Behind Closed Doors

Old Fights And Old Friends

Adam POV

I just walked and walked for almost two hours, under the illusion that my feet could carry me away from these problems, from this world.

Everything is too much. The fame was so sudden, unexpected, like the accident I guess. Now I feel the pressure of thousands of people expecting things from us, from me. Thousands of people who think they know me. Thousands of hearts who claim they love me, mouths that say I saved them. So why can't I save myself?

When I was 16 years old I felt this way. When I was 17 years old I tried to stop it all. I failed.
At least, up until now, it had felt like a victory. I'd won, beaten those thoughts, told the weight of the world to 'go fuck itself' while I lived and loved how I wanted to. Now I wish I wasn't here.

Tommy keeps me going but I hate being a burden, putting pressure on him to hold me together because who knows where my mind will go if he lets go completely.

That's why this might seem like a small argument but I'm scared. I'm scared of myself. I know I'm unpredictable. I'm used to being alone during depressive episodes. Some will last days, some months. I'm unpredictable, but I hate not knowing. Not caring.

Eventually I knocked on Isaac's door and crashed there, ignoring Cam's coat on the sofa and shoes in the hallway and walking straight through to the guest room.

He didn't ask questions. He knows better when he sees me like this.

And I slept. I either sleep too much or not enough. I used to sleep to drown out the voices in my head. Now I wake up sweating from remembering the white walls my dreams have come accustomed to.

Some nights it's the voices that keep me awake. They control me.

This night I wasn't haunted by white walls, but black ones. They closed in on me, suffocating me. Because I didn't dream. Not even a single spark of colour flashed through my mind. There was nothing. No images, no memories, no nightmares. Silence and darkness. I wish I knew what was worse.

Next thing I know, I was waking up feeling empty and tired, not physically, but mentally; exhausted. Sleep can't help if it's your soul that needs to rest. I crept out of the door quietly. Walked home. Home. What does that even mean? I think to me it means Tommy.

He'll probably be waiting.

Isaac POV

I watched from the kitchen doorway as Adam snuck out the door, Cam's hand on my shoulder. He has no idea how impossible it is to help someone who just sees themselves as a burden to the world.

"We have to do something, Isaac."

She's right. I know she is.

"I know. But I have a feeling only one person will truly be able to help him. They better figure this out soon. Not only for the band's sake, but their own. God knows what Adam will do if he loses Tommy. Or what Tommy will do."

I pulled her small frame into my arms, inhaling her comforting scent.

"They will work it out, love. It's Adam and Tommy. They can't be apart for a day, let alone forever." She whispered the last word, too terrible a possibility to entertain.

"You're right. Obviously. You're always right." I offered a sweet smile.
"Don't you know it." Cam joked, leaning up to kiss me warmly.