Ada-" he tries to choke out, putting his hand over his mouth to hold his feelings in.

Stopping with my hand over the door handle, a colder one tries to hold mine. Maybe I'm overreacting but I just can't stop thinking I'm not good enough for him. My biggest fear is that he'll realise I'm not what he wants.

So I do what I've always done. Run away.

Pulling my hand from his grip I open the door and walk out into the cold early morning air, sky still dark above me.

"Get some sleep, Tommy." I hesitated.
"I love you." I told him and walked away down the street. He knows I'll be back, I know I will. But I need some air and some time.

I didn't hear the door close but when I glanced back it was shut. Putting my headphones in, I turned the volume up and played a song; Kelly Clarkson, What doesn't kill you.

I listened to it but I wasn't really listening. As all the while I was thinking that what didn't kill me never made me stronger at all. If anything, it makes me wish I was dead.

Tommy POV

"I love you."
A strangled sob escaped the hand over my mouth as I shut the door behind him. What the fuck was I thinking?! I said that. I actually said that. And then I just let him leave. How do I know that he'll be okay? It's 04:30 in the morning!

He's not angry. He was, but I know Adam. He's hurt. He told me he loved me because he's scared that he's not good enough and that's the best he can offer me. I've been in love with this man for two years now. I know how his mind works. And his insecurities.

I keep telling myself he'll be back. He'll be fine. We'll move on. Forgive and forget. This just doesn't feel real.

Finally I fall asleep curled up by the door. Waiting.

Morning.
9:00 am.

I wake up to knocking on the door. Confusion flashes across my features as I process where I am. Peeling my hands from the navy blue carpet, I tried to stand, immediately wincing at the ache in my neck and back from sleeping on the floor.

Glancing in the mirror in the living room, I quickly attempted to rub away the obvious dried tear streaks on my cheeks and smooth out the imprint of the carpet on the left side of my face where it was pressed against it. Deciding 'fuck it' I went to open the door.

I was expecting Adam; even the thought made my heart constrict painfully. I can't believe that happened last night. I let that happen.

However, it wasn't my boyfriend's face that greeted me behind our door.

"Alex?" My jaw dropped. Damn he looked good. Better than 3 1/2 years ago when I last saw him. We'd dated for 6 months and it never really ended officially but we both knew when it was over. He broke my heart.

"Tommy, hey! Congratulations, I saw you on Idol. You really made it. I just wanted to talk to you, so uhh... I guess.. could I come in?" He asked hesitantly.

Standing aside to let him inside, serious déjà-vu took over my senses. We'd been here before. Well, obviously we hadn't. But I had. I'd dreamt I'd see him again.

My heart did a little leap. I don't feel anything close to what Adam makes me feel, but I fell in love with Alex all that time ago. That spark never actually went out, I just blocked it out because it hurt. I ran away.

I want to talk to him as well. Now, I kind of hope Adam stays out for a while. Don't get me wrong, I really want to see him. I love him so so much. I need to fix things with him completely as soon as possible. Adam is my future.

But Alex is a part of my past I need to understand.

So we sat on the sofa. And we talked. And we laughed. And it felt good. Still vaguely familiar.

Then the person I should be laughing with opened the door.

"Who is he?"

A/N- Don't panic, the next chapter will go up in the next day or two. I won't leave you waiting too long ;) Please vote, or comment anything you wanna say 😄 Thanks for reading 💕 xx