Behind Closed Doors

1800-273-8255

Trigger Warning: This chapter discusses suicide and depression. Please don't read if this will upset you.

Adam POV

This is it. I have to tell him. Its funny, all of this is only hitting me now. I've been so preoccupied with the nightmares and flashbacks to the accident that I didn't even think about my life before all of that. Life before Tommy.
It wasn't worth thinking about. The past is the past. But it keeps coming back. I might even tell my therapist too. It's probably already in her files of me somewhere.

I pulled into our drive. I'm no longer afraid of cars. I can drive calmly but crossing roads can freak me out sometimes. I feel so well recovered, its just the nightmares. I haven't had any the past two sleeps I've had though. Call me hopeful, but, well... I am. Hope is what keeps us alive. Its what keeps me alive.

Putting the handbrake on, I continued to stare straight ahead. This would be hard to talk about. You might think Tommy's seen me at my worse but I've been worse. Much worse. Though, I've never been this vulnerable.

Warm fingertips ghosted over my cold hand, reminding me I wasn't alone. Not like before. I was alone then. Sadness can make us do things we never thought we would. The car was still on; red numbers flashed 01:12 am at me. It was late, or I guess you could say it was early. I turned the car off.

Soft breaths came from beside me and I heard the passenger door open.

"I'll be in the garden," he spoke with care, as if I could shatter any minute. He didn't realise I was already shattered, like glass crushed and walked over so many times it had been turned to thousands of invisible pieces. That's how I felt back then. Invisible. Broken.

The door shut again. I was alone. Again.

My mind slipped into the past.

Faggot. Disgusting. Fat. Loner. Gay boy. You deserve to die. Do us all a favour and just end it. Not worth anything. Worthless. Completely worthless.

Shaking my head, a tear rolled down my cheek. I would do anything to have a nightmare right now. I've lived in a waking nightmare before, spent 4 years in one. At least sleep is over in the morning.

I heard another door shut and realised I'd subconsciously climbed out of the car. Taking deep breaths, I headed to the garden. The midnight black sky was lit with stars and the moon shone bright, illuminating the small frame sat cross legged in the middle of the grass. I sat next to him.

No one said a word. He leaned over and kissed me.

"Are you ready?"

I nodded.

Tommy POV

There was a far away look in his eyes, as if he was somewhere else. Maybe he was.

Every word that left his lips that night broke my heart.

"When I was 12 I was bullied. A lot. I told my parents, teachers. Everyone they tell you to tell. Obviously, no one did anything. My parents were convinced it couldn't possibly be as bad as I said and the teachers probably thought I deserved what I got. I thought I deserved what I got. There was no one to tell me everything was okay, no one to tell me I was normal.

I was so so alone, Tommy. It killed me. It emotionally, mentally destroyed me for four years. When I left school I drove straight to LA. I didn't take a single possession. I didn't need to."

Suddenly I knew where this was going. More tears dropped from his crystal eyes. I saw pain there.

"I found the Sixth Street Bridge. I walked to the edge. I was 16 and ready to-" He choked on a sob.

"I was ready to close my eyes and keep them closed." He shut his eyes.

"For everything to be over..."

"Ada-" He cut me off.

"Do you know how that feels Tommy? Nothing. It feels like absolutely nothing. To be that far gone is to have already lost everything worth living for. I lost myself. I lost myself and everything else. I lost my mind."

"Adam." I wanted him to stop, I couldn't bare this.

"Someone saw me. They told me to wait. To just wait. They said to wait a little while longer, that I would find something. And I walked away from that bridge. And I waited. For around 5 hours before buying pills and overdosing on a deserted street. I woke up in hospital with my parents either side of me, ashamed of how weak I had become. They told me I flat lined. I died. I died for 24 seconds."

He turned to face me.

"I died. I didn't see anything, a bright light, a god. It felt just like living; empty. So I decided to live, if it was the same as death then why not? I got my life together. I was accepted by people. I was happy. Years passed and I got a teaching job. I met you."

"Why are you thinking about this now?" I asked sincerely, fear swirling deep in my gut.

"Because lately I've been falling back down, back to where I was." He sounded so scared. I was scared. He needed me.

"We'll talk more tomorrow, okay? You need to sleep."

He nodded.

He fell asleep outside, head on my lap while I picked up my phone and tweeted.

Be careful what you say to people. We're all beautiful.

Automatically I had retweets and people asking what inspired that. Or who. I switched my phone off and woke Adam to go inside.

There were no nightmares that night either. I don't know whats worse though. His demons haunting his waking hours or his unconscious ones.

All I know is this man needs protecting and I will keep him safe no matter what. I couldn't lose him.

I won't lose him.

I can't let him lose himself.

Suddenly, Adam's phone lit up on the floor so I crept out of bed to turn it off, but the screen was left on the last number he had called.

1800-273-8255

Oh god... he was going to... no. My hand flew to cover my mouth in disbelief. When? Why?
Then a notification popped up, drawing my attention.

It read 'EXCLUSIVE: Is Adam Lambert Depressed? Real audio of conversation with boyfriend Tommy Ratliff included."

My heart stopped and my breath ran short. This couldn't be happening.

This can not be happening.

I looked over to the sleeping angel. He does not deserve this.

Why him?

A/N- To be honest, this chapter was difficult to write. I'm so sorry if anyone has been affected by suicide or depression. People can be so oblivious to how their words and actions can break a person down. I'm here for anyone if they need to talk, we are glamily.
On another note, I hope I did okay. Please comment and vote or let me know what you thought.
I love you all.

Every single one of you is beautiful.